Aries- It’s cold outside. And you only have few lectures today. It doesn’t matter. You can always make it up by attending all classes from tomorrow. Promise. Current score – Warm, toasty blanket – 27 : Cold, dingy classroom – 0.

Taurus- Just like Archimedes, you will have a eureka moment for the perfect peanut butter and jam ratio on a slice of wheat bread. Just remember to keep your pants on.

Gemini- To all those ladies who are still carrying their shopping bags all by themselves…the transfer markets will be closing shortly. All the eligible bachelors are still available as free agents. Transfer windows will only re-open at the start of the next session.

Cancer- You watch an entire season of ‘Koffee with Karan’. You love the show. The host is smart, funny and pleasant. The guests have amazing personalities. But you can’t help but feel a little ‘something’ clawing the back of your mind during the entire time. How on earth can they spell ‘Coffee’ with a ‘K’ dammit?

Leo- I agree that the crime rate in the city has increased. I also agree that we should do something about it. But please, I can not be seen anywhere near you when you are wearing your red undies on top of those freakishly tight spandex. I have a reputation to maintain.

Virgo- Please refrain from referring to your fart as a ‘featured anterior rectal transmission’ during a date. And she also does not want to know the exact ratio of nitrogen and methane present.

Libra- Painting your hamster yellow and black does not make him a picachu. And throwing that cosco ball at him will most probably maim it.

Scorpio- You have not failed. You have just found 1000 ways that won’t work. Which is like failing really, really miserably…

Sagittarius- There is no ‘wrong’ side of the bed. So will you please stop panicking and get your lazy butt off the mattress?

Capricorn- On the nights you decide to watch a scary movie humming the ‘Ghost busters’ theme song will give you just enough courage to run from underneath the safe sanctuary of your blanket to the toilet and back again.

Aquarius- I completely agree that wrestling isn’t fake at all. I mean even a child could survive a 30 feet vertical drop into hard concrete or a smack to the skull with a steel chair, right?

Pisces- By this point I often run out of jokes as you guys are the last on the list. So I decided to write yours first. After giving it much thought…I still got nothing. And now that’s saying something…

 Image Credits: www.lunaticphotos.com

Aries- Try cross dressing this week. It will help you in gaining the attention of the person you are trying to impress desperately.

Taurus- Get over the fact that Sherlock’s season three has ended. Stop repeating the same statement regarding how much you miss it, everyday. Keep calm and wait for almost a year..There, I said it!

Gemini- Control your anger. Everyone around you cannot stop laughing after seeing those knitted eyebrows and weird curling of lips. It has the same effect as laughing gas!

Cancer- Checking your ex’s last seen on WhatsApp after every fifteen minutes will bring the much needed comfort.

Leo- If gymming is not helping in obtaining those six pack abs, try lying on steel wires having rectangular shape, for a week. Then, show off the marks you get on your body.

Virgo- This is not the right time to start flaunting your summer collection. Winters are not over yet.

Libra- Singing aloud after plugging in those earphones would not make you an Indian Idol contestant. Stop torturing your neighbours.

Scorpio- Nobody wants you to hum ‘sun raha hai na tu’ anymore. Yes, we heard you. We have been hearing you for the last two thousand times.

Sagittarius- It is so cool that you attended the Jaipur Literature Fest. Repeating every word spoken by Amartya Sen won’t make you him.

Capricorn- It is good that you love pumpkins but getting a shape like that, just to prove your love for it, wouldn’t go down well with your friends.

Aquarius- There’s more to winters than just eating sarso da saag. Try other dishes too. They are not that bad.

Pisces- Everyone has seen your new blue and black coloured jacket. You can now put an end to making it your dress code by wearing it everyday!

Image Credits:  www.lunaticphotos.com

Aries –Lots of strangers are catching your eye but for them to notice you, you seriously need to lose those extra kilos. Trust us on this one.

Taurus – Your uptight behaviour is going to cause some tensions with a friend. The good part is you never really liked them anyway.

Gemini – Love? Love not? Your double face is being troublesome to all so make up your mind and for once stick by it.

Cancer – “Super annoying” and “Emotional dweeb” are your new nicknames. You are definitely sounding more fun than last week.

Leo – People are questioning your intentions. Not that we care, but you should probably work on that.

Virgo – Stop your matchmaking services and go talk to that new foreign exchange cutie. Spare your single friends.

Libra– It’s time to make it happen. With all your energy focused and stars aligned, this is the perfect week to get out of bed.

Scorpio – You are simply amazing! Or at least that is what you think about yourself. Cut down on the narcissism.

Sagittarius – This is not your week. The pimple is not going anywhere. We suggest the new Himalaya face wash.

Capricorn – Birthday month is going to get you a lot of alcohol. Make sure you spill out all your secrets. Alcohol is always the best excuse.

Aquarius – Stop paying for your friends. You know they are never going to pay you back.

Pisces – You are burdened with all the work. Team mates are useless. Pretending to be sick is the best option.

Aries-The ultimate dilemma of friendship versus love has been troubling you for some time now. Its best to ask out that friend you’ve been fantasizing about. You anyway can’t simply be her friend anymore.

Taurus-The muscular pain that has been bothering you for so long have finally pushed you to an orthopedics’ doorstep. After a round of expensive consultation, you’ll realize that the pain is due to the lack of physical activity. So stop sulking and put on your running shoes.

Gemini- There are chocolates and flowers in your future. The only two possibilities are the arrival of a loved one on the blog or you killing your boredom by spending money on yourself.

Cancer- You will find solace in bargaining. Also, it’s your lucky activity this week. So put everything else aside and make that long due trip to GK or Sarojini.

Leo- Your patience is soon going to be tested with a noisy house guest arriving. Beware; he plans to overstay his welcome. Eating onions and staying over at a friend’s PG are the two best options. Take your pick!

Virgo- You’ll be revisiting childhood. All that alcohol has landed you into more troubles than ever. It’s better you switch over to milk for a while. Lucky color- ditch water green.

Libra- Last minute project submissions and a long list of pending work has made you volatile. It’s best if you don’t share your metro rides with anyone. That time should be utilized for listening to music and sleeping.

Scorpio- You are likely to develop a new hobby that you’ll be embarrassed to disclose to everyone. Keeping a dog biscuit in your bag at all times will make sure it stays a secret.

Sagittarius- Your cash stream seems to be thinning. It’s time to call upon the sworn life long friends to pay for the canteen bills. Lucky attire- kurta and jeans.

Capricorn-Praise is about to come from the most unexpected source. Making sure you stay in the public eye all the time will ensure it reaches you.

Aquarius- A friendship has turned sour. You are not able to rekindle the long gone excitement and joy. Take your friend to the nearest maggi stall and treat him to their poorly cooked maggi. Luck might just change.

Pisces-These are distressing times for your phone. Your new girlfriend, your app addiction fad and the sudden spike in the number of boring lectures leave the poor thing drained out. Charging it away from the bed at night will save you a couple grand.

Aries: Hitting the gym can work wonders for any medical student this week. Can’t say it will help you become a chick magnet but you will get to study the effects of hemorrhoids firsthand! So pump iron for SCIENCE!!!

Taurus: It’s not that everyone is trying to avoid you it’s just that…well would you look at the time? I have got to go; your horoscope will have to wait until next time ok pumpkin?  

Gemini: Ah! Children of Gemini! The tarot cards show really good omen. Unfortunately, your report cards do not. Brace yourself for the most violent of tongue lashings.

Cancer: I understand that raging hormones make this the most difficult period of your life, with your will succumbing to the basest of desires. But for God’s sakes get off Santa’s lap you are not 7 anymore! No, you may not have a Mercedes for Christmas! And yes, the beard is fake!

Leo: If you are depending upon that mistletoe that you meticulously planted above her front door…it’s a bad idea. You never know who might just walk underneath to greet you when you ring the door bell. Consider yourself warned.

Virgo: A new year approaches! This is a chance for a brand new start, a fresh new beginning, an opportunity to turn a new leaf. Although 10 bucks says that your resolutions will not last for more than three weeks.

Libra: Your romantic life will take a new turn these holidays. Your girlfriend will finally appear to be demure and speak to you in her sweetest manner. Don’t be fooled. Aldo has announced a 30% off on those heels she always blabbered on about.

Scorpio: I know that you wish to join the Mafia but I don’t think that earning a couple of parking tickets puts you anywhere in the ‘Gangsta’ list. Sorry kiddo.

Sagittarius: Do you know what Jeffery Archer and your chances of getting into Harvard law have in common? They both make good fiction.

Capricorn: Ever since the polls, a great change has come upon your ‘politically inclined’ friends. There will now be endless discussions of “Dekhna, BJP iss desh ko hila kay raakh dega.” Yet another reason to not want to return to college.

Aquarius: You will have great luck in poker against your Pisces friend today. At the very first hand put all your chips in and win it all. For this friendly advice I will be deducting 20% from your winnings.

Pisces:  You will have great luck in poker against your Aquarius friend today. At the very first hand put all your chips in and win it all. For this friendly advice I will be deducting 20% from your winnings.


The examination season has left you invigorated. Becoming a part of a street play society will help you channelize your energies in the right direction.



You have spent all your life shining with academic excellence but your luck seems to be running thin this summer. Chanting the name of Thomas Edison and Charles Dickens while bathing is a good remedy.


There’s nothing like a loving relation. Your stars are indicating that you either have or will find an affectionate boyfriend very soon. It’s best if you go to LSR or JMC. There are too many distractions out there. Ignorance is better than abstinence.


The stars aren’t favoring you this examination season. Getting into SRCC is very difficult. However, if you are willing, Aatma Ram Sanatan Dharma College is offering 20% rebate.


You are highly straightforward and headstrong. You’re likely to enter into a fight with a close friend. It’s better to let him/her have it their way, for a change. Wearing a bracelet made of fake animal claws will ward off evil spirits.


There is no clear evidence as to what the cut-offs hold for you. Keeping a class 7th maths textbook under your pillow at all times will boost your luck.



You’re likely to set the social calendar on fire. No party or bunking scene will be complete without you. Throw in a few attendances, and your semester seems to be a smooth sail.


Getting into a college of your choice doesn’t seem to be a problem but getting out of it does. It’s better to give up your BBM and WhatsApp while you still have a choice.


You seemed to have gotten yourself into a relation that even though is heading nowhere, is hard to wriggle out of. Fighting the inevitable is futile. Let nature take its course and focus on the small hapinesses in life. However, eating onions and not brushing will save from doing things you don’t want to.


You will be spending more time outside the gates of other colleges than your own. You will have friends in colleges that other people aren’t even aware of. Life is good!


There are a lot of PowerPoint presentations and excel sheets coming your way. Brush up your Microsoft Office before the deadlines start dangling over your head.


Keeping all those years of much enjoyed female attention aside, you are likely to attract a female who will be difficult to shake off. Wearing a sunkissed green shirt and yellow jeans on the first day of college will ensure that you steer clear off her (or any other girl, for that matter).


Stay away from apples this week. Also avoid rice, cake, onions and meat. Best to just fast, actually.


Beware!! Avoid wearing yellow pants; the person sitting beside you will also be wearing the same.


Geminis will buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even when neither of their parents have sisters.


Next time you travel by the metro, you will be stuck in the same coach as a loud, whiny kid. Oh, and you’ll forget your earphones at home.


Finally you will be able to say “it’s a dream come true thing”, when your Facebook profile picture will get the highest likes amongst your friends.


Hurray!! You are the one who is going to make all decisions for date with your partner. So chill, you can finally take him/ her to Golu Chaat Bhandaar.



Born salespeople, overflowing with the gift of eloquence, they could sell a fur coat to King Kong in the middle of summer, convincing him of evening frost.


There isn’t much romance this week. Oh please, my crustaceous, yet bodacious, Crab!  Read a novel!  Romance went out with fuzzy dice and Clackers.


You are mostly to get a part time job or an internship where you can fill your pockets a bit and obviously celebrate your weekend without any tension for your pocket money.


Any wrong statement about them may stir a storm in a teacup. Try avoiding conversations with these people. They may turn wild anytime, anywhere.


Who knows…maybe you enjoy wearing blame proudly? And also your home will be full of unwanted guests.


Your hard drive will crash and you’ll lose all the episodes of that TV show you’ve been meaning to watch. You’ll lose your other ‘videos’ too.



You will drop your phone. Again. And while the world will be WhatsApp-ing away to glory, you, well, will not be doing the same. Wear mauve with orange polka dots to hasten your phone’s recovery.


Finances look good. The pair of jeans you’ve been eyeing for ages is finally going on sale. But bad news on the health front, your acne is going to make a comeback. Stock up on some Vicco Turmeric.


Extremely high chances of getting caught in the rain this week so keep an umbrella at all times. NOT a raincoat – the cards advise caution, not dorkiness.


Quit being your usual emo self and flooding your texts with so many emoticons! Your girl/boyfriend is getting really annoyed and might just dump you.


Not winning the lottery this week either, so stop wasting money on frivolous pursuits. There were higher chances of you topping the university, and, well, that didn’t happen.


The stars aren’t happy with you this week. You will get caught by the anti-ragging squad prowling the campus. Even if you’re just indulging in some ‘friendly introductions’.



Last year’s result proves you can’t balance work and play. Time for Jack to become very dull if he wants a future. Sad, but true.


Not getting a seat in the metro this entire week. But you will find an autowala who will ‘go by meter’ around Monday.


This week’s tough on love. Your cute crush has found their cute crush, so you’ll have to look elsewhere. Pray to the ‘Virgin tree’ for direction.


Rejoice. You will finally get your hands on the TV remote this Saturday. But the fact remains that you are watching TV on a Saturday night and don’t have a life.


Visitors expected at the end of this week. Probably distant aunts who still pull your cheeks and tell you, “Arrey, how ‘big’ you’ve become!” And your mother will insist you stay at home.


You will feel like a fish out of water in these first few weeks of college, but what else can you expect when you’re wearing those yellow Crocs of yours?

Aries– Regulate the pace of chewing your food and colour-coordinate the clothes in your closet for some credible karma.

Taurus– Accidentally installing timeline on Facebook will put off the longtime object of your secret amorous attentions who finally found you marginally interesting enough to check out.

Gemini– A good time to purchase the Gulshan Kumar T-series Boxed DVD set with special footage of Mithun Chakravarti.

Cancer– Oddly enough, accidentally eating the food meant for your fish will finally grant you the eyebrow hair growth spurt you’ve been desperately hoping for.

Leo– An excellent week to shimmy into your lucky SpongeBob underwear and not emerge till at least Sunday is past. Hygiene and dubious looks be damned.

Virgo– As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Libra– It’s time to finally accept…that The Big Bang Theory is fiction. And that no matter how much you toot the horn of your awesomeness, you will never be Sheldon Cooper.

Scorpio– The universe wants you out of those tight red pants. Take a hint, would you?

Sagittarius– Use the word ‘Panjandrum’ with repeated frequency. The only person who asks its meaning is the culprit behind your absconding sandwiches.

Capricorn–  You. Yes, YOU. You are the reason why sequinned unitards made a comeback.

Aquarius–  Make hay while the iron is hot. Because every silver lining is made of mice and men.

Pisces– Chance encounter with a Big Boss winner of yesteryears will bring you inner peace.