Aries: This week shows signs of bad luck for you. Avoid it by wearing black sweaters and staying outdoors in the sun. It will help.

Taurus: You should give your friends a shopping trip. Spend as much as you can on the group of people you hang around. It will make the coming time prosperous for you.

Gemini: Folks! You have been bestowed with the power to save the world from this heat wave. Throw a pool party and invite everyone you know and you don’t know. Your name will be remembered as the angel of life.

Cancer: Why are you lazing around this summer? Find some work, make use of your time, earn some money and treat people in Delhi University with free ice-creams.

Leo: You should just relax this week. Try not to do or get involved in anything. You should waste as much of your time as you can. It’s one of your talents, make full use of it.

Virgo: Life is so good for you, isn’t it? Well listen then! Your parents might kick you out of your house. You’ve been hiding fishy stuff from them and this week they will find it all out. Good luck.

Libra: Hmm. I see positive signs in your love life. If you are single, you’ll find ‘that one’. Just don’t refrain from your quest regardless of the blazing sun. Go outdoors. He/she is waiting for you.

Scorpio: Water is going to be a bad element for you this week, child. Avoid showers, cold-drinks and anything that feels relaxing to you.

Sagittarius: Missed Humouroscope editions, all this while?  Yeah, I know we did too.Anyway, so your life is about to take a huge turn. You might get a movie offer or something of that sort. Keep all your fingers crossed.

Capricorn: A trip abroad is on cards. Stars are in your favour this week. Make use of it. And don’t really believe horoscopes.

Aquarius: You’ve been happy all this time. It’s all about to get over. Your boyfriend/ girlfriend is going to dump you, you might suffer from a heat stroke, your hair is going to start falling and you are about to witness a living nightmare. Just wait.

Pisces: You are the luckiest zodiac this week. Just lay back and relax.

Aries:Convince your friends for a Thursday show at PVR as a birthday treat. Anything fancier will be unwise and repercussions will be felt in the coming weeks.

Taurus: You’ll reap what you’ve been sowing all these years with your punk and carefree attitude. *police siren*

Gemini: Refrain from downloading TV episodes via Torrents, your internet connection could be subject to a surprise inspection.

Cancer: State of affairs looks fine for you in my crystal ball. Don’t do anything different from what you did last week. In fact, wear the same clothes.

Leo: A good week for Teleshopping! Dial them up and order whatever you like in their commercials. Except for the presenters, I mean. They don’t usually deliver them (yes, I speak from experience).

Virgo: Your love life could either hit a bump or take a leap depending strictly upon your footwear this week. Make good choices.

Libra: Hari mirch ke pakode khaye.  Shanti aur samriddhi aayegi. Prerna bhi milegi.

Scorpio: Your parents are going to find out something about you this week. What is it going to be though? Girl? Guy? Grass?

Sagittarius: Feel like you don’t have enough friends? Time to start watching a classic TV series like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad. Nothing attracts more than knowing what happened in the latest episode.

Capricorn: Is that..what.. why can’t I see your future clearly? Please go have a bath.

Aquarius: Wear your best brands. Cameras are going to engulf you.

Pisces: Keep your excuses ready, someone is going to ask you to transfer Rs.10 to their phone.

Aries: With exams getting closer, you will soon realize that there are almost 5 unknown topics you weren’t aware even existed in the syllabus. This is likely to happen around the midnight before the exam.

Taurus: Your shoelaces are likely to get stuck in the escalator. Beware in malls and Metro stations.

Gemini: You are going to find out that your crush has a crush on you. Enjoy this week.

Cancer: The most beautiful/handsome professor of your college is going to send you a love letter.

Leo:Keep your phone away from your parents. They might discover something you don’t want them to see.

Virgo: Child. You are special. And this time, you are going to top the university. Also, you are stupid enough to believe this, aren’t you?

Libra: If you are planning to cheat on your girlfriend/boyfriend, then please do it after exams. Something bad is likely on the cards.

Scorpio:Avoid having a shower during the exam season. You will score better marks.

Sagittarius: You will receive a letter from one of the PM candidates whose trolls you have been posting on Facebook all this election season, to join their party.

Capricorn: Sunny Leone will WhatsApp you in near future.

Aquarius: You are lucky this week. You are going to get free movie tickets; a date; a car from your parents and a slap if you believe all this.

Pisces: You just need to sleep and sleep more to pass this semester. You will fare well.

Aries: Everyone in the theatre heard you whimper a curse at the Indian censorship board just at that exact moment when Eva Green and Sullivan Staplton were starting to get err…acquainted. Have you never hear of Blu-Ray, child?

Taurus: There is no need to worry about whether you will be able to complete all your assignments in time. I mean, the only rational reason for worrying is when you actually think you have even a slim shot at success, right? So don’t worry.

Gemini: The paper you are holding in your hand right now is our latest work on Nano technology. It can cook your meals, clean your rooms and most importantly do your homework. The only problem is that we ran out of budget just before we could add an ‘ON’ switch.

Cancer: Accepting your parents’ friend request in face book seems like a pretty good thing to do. At least it can help you break that single digit barrier in your friend’s list that has been bothering you for the past 7 years.

Leo: In an alternate universe you are a popular trend-setter with a charming personality. In case you experience a severe inflation of your nostrils and burning of the cheeks, for no apparent reason, please, reread the phrase – ‘alternate universe’.

Virgo: The planets are perfectly aligned to give your brain cells the creative boost they need. You will finally be able to think of an excuse to explain your late arrival in class other than the overused ‘I was stuck in traffic’ routine.

Libra: The letter you wrote, confessing your feelings for her, is really touching. Unfortunately you left it in between the pages of the assignment you just submitted. Keep a good excuse ready just in case the professor gets the wrong meaning out of it.

Scorpio: Today is bring-your-pet-tarantula-to-college-day. NO, I am not talking about your girlfriend. Sure she makes our skin crawl but dude not everything is about her you know.

Sagittarius: Go high profile this week. Throw on some jazzy clothes, some funky moves and sleazy pick up lines. You might just become the most popular troll in town.

Capricorn: It is better than you remain indoors at all times. It is highly probable that you will ruin the day for anyone who comes in immediate contact with you.

Aquarius: Beware! Your girlfriend will drag you to watch a full ‘Vampire Diaries’ re-run. Wearing a necklace made of garlic will not help.

Pisces: You know I had a pretty funny joke in store for you guys but it slipped my mind by the time I got here. Maybe I should start tattooing them on my body next time or better you should really try to be born under another constellation sign.

ARIES: The stars ask you just this one question, “Aap Roadie kyun ban na chahte hain?”

TAURUS: Sorry, but your Mom will discover your secret stash of Baba Sikandar Bangaali’s ‘medicines’.

GEMINI: Go buy those lucky draw coupons, chances are that you will win a new washing machine.

CANCER: You will find your favourite professor squatting on the curb smoking beedi with 3 Rupai ki chai and fruit bun.

LEO: Your caller tune shall automatically change to Sweety Sweety Sweety tera pyaar chaida.

VIRGO: If you are trying to write a book, then the pen name- DOLLY DAGGER will bring you great luck.

LIBRA: Your partner is going to make you watch re- runs of Uttaran till your brain drips out of your ear.

SCORPIO: You will receive a special package of Sorghum from Burkina Faso. Hide it from the cops.

SAGITTARIUS: No one will marry you if you don’t make round rotis.

CAPRICORN: Go to each and every college fest and sing Wavin’ Flag on the Karaoke podium, the audience shall swoon.

AQUARIUS: You will go to see Les Miserables and come out feeling More Miserables.

PISCES: After playing for three years, you’ll find out that the only thing you actually grow on Farmville is lonely.

Image Credits: www.socialmediatoday.com

Aries: Your friends will finally find out that you are still addicted to Chota Bheem, we feel for you.

Taurus: Be wary of DTC’s, you will have your pocket picked. And when they finally do find your wallet, some dark and dirty secrets will be revealed, publicly.

Gemini: Because of your wild Holi adventures this year you will look like Rudolph the red nose reindeer till next Holi

Cancer: You will be the butt of jokes when you say the following words to your friends ‘Bhai please meri selfie kheench de.’

Leo: Re watch this season of Koffee wth Karan, it’ll help you in the upcoming internal exam.

Virgo: Your elder brother is about to steal all the coins from your coin collection and give them out to charity.

Libra: Get hit by at least 3 water balloons each day, it’ll bring you good luck. This applies to all festivals including Holi since we know that Librans are not really into bathing.

Scorpio: Voting for the third front this time would benefit you personally, wear red while you go to vote.

Sagittarius: If you’re wondering why you had 32 Gujiyas in one go this Holi, it wasn’t because you were watching Bhaag Milkha Bhaag and you were bored, it was because of Bhaang beta, Bhaang.

Capricorn: You will have some ill luck around public toilets. Do make sure you remain seated during the entire performance.

Aquarius: You’d be sore for about 2 weeks from that college trip you took, the one which was called ‘Tour Groupe Lube Aynard’.

Pisces: Yes, you are looking for options to celebrate your birthday. We don’t recommend Twinkle Kumar Super Famous Chaat Bhandar.


Image source: www.cospick.com

Aries: One month before mid-semester break you thought to yourself – “I will fully utilize the free time to get my study material organized and cover my syllabus.” Your thoughts now – “Where the hell did I keep my PVR tickets??”

Taurus: Let me go over this again – you actually went over to TGIF, on a Monday, just to correct them that it wasn’t really a Friday? And you said all that before you even ordered your drinks? I am sure they are beginning to rethink their marketing strategy…

Gemini: I have come to a very logical conclusion that Newton’s third Law is a load of bull. Take, for instance, that time when you tried flirting with that cute girl at the club. There was no such thing as “equal” in her opposite reaction.

Cancer: Your parents often encourage you to read biographies of great people like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Albert Einstein…but when you point out that they were dropouts you don’t really get a pat-on-the-back.

Leo: In the near future you shall discard this paper. – This accurate prediction has been brought to you by Du Beat Humouroscope: ‘beating the living crap out of Chinese fortune cookies since 2007…’

Virgo: You are getting an itch at the back of your skull. An itch you get every time you have the feeling you have forgotten something important. It acts as Peter Parker’s spider sense only twice as useless because it never helps you remember until the very minute when it’s all too late.

Libra: You shall enjoy a great bounty of success and prosperity in the near future. Hold on! Apologise, wrong augury, a moment please…ah yes here it is…the children born under the constellation of Libra shall be given false hopes about a successful future and prosperity.

Scorpio: Ahh…you are in love aren’t you child? I can read it clearly in your giggling eyes, the shy twitch of a smile, the burning colour of your cheeks and the fact that you actually shampooed your hair today.

Sagittarius: They say that the best things in life cannot be bought by money. I say, “Oh, please! Thor was a freaking Norse God of War…and he got trademarked. Period.”

Capricorn: Get ready to experience the delights of being caught in a traffic jam, stuck in an elevator or suffering power blackouts(Events Coming Soon this Summer) as temperatures begin to rise again in Delhi. If that isn’t getting you hot under the collar folks than I don’t know what will!

Aquarius: You are very likely to get robbed by a pickpocket today. Instead of letting rage control you try to remain optimistic and tell yourself, ‘I have not been robbed today. In fact, I have fed a desperate man.” On second thought…optimism sucks! Find that sneaky rat!!

Pisces: You are born under the unluckiest constellation. I suggest venting your anger on the Gods or whoever it is that discovered the constellation.

Image Credits: legomessageboards.wikia.com

< Aries: You will develop an insatiable itch on your back this week. The only way to ward off said itch is to rub yourself against a neem tree trunk vigorously.

Taurus: Sing ‘Baby Doll Main Sone Di’ on a loop, all day, and every day. If some people still hang out with you by the end of the week, they are your friends for life.

Gemini: Tired of life? Here’s a three step process to end the boredom forever. Watch a suspense movie/ TV show, reveal suspense to everyone who hasn’t watched it yet, die.

Cancer: Laws of gravity will not apply to you this week. Pakka promise. If you don’t believe us, try jumping off a high- rise.

Leo: The stars have aligned diagonally for you. This means absolutely nothing. You should probably wear a few (read 5-6) rings on both hands.

Virgo: A wonderful internship comes knocking, literally. The doodh wala bhaiya is looking for a new ‘chhotu’. Sure makes for an eye- catchy resume entry.

Libra: The elegant looking lady/ gentleman standing next to you in the metro will release a killer methane bomb. Be prepared for the disgusted looks from fellow passengers who will immediately mentally blame you.

Scorpio: Your worn- to- shreds socks have a very important message to convey, one that you have been overlooking for quite some time now, dig deep within your soul to uncover what they have to say. Or, just buy new socks.

Sagittarius: We predict good times up ahead for you. Someone else will take the fall for even the deadliest of your farts.

Capricorn: You will have your cake and eat it too this week. You may be accused of being a gluttonous pig in the process, but hey, you can’t please everybody.

Aquarius: A new addiction is on the cards for you. It could be anything from Snapchat to snorting. Keep bad habits at bay, watch a ‘Yo Momma’ marathon.

Pisces: Your sister will suddenly want to be a make- up artist and you shall be her ill- destined live mannequin for practice. Get ready for a Marilyn Manson-esque look.

Aries: The DU fest season. A time for joy, a time for celebration, a time to cut loose, a time to have fun and a time when the chances of being stampeded to death shoots up by a whopping 70%.

Taurus: The amount of time it will take for your friends to unanimously agree on which fest to go first is the exact amount of time you can utilise to do any of the following: read a magazine cover to cover, cook a meal for two, ditch those guys and actually attend a fest.

Gemini: You are very likely to get the most intolerable itch in the most unreachable spot of your back. Asking a friend to scratch it off will send a very traumatic message to any third person.

Cancer: I have been staring at the bleak and empty skies for omens…but that just about sums up your future huh?

Leo: The common symptoms of the ‘Breaking Bad’ syndrome are: 1. You find yourself correctly pronouncing words like ‘methamphetamine’ without a hitch. 2. You vaguely begin to comprehend bits and scraps of what is being taught during chemistry lessons.

Virgo: Does your boyfriend spend less time with you these days? Does he talk with his friends, almost breathless with excitement, about ‘making a pass’ or ‘scoring’ but quickly hush up when you approach? Don’t fret my dear…its only Fifa 14, what else did you think?

Libra: Buying yourself an adorable little gift will have a positive effect on your mood today as no one else in the right mind will ever gift you one.

Scorpio: Believe it or not you are actually going to have a good day for a change. So go out there and have fun. Just remember to double check your life insurance premiums before you head out.

Sagittarius: Wear a purple shirt before you try your luck with that hot girl over there. Purple is your lucky colour. Coincidently, purple is also the colour of the painful bruises you are gonna get when her boyfriend is done with you.

Capricorn: I know that they say that the best things in life come for free but come on! Do you really believe someone is going to throw an ‘S’ class Mercedes your way?

Aquarius: My editors are totally against ‘toilet’ jokes because they believe it ‘stinks’. They told me to ‘flush’ any such ideas down the ‘drain’ or else they are going to pull the ‘plug’ on me. Didn’t get it? Give it some time. I am sure it will all ‘sink’ in.

Pisces: I have no doubt that you have been trying really hard my friend. But I don’t think an echo even qualifies as ventriloquism.

Aries: You know you have successfully celebrated Valentine’s Day when – 1. She is all smiles and joy. 2. Your wallet has lost more weight in a day than you ever will in a month.

Taurus: Valentine’s Day! Pfftt…It’s one of those overly-hyped days when people need an excuse to exchange saliva! – If your thinking is anywhere near these lines, it doesn’t need a psychic to know that you are single.

Gemini: Hey look at that! That guy just passed by as if you were invisible! Maybe all those years spent in the blistering cold of the Himalayas, practising ninjutsu with the league of shadows has finally paid off! Or…that guy just plain ignored you.

Cancer: I really appreciate you reading this. I really do. You don’t know how flattering it is for a writer to have his work read. But honey, much as it breaks my heart, I need to tell you that this is not the ‘matrimony’ section.

Leo: A long and romantic drive is on the cards today. Well at least up to the point where the cops pull you over and arrest you for speeding after which you got to deal with a very angry pair of parents in the local precinct.

Virgo:  You will try to run away from it. But nightmares have a way of always catching up to you no matter how fast you run and eventually you will have to choose between the two evils that haunt your every waking moment – the toothache or the dentist.

Libra: Place a hand on your hip while at the same time lift the other above your head, with you index finger pointing upwards. Now spin around like a freaking tornado. And when your head stops spinning apologise to Shaktimaan for trying to copy his stunts and pray that you don’t get sued.

Mr. Cuddles: So some wise guys from the PR department decided that a scorpion should not be used to depict a constellation sign. It is reported to be having a “bad influence” on the younger generation.  So until further notice Mr. Cuddles, the Teddy bear, will be your new replacement sign. We apologise for any inconvenience or ridicule we may have caused. Know it was not our intent.

Sagittarius: Paint runes over your shirt before you try to apologise to your girlfriend today. During the Indian Wars, the natives believed that these runes could deflect musket balls and save their lives. They died though, poor chaps…

Capricorn: Arithmetic of your bad luck: The probability of a good TV show being aired on television is directly proportionate to the timing of your parent’s favourite Saas- Bahu serial which is inversely proportionate to your taste.

Aquarius: Once upon a time Vampires used to hunt down human before sucking them dry. Now they seem to marry their prey instead…Vegetarians. They have to meddle with every God damn thing don’t they?

Pisces:  I always run dry on jokes when I reach you guys. Maybe this is what you call destiny. No matter how much you try, someone always spoils the fun.