Humouroscope: 2nd March- 9th March, 2014

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< Aries: You will develop an insatiable itch on your back this week. The only way to ward off said itch is to rub yourself against a neem tree trunk vigorously.

Taurus: Sing ‘Baby Doll Main Sone Di’ on a loop, all day, and every day. If some people still hang out with you by the end of the week, they are your friends for life.

Gemini: Tired of life? Here’s a three step process to end the boredom forever. Watch a suspense movie/ TV show, reveal suspense to everyone who hasn’t watched it yet, die.

Cancer: Laws of gravity will not apply to you this week. Pakka promise. If you don’t believe us, try jumping off a high- rise.

Leo: The stars have aligned diagonally for you. This means absolutely nothing. You should probably wear a few (read 5-6) rings on both hands.

Virgo: A wonderful internship comes knocking, literally. The doodh wala bhaiya is looking for a new ‘chhotu’. Sure makes for an eye- catchy resume entry.

Libra: The elegant looking lady/ gentleman standing next to you in the metro will release a killer methane bomb. Be prepared for the disgusted looks from fellow passengers who will immediately mentally blame you.

Scorpio: Your worn- to- shreds socks have a very important message to convey, one that you have been overlooking for quite some time now, dig deep within your soul to uncover what they have to say. Or, just buy new socks.

Sagittarius: We predict good times up ahead for you. Someone else will take the fall for even the deadliest of your farts.

Capricorn: You will have your cake and eat it too this week. You may be accused of being a gluttonous pig in the process, but hey, you can’t please everybody.

Aquarius: A new addiction is on the cards for you. It could be anything from Snapchat to snorting. Keep bad habits at bay, watch a ‘Yo Momma’ marathon.

Pisces: Your sister will suddenly want to be a make- up artist and you shall be her ill- destined live mannequin for practice. Get ready for a Marilyn Manson-esque look.

Journalism has been called the “first rough draft of history”. D.U.B may be termed as the first rough draft of DU history. Freedom to Express.

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