Aries: Your patriotic fervour is at an all time high this week. But please refrain from singing “Sandese Aate Hein” in Suniel Shetty’s voice as the national anthem.
Taurus: I know that you have over-heard the cute doctor mention your “Cologne” but I don’t think she was referring to your “Hugo Boss” and “Chanel” collection. What are your thoughts on Ileostomy, child?
Gemini: There are probably three superheroes crushing on you right now. Yea, really, I kid you not! But unfortunately, they cannot reveal their secret identity so that’s a bummer.
Cancer: This week the moon is perfectly aligned with your constellation stars to form what is known as the justaloadofcrap triangle. This phenomenon occurs only once every thousand years and grants the people born under this star sign – absolutely nothing. Hence the name.
Leo: Good to hear that you have almost completely left eating chocolates except in the evenings when you visit the mall and pass by Dunkin Doughnuts. Because you know you deserve a little break from the “strict diet” every “now-and-then”.
Virgo: Scratch this area to win a fantastic prize ->#########
Libra: We have received several concerned mails asking if the ‘Humuroscope’ section of the newsletter is “real”. Let me assure you that we hire only the best clairvoyants who could have spend their “future-scrying powers” in ripping off millions out of the stock market instead of working in a non-profit weekly student newsletter.
Scorpio: Be wary of people trying to fool you into elaborate schemes in order to rip you off of your hard earned money. Keep your money safe by transferring it to this address: www.totallylegitwebaddress.com/transferyourmoney/inthisveryrealbankaccount/seriously/trustme
Sagittarius: Get rid of all your loose change before trying to stealthily tip toe around your lady friends. This week is the “Belated raksha bandhaan week”.
Capricorn: You will have a hard time convincing that the smudges on your touch screen is from trying to beat your “Flappy Bird” score and not because you were texting your Ex the entire night.
Aquarius: Feeling nostalgic with a bit of vertigo? That’s the feeling of indigestion.
Pisces: I often run out of jokes by the time I reach you guys. Today is no different.
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