Humouroscope: 1st- 7th Aug, 2014

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Aries: From the annual system to the semester system and then came the FYUP which was inevitably scrapped. You begin to wonder if you should be worried that the board is playing Russian roulette with the University. No worries chump, by my count, the gun still has two chambers left unfired.

Taurus: When you are caught switching to the wrong lane or travelling in the wrong direction of a ‘one-way’, just quote Robert Frost “I took the road not taken.” I can’t promise it will bail you out but if you are going to get arrested, make it savvy and sophisticated. The ladies dig sophistication.

Gemini: Notoriously infamous for eating until they are stuffed to the ‘gills’, it comes as a little surprise that they are unable to keep their heads above the ‘water’. They are most happy to ‘swim’ with the ‘tide’ no matter how ‘fishy’ things may get. Still don’t get it, Gemini? No worries, puns and ‘sonar’ travel faster ‘underwater’, no wonder you haven’t ‘caught’ it.

Cancer: You may have noticed the severe lack of birthday presents this year. Your friends have assured you that they will at least remember to wish you the next year.Hopefully.

Leo: If you add a whole bunch of letters to your horoscope, it spells ‘Leo-nardo Di Caprio’. Yeah…that’s as close as you are going to get to an achievement this week.

Virgo: Virgo is unique. Take their constellation sign for example. It depicts a woman pouring water, from a pitcher, into the river. A river is, by definition, a large stream of flowing water. Yes you guessed correctly. The word ‘Unique’ was a euphemism.

Libra:. Your smile – contagious. Your voice – melodious. Your achievements – glorious. Your jokes – hilarious. Your defining trait – extremely gullible.

Scorpio: Don’t you just hate modern cliff hangers? I mean those plots in the shows where the hero is just about to learn the truth he has been chasing the entire episode and the plots trails off onto the next season? By the way you just won 10 million dollars. Just collect your cash reward from —(to be contd.)

Sagittarius: See that police man over there? I bet you can outrun that poor guy any day of the week. Just whack his head and run like the wind. It’s going to be so cool.  Just remember to burn any trace of this paper before you try anything that I am totally not trying to talk you into.

Capricorn: Capricorns are highly childish and immature and sometimes I honestly wonder why they have not yet officially changed their sun sign to a ‘unicorn’ just because they rhyme.

Aquarius: I have found that Gemini hang on to Aquarius as if their life depended on it. I don’t have any substantial proof but it may be because the word ‘Aquarius’ comes dangerously close to the word ‘Aquarium’.

Pisces: You are bored. I am bored. So just move on to the next piece and make us both happy. Comprendé?

Journalism has been called the “first rough draft of history”. D.U.B may be termed as the first rough draft of DU history. Freedom to Express.

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