Aries: You know you have successfully celebrated Valentine’s Day when – 1. She is all smiles and joy. 2. Your wallet has lost more weight in a day than you ever will in a month.
Taurus: Valentine’s Day! Pfftt…It’s one of those overly-hyped days when people need an excuse to exchange saliva! – If your thinking is anywhere near these lines, it doesn’t need a psychic to know that you are single.
Gemini: Hey look at that! That guy just passed by as if you were invisible! Maybe all those years spent in the blistering cold of the Himalayas, practising ninjutsu with the league of shadows has finally paid off! Or…that guy just plain ignored you.
Cancer: I really appreciate you reading this. I really do. You don’t know how flattering it is for a writer to have his work read. But honey, much as it breaks my heart, I need to tell you that this is not the ‘matrimony’ section.
Leo: A long and romantic drive is on the cards today. Well at least up to the point where the cops pull you over and arrest you for speeding after which you got to deal with a very angry pair of parents in the local precinct.
Virgo: You will try to run away from it. But nightmares have a way of always catching up to you no matter how fast you run and eventually you will have to choose between the two evils that haunt your every waking moment – the toothache or the dentist.
Libra: Place a hand on your hip while at the same time lift the other above your head, with you index finger pointing upwards. Now spin around like a freaking tornado. And when your head stops spinning apologise to Shaktimaan for trying to copy his stunts and pray that you don’t get sued.
Mr. Cuddles: So some wise guys from the PR department decided that a scorpion should not be used to depict a constellation sign. It is reported to be having a “bad influence” on the younger generation. So until further notice Mr. Cuddles, the Teddy bear, will be your new replacement sign. We apologise for any inconvenience or ridicule we may have caused. Know it was not our intent.
Sagittarius: Paint runes over your shirt before you try to apologise to your girlfriend today. During the Indian Wars, the natives believed that these runes could deflect musket balls and save their lives. They died though, poor chaps…
Capricorn: Arithmetic of your bad luck: The probability of a good TV show being aired on television is directly proportionate to the timing of your parent’s favourite Saas- Bahu serial which is inversely proportionate to your taste.
Aquarius: Once upon a time Vampires used to hunt down human before sucking them dry. Now they seem to marry their prey instead…Vegetarians. They have to meddle with every God damn thing don’t they?
Pisces: I always run dry on jokes when I reach you guys. Maybe this is what you call destiny. No matter how much you try, someone always spoils the fun.
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