Humouroscope: 23rd February – 1st March, 2014

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Aries: The DU fest season. A time for joy, a time for celebration, a time to cut loose, a time to have fun and a time when the chances of being stampeded to death shoots up by a whopping 70%.

Taurus: The amount of time it will take for your friends to unanimously agree on which fest to go first is the exact amount of time you can utilise to do any of the following: read a magazine cover to cover, cook a meal for two, ditch those guys and actually attend a fest.

Gemini: You are very likely to get the most intolerable itch in the most unreachable spot of your back. Asking a friend to scratch it off will send a very traumatic message to any third person.

Cancer: I have been staring at the bleak and empty skies for omens…but that just about sums up your future huh?

Leo: The common symptoms of the ‘Breaking Bad’ syndrome are: 1. You find yourself correctly pronouncing words like ‘methamphetamine’ without a hitch. 2. You vaguely begin to comprehend bits and scraps of what is being taught during chemistry lessons.

Virgo: Does your boyfriend spend less time with you these days? Does he talk with his friends, almost breathless with excitement, about ‘making a pass’ or ‘scoring’ but quickly hush up when you approach? Don’t fret my dear…its only Fifa 14, what else did you think?

Libra: Buying yourself an adorable little gift will have a positive effect on your mood today as no one else in the right mind will ever gift you one.

Scorpio: Believe it or not you are actually going to have a good day for a change. So go out there and have fun. Just remember to double check your life insurance premiums before you head out.

Sagittarius: Wear a purple shirt before you try your luck with that hot girl over there. Purple is your lucky colour. Coincidently, purple is also the colour of the painful bruises you are gonna get when her boyfriend is done with you.

Capricorn: I know that they say that the best things in life come for free but come on! Do you really believe someone is going to throw an ‘S’ class Mercedes your way?

Aquarius: My editors are totally against ‘toilet’ jokes because they believe it ‘stinks’. They told me to ‘flush’ any such ideas down the ‘drain’ or else they are going to pull the ‘plug’ on me. Didn’t get it? Give it some time. I am sure it will all ‘sink’ in.

Pisces: I have no doubt that you have been trying really hard my friend. But I don’t think an echo even qualifies as ventriloquism.

Journalism has been called the “first rough draft of history”. D.U.B may be termed as the first rough draft of DU history. Freedom to Express.

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