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Aries– Regulate the pace of chewing your food and colour-coordinate the clothes in your closet for some credible karma.

Taurus– Accidentally installing timeline on Facebook will put off the longtime object of your secret amorous attentions who finally found you marginally interesting enough to check out.

Gemini– A good time to purchase the Gulshan Kumar T-series Boxed DVD set with special footage of Mithun Chakravarti.

Cancer– Oddly enough, accidentally eating the food meant for your fish will finally grant you the eyebrow hair growth spurt you’ve been desperately hoping for.

Leo– An excellent week to shimmy into your lucky SpongeBob underwear and not emerge till at least Sunday is past. Hygiene and dubious looks be damned.

Virgo– As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Libra– It’s time to finally accept…that The Big Bang Theory is fiction. And that no matter how much you toot the horn of your awesomeness, you will never be Sheldon Cooper.

Scorpio– The universe wants you out of those tight red pants. Take a hint, would you?

Sagittarius– Use the word ‘Panjandrum’ with repeated frequency. The only person who asks its meaning is the culprit behind your absconding sandwiches.

Capricorn–  You. Yes, YOU. You are the reason why sequinned unitards made a comeback.

Aquarius–  Make hay while the iron is hot. Because every silver lining is made of mice and men.

Pisces– Chance encounter with a Big Boss winner of yesteryears will bring you inner peace.

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