Q. We have been friends for two years. I like her very much and she has also been giving me the same signs of late. So how can I propose to her? Please give me some suggestions.

A. Oho, this is an age old problem. Many people want to know how to propose to their beloved. There are many ways I say, but it is completely dependent on the likes and dislikes of the girl you love. Since you know this lucky girl for two years now, you should be aware of them, or something she always wanted to do in some place (Amma means normal daily things, dirty boy). These things, when they happen, are very special and will be a nice way to confess your love for her. It will be a perfect aww moment. Get her chocolates (also a good aphrodisiac), a teddy bear, a card, or anything she likes. But if she doesn’t like it mushy like my coconut chutney, then don’t do it. But ensure that you do something that she likes. With the rains coming in, Delhi will become as romantic as the backwaters of my Kerala and that will surely win her heart.

Q. I am in a relationship and a friend of mine asked me which base I am in. I didn’t know what the bases are and I said one. He started laughing at me saying that after being in a relationship for 8 months I am a loser to be in base 1. I don’t even know what it is. Please tell.
A. Aiyo, this base-vase thing is a new business only. In my times, we had only one thing, and made babies out of it. Anyway for your benefit I shall explain it to you. Every relationship has stages (actually it is reached by people who are not in a relationship also, so lets call it stages of intimacy) which is characterised by a number from 1 to 4. Base 1 is simple kiss, base 2 is tops off, base 3 is pants off, and base 4 is appreciating the human body in its original beauty. Now I would assume you know what I mean. As far as your friend is concerned, tell him to mind his own business, or ask him where he has reached and state a number higher.

QUESTION

I am 32 year old. I marrey in 2005. Now 2 child here. What I would ask you some question about sex matter.

ANSWER

Before I answer any question of yours mister, I have some of my own. How does a guy be 32, married, have 2 kids AND STILL NOT KNOW ABOUT SEX??!! WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT? Play carrom? Aiyyo, the stork doesn’t really bring the kids you know. Has your wife been
“borrowing sugar” from the neighbor a lot lately?

Anyway, about “sex matter”. It’s almost as good as chocolate, except that it will not make cellulite mountains of your hips (yes yes now you know my weakness). Very important too, for the survival of the
species and all that. Bottom line- Do it. For the kids. May Balaji grant you everlasting virility.

QUESTION

Hey Sex Amma. I am desperately crazy about a guy in my college. I have tried many times to seduce him but he is faithful to his girlfriend who is my best friend. But when we are alone he also tries to get naughty with me but stays away in front of his girlfriend. Once I tried to smooch him forcefully and he also got carried away and then he started removing my clothes when I turned him on big time by my passionate smooch and handjob. The moment he undid my bra, his girlfriend came. They broke up few days after that incident and now he asked me out. Should I start a relationship with him? What if he ditches me just like he ditched my best friend? But I want him desperately. What should I do?

ANSWER

WOW. You and your best friend seem to be extremely close. He undid YOUR bra, and your best friend came? I mean WOW. I wish I had a friend who I shared such a connection with. Imagine all the time and effort I’d save.
Seriously though, this guy must be one helluva stud if you “tried to smooch him forcefully”. All I’d say to you is, don’t over-think it. You want him (almost creepily so), your friend doesn’t. Problem solved. Go
for it. Get yours. After all, one of the greatest thinkers of our times said “ye jism pyaar nahi jaanta. Ye sirf jaanta hai bhookh, jism ki bhookh.”

Q: Amma don’t judge me on this question please. I am in love with my
boyfriend. He is very handsome and he gets along well with my parents.
I think we will get married. So my question should be justified.
Sometimes I get a really sharp pain in my lower belly during
intercourse. Why so, Amma? I don’t want to worry but I’m worried.
Please help.

A: You girl! Stop justifying. Amma is cool yo. And yes please always
remember if your conscience allows you to do what you’re doing, then
you should have no qualms about doing the “wrong”. The wrong can
easily translate into the right. *flashes smile for the first time
after the braces came off*

My friend Hilda Hutcherson, a gynecologist at a Medical Centre in
Columbia says, “Don’t stress when pelvic pangs occur during mid-cycle.
Before ovulation, your ovaries may be slightly tender. Having sex may
jostle them, causing a sharp pain.” She gave me a viable solution
also. She says, “Try moving your legs closer together during sex to
keep him from going in too far.”

If pain strikes at other times of the month, see your gyno. It could
signal endometriosis or another serious condition. So you don’t take
unnecessary tension. And kids, if you feel something is intensely
wrong with your system, visit the gyno. They also happen to be a
little more qualified than me. Ogie now time to call my gyno friends
and set a commission rate.

Q: I went to this gynecologist. She was such a buddy to me, Amma. But
she made so much conversation with me that I got distracted and I
forgot to ask her what a “tipped” uterus is. She told me I have one.
Scary, is it?

A: You have a common, perfectly benign variation in your reproductive
anatomy, says Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., a clinical professor of OB-GYN
at Yale University School of Medicine in New Haven, Connecticut.

These colleagues abroad, they talk to perfectly well don’t they!

Normally, the upper part of the uterus leans slightly forward, toward
the bladder, but in about 30 percent of women in the United States,
the top of the uterus tilts backward toward the rectum. Docs used to
believe that women with this condition were more likely to suffer from
infertility, miscarriages, and killer menstrual cramps, but “we now
know that a tipped uterus doesn’t have any detrimental effects,”
assures Dr. Minkin. In fact, if your gyno hadn’t pointed it out, you
may never have known your uterus is tilted.

Honestly, you guys are asking me questions for which I have to contact
my seniors! Good going. *flashes the smile, yet again!*

So this week’s article is combletely dedicated to my girls. You know I actually know that feeling when a girl turns to another and cribs about having the relatively disastrous life. Ouch-ing to incessant hair removal sessions, worrying about the opposite sex way too much, obsessing about them after a while, pms-ing and then menopausing later in life. All this and more is characteristic to our lives. I’m leetle beatle different though. I bet all of you don’t drink coconut milk and go to the gym in bright red saris. But we more or less share the same miseries. So a few days I decided that I’ll dedicate every day to us. Everyday can be a “chic day”. We don’t need an excuse to get away with decadent, self-indulgent, pampering little moves. Just wink at each other and go for it. This week I’m going to give you the five favourite ways through which women, attached or single, can do a jig on the ramp, a wild one, and get away without a wardrobe malfunction. Boys, oh boys, don’t even bother reading ahead.

1. Browse stores and bargain.
We’ve all had a day when we’ve haggled our guts out and saved on crisp notes and admired our bargaining skills. That satisfaction when you travel around, walk constantly and at the end have saved money to be able to have a gol-gappa competition (and gulp some coconut milk). Bargaining is by far the most satiating experience women undergo. You’d rather be out asserting yourself (or the right price) and feeling Barney-awesome about all the money you’ve not spent, not blown, not wasted but saved. If savings was a person, it would be our favourite. After you’re done reading this, please hit the market and but yourself some junk and make the cupboards vomit. Please?

2. Have a Sunday Funday.
Step one. Use your genius schemes and call a few friends. Step two. Text the rest. Step three. Tell everyone that the plan is to grab lunch. Step four. Be there on time. Step three point five. Give yourself a red-hot mani/pedi. Step five. Chat like you got your voice only yesterday. Step six. Enjoy the starters and the main course. Step seven. Make dinner plans. Step eight. Bar hop the rest of the evening. Step nine. Feel great and bless the world. Step ten. Go to bed and make sure you called it a perfect Sunday. Good night!

3. Read in the bath.
You get up in the mornings and you’re panting already. I know you’re late but this one day you need to just calm down and learn to not make bathing an awkward experience. Call it a tub solo that you’re going to undertake and veg out for an hour or two. You might sleep and you can comfortably owe this to the yummy-smelling candles and the elevated bubbles. Please carry a guilty-pleasure book to help the senses ascend. You know how to do this. Get to it. Now!

4. Go to a swanky restaurant for dessert.
You need to go to a super fancy restaurant and order the ice cream injected cupcakes or some chocolate lava. Soak up the luxe atmosphere, enjoy awesome service and eat top of the line deserts. Wait, wait till %.

5. Sleep sans pajamas.
Don’t be shy. You know that the blanket is soft. You know you can perfectly utilise the opportunity since you can’t exactly go for brunch or visit the mall in your birthday suit. What you wouldn’t know is that experts say that you can become desensitized to your own skin if you’re clothed all the time. Not so good. Enjoy the feeling. It doesn’t take more than a strip down.

All this is great. The sky is floating. The clothes smell good. I smell brilliant. Life is good…….*thoughts fade away, amma dozes off*

Q: My boyfriend is in his late 20s, but this is his first real relationship. As we near our first anniversary, he’s starting to act weird. How can I calm him down before he totally freaks?
A: In guy time, one year of dating is like seven. And the first anniversary is a signpost that says This is kinda serious, and it’ll get really serious unless you bail.
Once the day comes and goes and he realizes the world hasn’t ended, my guess is he’ll go back to normal. So if you keep it relatively mellow, he’ll see that it doesn’t mean he now has to start ring shopping.
One more thing: You say he’s behaving weird, but you don’t say how. Are you sure it’s not you doing the wigging out? Or maybe you’re both a little on edge. Regardless, make sure you’re honest about your own feelings as well.

Q: I’ve lived with my guy for years. We’ve talked about marriage, but he’s very close to his mom, and I’ve noticed that he’ll follow her advice after ignoring mine — even if it’s the same advice! Is there anything I can do to make him stop turning to Mom when he should be turning to me?
A: It could be worse. The mother could be a crazy tyrant who’s trying to come between you and her son. Instead, it sounds like she’s merely giving your boyfriend advice when he asks — you can’t blame her for that — and it sounds like she’s often on the same page as you are.
Men are typically fiercely loyal to their moms, and your guy sounds like no exception. So you need to make this about you and your boyfriend and not about him and his mother. Give him a specific example of a time when he bypassed your advice only to be told the same thing by her. Let him know that what bothered you wasn’t that he spoke to Mom — make sure to mention that you’re a fan — but that he ignored you. That sort of thing can’t happen in a marriage and shouldn’t happen in a long-term relationship.
Want to give your mama’s boy even more reason to trust you? Next time the three of you are together, casually bring up a subject you know the mother agrees with you on. Seeing Mom back you up will make it easier for him to turn to you, and only you, in the future.

Ogay friends! Namaskaram. Now, this week I got a lot of confessions from confused teenagers who clearly did “bad bad” things in their lives. I’m sure there are many more to come, but my column today will be called “Confessions”. Don’t stop reading, I’m not disclosing your identity. *wink wink to the naughty boy/girl*. It was fun reading them and I’m a little stuck up with my PhD thesis this week, so this works out well. Here’s presenting confessions. Also, I’d really want to thank ABC and LMN. *second wink wink to the naughty boy/girl*.

1. My friend Seema had been out on a few dates with this guy, Raj, whom we both went to school with. I knew she really liked him, but it didn’t stop me from having a huge crush on him too. One night, I called Seema to see what she was doing. When she said she was about to call Raj and ask him to dinner, I got really jealous. I told her I was going to stay in and watch TV, but the second I hung up, I dialed Raj’s number and invited him over. When he got to my place, we ordered food and snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie. An hour or so later, Seema showed up at my door and explained that since Raj had other plans, she thought she’d come over and hang out. I told her I was about to go to bed, but when she looked past me and saw Raj on the couch, I was totally busted.

Laul, ABC, Laul! You naughty naughty girl. All i can say is, keep the adventure up. Come on, Sex Amma can’t be all gooody gooody all the time. Allow me to say “have fun”. Oh oh, or like you guys keep saying, “studhy hard and parrrty hardher!”

2. When my friend Rajni started dating a guy I liked, I was jealous. But they seemed to make a good couple, so I tried to be happy for her. Then I found out Rajni was being unfaithful. Each time she told me about one of her flings, I’d think that her boyfriend deserved someone better — like me. Finally, I called and gave him a list of guys with whom Rajni had cheated. He dumped her, and we started dating. Rajni still doesn’t know how he found out.

Dear LMN. I like your guts very much. And in all my goodness, I have to say that the poor boy must be luggy to have you today. I hope you’re still with him. Rajni had obvious commitment issues. So, All’z well that end’z well.

Hello kids. Happy now-your-exams-are-over-so-you-can-comfortably-read-me to you!! I don’t get this warped concept in DU. I heard from a highly flustered editor that these exams are a mere five percent. What a waste of time and struggle when you can watch Avatar in 2D and 3D twice over. Pardon me but I somehow had to squeeze in this bit of information. This is not a sly attempt to make you hate your life. I’m only trying to tell my readers that amma is on a “cool-wave”. *flashes the victory symbol*

So while I’m at it, I thought I’ll make you join my gang and tell you girlies about the cervical cancer vaccine. Heard of it? If not, then “oh! I was too busy studying” is not appreciated as an excuse. By the way, cervical cancer is the second most common cause of death cancer in women. Oh now I’m seeing you jerk your head. Broadly, the cervix connects the uterus to the vagina or the birth canal. Most cervical cancers begin in the cells lining the cervix. These cells do not suddenly change into cancer. Instead, the normal cells of the cervix first gradually develop pre-cancerous changes that turn into cancer. The notorious virus associated with cervical cancer is called HPV. I’ll just skip the full form because I’m a tad bit confused about the spelling. Google it! Now a sexual contact with the “toxic” opposite sex can lead to a system being infected by this virus. Usually, people adhere to Pap tests to detect an abnormality. But revelation has struck with the new vaccine which can shoo the virus away. It’s better than the men, this vaccine!

Now here’s the thing. The vaccine is meant for all 11 and 12 year old girls and no, your mother approaching you with getting the shot is not ignorant. The clause clearly states that the vaccine is meant to be entirely effective when given the before the first sexual contact. Considering that you girls keep flooding my inbox with queries about, what mom would call “beep”, you really need to be careful. So a bright spark who has not or infected before, will claim the full benefit of the vaccine. Preferably, a vaccine accompanied by regular Pap tests will best shield you against cervical cancer.

The vaccine is given in the arm or thigh 3 times—at the first visit, 2 months later and 4 months after that. The best protection is achieved after all 3 shots are given. Ouch!

HPV infection is most common is a woman’s “complicated” body. So you need t , in reality, resort to “prevention is better than cure”. Don’t wait for the apple for your entire life to keep the gynae away.

Q: You know I don’t mean to brag or anything. So please trust me when I say that I’ve always been asked out. I’ve always had to answer and have never popped the question myself. A few days back, However, I had this “big Bollywood” moment when a girl with the most gorgeous hair and the fairest skin walked into my class and caught me with my jaw dropped. I’m not a loser if that’s the picture being painted. But I really want to ask her out and give it a shot. I know you feel like you’re answering a 13 year old, but I need to know how to get I started? I want to give it a shot and I need help. Also, I could be a 13 year old, if it helps.

A: Eem-press-eeve. I see you are trying to be funny. Trying to tell me that you’re not that bad after all haan. So I’d say use it on the girl and not me! Many people find this the really difficult bit. But you’ve got to remember this one thing-‘if you don’t ask, you’ll never know!’. Everyone feels that rejection might come their way, a big “NO!” might be flung at their face. But there is a possibility of a “yes” too, isn’t it? A little optimism would help, won’t it? Then again, you won’t know until you ask.

I always feel that asking some out is a way to let the other person know that you’re interested. I’ve seen so many people who see their current boyfriends as “friends” earlier and then suddenly develop massive amounts of “that” feeling when asked out. So a “no”, eventually undergoes transformation and gets replaced by a “yes”!

I’m afraid that the practical side of asking someone out doesn’t have a recipe. It differs in every situation. You’re not a loser now but you’ll be if you don’t give it a shot. Reason enough? Now go, dedicate a joke to her!

Q: I started having sex because I though “everyone was doing it”. I didn’t even ask myself whether I was ready for it. I thought that the situation involved two people and those two were happy in it. Now when I think about it, I feel like a disrespected my body. I engaged in casual sex with a lot of confidence, but I’m not very proud of it now. I really feel like the fool to have blindfolded myself and not seen the consequences. So, what’s so attractive about casual sex? I’m repenting it now, but why did it feel good then?

A: You’re asking me this question only because you want me to re-assure you that the fact that you did do it then, wasn’t entirely your fault. I can sense it. And I will tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Whatever you think, it is a fact that casual sex is very popular and for almost everyone, it’s serving a purpose! We’ve all been brought up to see sex outside a long-term serious relationship as wrong. So, we do tend to develop this feeling that casual sex is more exciting or is an act of rebellion that one may find appealing. As a result there is a great degree of mystery and unfamiliarity involved and that further adds to the appeal. Also, both parties are aware that the sex is not going to lead to a relationship. So the act is relaxed .     It can be a bit of enjoyment, so there’s no denying that it’s very attractive and lures half the population of this world. Yes, you were being stupid. But that could just be justified as a part of growing up. So the regret must be nullified!

But from now on, HAVE CONFIDENCE AND HAVE RESPECT!!

Q: You know Amma it’s strange but the menstrual cycle of my group of friends tends to sync up? It’s very absurd. Is there a concrete cause?

A: Haha. Sometimes you guys come up with such unbelievable ones. Always a pleasure answering them though. No one is sure why women who live together or spend a lot of time in each other’s presence tend to ovulate in tandem.  But it has been observed in clinical studies as well as anecdotally in the real world and is considered a valid phenomenon.

The prevailing theory is that chemicals emitted from our sweat glands called pheromones somehow trigger each woman’s cycle to synchronize. The purpose of this is still a mystery. It may be that back in caveman times, having a group of females be fertile all at once helped propagate the species, since one man could impregnate them very quickly. So there! Lots of trivia I provided, no? Thanks for the question. I had fun answering it.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a fairly long time now. The sex is great, no complaints. But it’s odd that after it’s done, he passes out and I lie wide awake. Now, why would that happen? I expect us to have a little talk, if not be all charged up. I’m trying not to get frustrated with this habit of his and your telling me that it’s normal will only help. Please tell me the cause.

A: Dear child, It’s a misconception that sex always leads to peaceful slumber. For some, it has the opposite effect, since lovemaking raises your heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline levels. Don’t think I don’t have a solution to this for I do! And it’ll work, trust me. So, to prevent post-sex insomnia, reschedule the action for earlier in the evening. And try not to let him drift off until you’re satisfied. Orgasm can help bring the body down to its normal resting state. So if you’re not climaxing regularly, you need to have a chat with your guy about how the two of you can be more in sync. I feel like all my knowledge is finally being put to relevant use. No no I’m not bragging. Only appreciating the “quality of questions” being sent in lately. Keep it up guys. Clap for yourselves.