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Sex Amma: Not able to take it to the next level

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Q: Dear Amma, I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 3 months now. My girlfriend is lovely, intelligent, and I love her sense of humour. But the problem is, I’m just not attracted to her in a, you know… Sexual way. She has often tried to lean in for a kiss but I can’t help but turn my face and pretend to not have noticed. She’s a great person, I don’t want to let go of her but I don’t know if I can ever take it to the next level. What should I do?

 

A: You are indeed too deep into the backwaters, dear Machhi. Amma has seen many young ones sacrifice a mental connection for a physical one, but you’re swimming right against the Periyar!

People may tell you that physical attraction doesn’t matter, but don’t be misguided! Having a healthy sexual connection is as important for a relationship to flourish in its truest form as a meeting of the minds. Do not get discouraged just because your dosa isn’t crispy yet, sometimes the batter needs to be rested for best results. Talk to your lovely maiden, tell her the truth. This gives you two machhis a wonderful opportunity to try different settings for the most delicious meal! Try role play, maybe that’ll get the chutney grinding. Conversely, try the path of absolute abstinence to heat your pan.

Amma advises you to try hard, but not too hard. Matters like these cannot and should not be forced. If even after several honest attempts you can’t bring yourself to make harmonious music together, let the little machhi go. Spare both yourselves the heartbreak that Amma has so often heard of, but never borne!

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Sex Amma: Boyfriend uses mobile during the deed

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Q. Dear Amma, my boyfriend has this annoying habit of using his cellphone while we are in the middle of it. I mean, when I am busy at the “job”, he would pull out his phone, check his Facebook, WhatsApp (puts his status about how pleased he is right now; however flattering that is, it’s kinda embarrassing too) and even begin to take selfies and put them in his SnapChat story. I ask him to not do that, but he just doesn’t listen and this really puts me off. Please help!

A. Now Amma knows how addicted you young machhis are to your cellphones, but this is quite new to hear and a little weird, to be honest! Amma has had lovers who loved to brag about my amazing gifts at the art of pleasure-giving, but that was after the deed was done, not during it! You over-steamed-over-enthusiastic-idlies these days! Aiiyyoo!

Still, Amma believes in making the best out of everything! Here’s what you can do to make him pay attention to you rather than his social life, while he totally blows (heheh) his private life. Get kinky. No better reason to get your real freak on. Tie his hands and even blindfold him when you’re down at business. This will make his phone inaccessible and let him feel the waves of absolute pleasure, without any other distractions.

For more pointers, read Fifty Shades of Grey (only the sex scenes, because, hello we all know it’s not for the very engaging plot that they’re making a movie out of it). Get a whip too, if his hand strays anywhere from you, hit him. That’s how we get things done, Amma style!

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Sex Amma: Should I meet the guy I’ve been talking to on a dating app?

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 Amma, it’s vacation time and to kill time, I downloaded a dating app. It was fun, accepting and rejecting people. I didn’t expect a lot out of it, but I met a promising looking “match”, and we’ve been talking for a fortnight. Yesterday he said he wants to meet up. Now though I love talking to him, I’m not sure if I should agree. What do I do?

Ah, these dating sites and app! Amma just can’t get a hang of these! I don’t know what you new machhis are up to. Having said that, Amma has had her share of dating sites, though she prefers going old school. It sure is quite fun!

Coming to business, make sure you learn about him as much as you can. Add him on other social media, like Facebook and Instagram. Google him, too! This will help you be a bit more sure about him.

And most importantly, meet him in a public place, like a mall or a market, during the day. Follow general rules of precaution like keeping an eye on your drink and so on. If that nariyal chutney turns out foul, you can throw it out with the trash quite easily.

I hope you have fun! Give him a chance, and just be careful. 🙂

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Sex Amma: Crushing on a teacher!

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Dear Amma, I am in a girls’ college and that means very less interaction with the opposite sex on a daily basis. Well, I think I have a thing for this male teacher. I find him so cute and he is very intelligent and attractive. There are times when I feel like making an advance, despite knowing that it is wrong and against all moral codes. He is not very old too, and has just started teaching. I can’t seem to be able to help it. Please tell me how to cope with this.

 

Amma can never find a question from you confused little machhis that doesn’t make her nostalgic! I believe that having a crush on a teacher is an inevitable feeling that everyone goes through. Amma went to an all girls’ college too and can relate very well with you. Oh the fantasies I had of my teacher!

Go ahead, have a crush on him, dream about him and I’m pretty sure you stare at him in the corridors too! Don’t make him uncomfortable though. Amma firmly believes that the fantasies about teachers should be only that, fantasies. Even if he is not much older than you are, there is a line that must not be crossed little idli! It is very unprofessional and will put him in a difficult situation, for he has much to lose in case anything goes wrong. Once you pass out though, you could see if he’s available and “make your moves”. Until then, keep calm and keep on crushing!

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Sex Amma: Where can I make out with my girlfriend?

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Dear Amma, I’m a college student and I live with my parents. It’s very difficult for me and my girlfriend (who also lives with her folks) to find places to get it going. Please suggest some places where we can go to make out or take it a bit further, if you know what I mean.

Uff my desperate little machhi! If you lived in the greenery of my sweet Kerala, you would have no worries for you could go boating in the backwaters! And my naive idli, I always know what you mean!

But, talking about Delhi, Amma has stolen kisses in the stairs of abandoned buildings. The third floor of Rugby Sevens in the North Campus is a great place, if ever you get a chance to go in. It’s normally deserted, but you might find a dog or occasional person there, so you might have to make a run for it, but it’s mostly safe. If your parents have endowed you with a car, make use of it, or just borrow a friend’s car. Got some friends living in PGs? Ask them for a favour. Make use of the terrace at your place, or hers. Elevators are a world-renowned making-out spot. Then there’s always that deserted movie hall you could go to! Go have fun, you little honey-buns!

 

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Sex Amma: Parents walking in at the wrong moment?

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Dear Amma, I’m an eighteen year old boy who has never had a lot of female friends. I finally have a girlfriend now but I’m scared to bring her home. I don’t know how to go about the ‘deed’. And wait! What if my parents walk in or catch us? It happened with a friend of mine and ever since then, I’m really worried about this. I’m excited yet nervous at the same time. Help!

Aiyyo rama! You poor macchi, so stressed! Now that you finally have your share of idlis in your life, why so scared? The deed is easy, if you and your girlfriend are comfortable and relaxed! You have already fallen off the tree. Just make your way through the sands of this beach to the right location. All will be fine.  Once under the cover, the dosa itself figures out the way.. And your rajni will be happy, aiyyo. Don’t worry so much, this is supposed to be fun, remember?

As for parents walking in? Why would you bring her over when your parents are at home? Not wise, little idli. Parents are anyway very suspicious of what their kids are up to. Add a girlfriend in your room in the mix? All hell might just break lose. Think about it, will you be able to relax, knowing that your parents are in the next room?  Plan a little ahead, make sure you two are alone and have enough time to yourselves.

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Sex Amma: She refuses to go all the way

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Q. Dear Amma, I am in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a girl. We make out a lot, and we quite like it. But she is not open to going all the way and I am desperate to do it. She keeps telling me it should be with somebody I love, but I can’t help hoping. What do I do? Please help.
 
A. Aiiyyoo, my little macchi-out-of-water! First of all, congratulations on finding another out-of-water macchi! I find these relationships a blessing from the Heavens. You don’t have to climb the coconut tree to get the coconut; it just comes to you, no strings attached!
 
About your little trouble in paradise, you must respect her decision. Maybe she is saving herself for her perfect coconut!  You could try expressing your desperate need to her while sipping delicious coconut water from the same coconut but little macchi do not force her. The lady macchi will swim away before you can say rawa idli.
 
If nothing works my  steamy plate of Puliyodharai, there are plenty more fish in the backwaters of Kerala, and around you. Since it is just a casual fling, go steam your idlis elsewhere!
 
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Sex Amma: The big foot theory- Fact or false?

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Dear Amma, I’m a 19 year old girl and I’ve never gotten intimate. I’ve often heard people say that the bigger a man’s foot size, the bigger is his you-know-what. Recently, I have begun to get really aroused every time I see a guy with big shoes. It gets pretty embarrassing, especially in crowded public places, as I can’t stop staring and fantasizing. Please help!

Aiyyo, you poor misled machhi! A man’s feet and his crisp paper dosa are about as related as an idli and uthappam- The basic make up is similar, but the size, shape and thickness may vary greatly.
Although some studies have shown a correlation between the size of a man’s fingers and toes and the wonder down under, Amma knows better than to judge chutney by its colour. Once you have dipped your idlis in as many sambhars as I have, you will realise that sometimes a guppy fish is better endowed than a manly salmon. Even if your partner isn’t as hefty as you’d hoped, don’t spoil your batter. After all, it’s not the size of the dosa, but the quality if the masala that matters!

Once you realise how petty it is to worry about a dosa’s length, you will automatically stop gawking at Mr. Big Shoes. As for fantasizing in public places, who doesn’t? 😉

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Sex Amma : I think my boyfriend is turning ‘straight’!

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Hello, Amma! I am a guy and I am in a relationship with another guy for the last one year. Things were well till he recently told me he hooked up with a girl when he went to Goa with his friends a month back. He said he liked it a lot and now he thinks he might be bisexual instead. Is this his way of suddenly realizing he is straight actually? Or am I over thinking? Help!

Aiyyo! Macchi, I know this must be really confusing for you. Our world is such a cruel place anyway for lovebirds like you and your cherukkan.  The only men who ever rejected Amma’s offers were those of the ‘happy’ types and Amma still lusts over them. But you did not write to know about that (or did you? *winks*).

See my vaazha koombu, sexuality is a spectrum and not something that is necessarily static. In my expert opinion, most people never realise their true potential and so remain inside the boxes they have discovered for themselves. But a lot of people do play around the court. Amma did and still yearns for some vadas at times. Your boy did the same too. People cannot ‘change’ their sexuality and your cherukkan maybe just realized something which was the reality all along!

Even if your boy is into both dosas and vadas, it still does not mean that he does not love you! If he did not then he would not have been with you. His heart and his dosa are different from each other. He just realised that his tastes are more varied than what he thought before. Actually, going by your less-than-outraged reaction to his hookup, Amma suggests popping in a vada from time to time in your play times to make things a little spicier. Because having idlis with sambhar everytime is okay but with rasam even better.  😉

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Sex Amma: Unrealistic expectations thanks to porn!

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Hello Amma. My sex life is actually very good. The only problem is that my girlfriend watches a lot of porn and expects us to perform as well as they do in the videos. She doesn’t understand that I am not a professional as they are and she ends up being disappointed. How do I make her understand?

 

Aiyyo! Amma doesn’t understand how you little ones are so unable to differentiate between fact and fiction. The Kathakali that those painted (and may I add dented?) men do on stage is different from the thumkas people do on the streets. Tell her that those virile men with their extra-long-butter-paper-dosas getting it on with those macchis with their perfectly shaped idlis are paid to be good at what they do. And even they take breaks in between. Back in the old days when your Amma’s jackfruit-shaped hips were as flexible as her taste in idlis and dosas, she was invited to work in those videos which were such rages back in her old village, and so she knows. What she learnt was that not everyone is a Silk Smitha and even she was in awe of Amma’s moves.

Watch porn to get ideas or to get as fluffy as a well made vada and to get in the mood. But to compare to those gods and goddesses is to be forever disappointed. Unless your paramour is ready to take super-speciality classes with you from Amma (those can get interesting), she will always be one step less perfect from those in the videos. Get inspired by what they do, learn a few tricks from them. But as my mentor Rambha Kutty used to say, never compare the rasam you are sipping on right now with anything else! And Amma says that applies to what you see in porn too!

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