Q: Is it alright if most people around me shave hair “down there” and I don’t? 

A: Yes, not some but most girls these days want to shave off all their hair “down there”. Oh! if you noticed, hair and there rhyme!. But I should only stick to being sex amma, I know. Ya, so is it a good idea? Sure, it’s definitely okay to get rid of unwanted hair that might poke out of your bathing suit, but do you need to remove all of it? I would think not. In fact, girls who remove all of their Mons hair can develop skin infections that become big abscesses full of pus. Ewww and ouch! Girls who shave all of the hair around their vaginal openings can also get skin infections, but more often, they develop skin irritation from vaginal discharge.  See, when you have hair around the vaginal opening, it helps absorb and remove the discharge to keep it from sticking to your skin. Vaginal discharge has Ph (a chemistry thing) that can irritate the skin. SO the basic lesson is that it’s fine to trim any hair, ANYWHERE. And, trim means to cut or shorten and not shave completely!

Q: Does everyone have one breast which is heavier than the other?

A : We women can never stop bothering about our “body parts”, can we? Yes breasts do deserve a little attention. Boys and media give them enough attention, so we will too! Yes, they come in all shapes and sizes, and no two are exactly alike, including your two! Lopsided!? Well, join the club. It’s the case with most girls and women but it’s not very noticeable until you look closely. And, if yours are more lopsided than you think they should be, then maybe you should pay your gynae a visit!

 

Q: I know tampons are safe to use, But there is still this whole TSS issue I heard about. So I just want to know what TSS is and whether it makes using tampons risky or something?

A:  Ah, you make me very glad ! Because the general problem you girls associate with tampons is really silly. It’s ok if you don’t want to admit what many of you are thinking but as (ahem ahem) “sex amma”, it’s my duty to clarify that:
 TAMPONS WON’T BREAK YOUR HYMEN.
 THEY WILL NOT INJURE YOUR VAGINA.
  AND THEY WILL CERTAINLY NOT TARNISH YOUR REPUTATION OF THAT WANTED IMAGE OF A “GOOD GIRL”.
So now that I have let this out of my system, I’ll come back to your question. Yes, TSS or Toxic Shock Syndrome was something that scared a lot of people. TSS became popular and well known when it started happening among women who used one particular brand of tampons, which to my relief, are no longer made!
But just to tell you what it is, TSS is a severe infection with a particular type pf bacteria and it is only rarely associated with tampon use. My Google search (which i don’t refer to very often), told me that it is more common with surgery or skin infections. Recently it has occurred a little more frequently because of super absorbent brands. But there is a solution to this as well. So, if you’re using one of these make sure you remove it within 4-6 hours. So the bottom line still remains that TAMPONS ARE SAFE TO USE IF USED PROPERLY!

Q: My little brother in the fourth grade told me about the whole “birds and the bees” idea and from whatever little explanation he gave me, I knew at once he was talking about something related to sex. Now since his teacher mentioned this to wave off some question that this brat had asked her in class, I am guessing there must be some reason behind this explanation. Could you tell me what it is?

A: You know, young man, you should not doubt my knowledge ever because believe it or not, i have an answer to everything, including this. Hmm, “birds and the bees”- What do they have to do with sex? Great question! Now, it all goes back to the Victorian times when sex was never mentioned, yes never! People were so uptight about sex that they made up an explanation for reproduction based on plants in nature. Can you believe living in a world like that? If you say yes, you’re lying! So basically, the birds were part of plant reproduction because they spread seeds. They would eat berries and seeds, and then spread them as they left their droppings throughout nature. That’s the “birds'” part. The bees then were responsible for helping things in nature to grow by pollinating them. So listen to this, the Victorian families gave that explanation about seeds and pollination to help explain sex to their children!! And, wait a minute that explanation in fact, only came on the eve of their weddings! Feeling bad for them na!? And talk about creating confusion! So all you should be is glad, really glad that you’re getting this sex stuff all out in the open!!

 My boyfriend is acting very strangely. Whenever I wear revealing clothes, he feels unhappy. Is this a legitimate reason to change my style to something more demure?

These boyfriends, I tell you!  Sometimes, they can be experts at unnecessarily adding complications to your relationship. Here is my straightforward solution to your problem. Your clothes, young lady, reflect who you are! If you agree with this, then believe me when I say that, firstly, the boyfriend comes across as a little lame. Secondly he seems to have a problem with who YOU are. Obviously you are showering him with excessive attention and he doesn’t appear to have a problem with your behavior. Time to open those eyes and shake yourself up my child! Because this isn’t a legitimate reason to change your style but it certainly is one legitimate enough to change your boyfriend!  So next time he walks around wearing his jeans on his knees to reveal J-O-C-K-E-Y, you will find reason enough to “change”. Take amma’s word on this one.

Its odd that pregnant women suddenly start hating food they used to love! Why does this happen? Why do pregnant women get strange food cravings?

Ah, smart move you naughty mind! Actually your asking me is justified because catering to your future wife’s cravings will be that tough job you need to start preparing for! Now, it is obviously not “all in the women’s heads”. If you say that, nutritionists and medical experts will give you those dirty looks. These sudden cravings are the result of hormonal changes that drastically alter taste perception. And, don’t forget, there is a small growing fetus draining nutrition from mommy dear. Arey! She is now eating for two! And my logic, which has never in the past let your curiosity down, likes to assume that the fetus is taking nutrients unevenly. Hence, those weird cravings and aversions! Now that you have asked me this exceptional question, my child, I have worked my brain to tell you some very interesting facts.

THE MOST POPULAR CRAVINGS:

1. Ice ice baby! Ice, not water or a soft drink.

2. Pica, in which the mother craves non-food substances. So get bags full of dirt, clay, chalk, dishwasher detergent and, the least scary, ice chips.

Oho, now all of a sudden I need to rush. That pickle sundae is starting to sound awfully tempting. Going by my svelte figure, I bet you must be wondering where I put it away- *wink wink*.

Q1) My friend has genital warts. I have no idea what that is and I don’t want to ask him because it’d be too awkward. Could you explain?

Aiyyo. Genital warts are nasty business to be sure, child. It is a highly contagious sexually transmitted infection spread through direct skin-to-skin contact during oral, genital, or anal sex with an infected partner. Symptoms are fleshy lumps which start forming around the anus, the shaft or tip of the penis, the scrotum, or in women, inside or outside the vagina. Sometimes, you even get them in the throat or mouth if you’ve been trying oral sex. My condolences to your friend, son. But tell him to take heart! The warts may disappear without any treatment; not to say he shouldn’t seek medical help, ofcourse. I’m all for experimentation, but always with caution, my dears!

Q2) I have a beautiful girlfriend but the trouble is that she has even more beautiful friends! I can’t stop hitting on them. Is it just me or are my hormones playing up?

The typical male, I tell you! Lust after all the women you set your eyes on and then blame the innocent little hormones. Tch tch tch. Wait a minute… that sounds a lot like my good friend Slutty Sexena . But enough of reminiscing over the good old days! Hmm. Well anyway, my Casanova, hitting-vitting is all ok when done discreetly. Otherwise, what you think is harmless appreciation of beauty, may be considered as being lecherous by many. After all, variety is the spice of life! But girls are sensitive creatures you see. So don’t carry it too far. A bird in hand, is always better than two in the bush, remember?

The time now seems exceeding ripe for a crash-course in the very basics that you young ones seems so sadly unaware of.
Many times I have had to suppress a worried pinch while reading the letters that you all write to me demanding explanations. It seems that even without access to more technology, I enjoyed the fruits of knowledge at a far younger age. But fear not children for I will guide you to the glorious path and not let you stumble.

The 1st step- Once the initial hiccups of tension are over and done away with, land that perfect smack-a-doodle-doo and enjoy it. Note without tongue, you are NOT making out, you are just faking…

The 2nd step- For many people this can be the most worrisome phase with sweaty palms barring the way to joyful experimentation. That being said, talking about it with your partner and knowing each other’ comfort zone is essential. You may begin by moving below the neck at a slow pace using your hands and mouth to bring a restless smile on your partner’s face! Make sure you are not too rough, unless that remains a prerequisite. Wink wink!

The 3rd step- By this time both people involved should be relatively comfortable with moving on. Discover each others sensitive points and you’ll be surprised to know how much fun that can be. The trick would be to do what you would want to be done to you. Experimenting, especially below the belt, is the way to go! Do whatever it takes to wipe the blissful smile of your partner’s face and replace it with sweat! (Obviously of the good kind there are no edible fruits down there! Reference to Bananas and Punani’s for the not so wise)

The 4th step- There is no real way to go about the “deed”. It’s about knowing what is comfortable for the both of you. It remains different for different people. Remember to use protection, and pleasure is your right, and don’t let go until you get it! Sigh, and get it…sigh..and get it…sigh…and over again…sigh…and sighhhh…

1.) Amma some of my friends keep talking about ‘fuck fat’. What is it? Is it true that my posterior will bloat up if I have too much sex? Please help.

Sometime I think it is true, my ahem, posterior as you so kindly put it did at one point of time require me to have two boat houses on the back waters lashed together so that the one I was in would not sink when I leant over one of the sides. But this was also when Ramaswamidu and me had just broken up after a really wild and raunch-itty relationship for 2 years. I think it has a lot to do with how comfortable your partner makes you feel about your body, that you don’t count the calories, and indulge your latent desires as much as you can, whether it is for chocolate or other things. IT has nothing to do with fat put on as a result of sex. But I am not very clear on this as I have lost a lot of weight ever since Ramaswamidu left my boat house.

2.) Dear Amma, I have been having a lot of sex recently, with multiple partners. Ofcourse protected sex! But I’m afraid I might have HIV. How do I know for sure. And where can I get tested without my family coming to know. Also how expensive is it.

Aiyo! Multiple partners good, HIV not so good. My dear child (after mine own heart) let me tell you. That today it is very easy to get checked. When I was young HIV stood for a hi 5 (sorry my recent lack of sexual exploits leaves me in a bad joke mood. Or maybe it is the effect of this cartoon strip that I am addicted to right next to my column called Vibby’s world. It is so very very funny!) yes but coming back to your quandary, today you can go to any clinic to get an HIV test that does blood samples. You can also get it done for minimal costs at any government hospital and you can choose to remain anonymous. Private hospitals are slightly more expensive. Spinal Injuries charges rupees 300 for an HIV test and you get your results within a few hours. A little research online and you can locate the nearest clinic and prices. Just google HIV testing. Don’t worry my child safe sex inevitable protects you. Look at me. I’ve done things few men would dream off and I’m still hale healthy and on the slightly pudgier side.

1.) Amma, I was kissing a boy for the first time and he was stoned, and I think he did not know what he was doing. And even though we were completely dressed I think he tried to hump me. How do tell him that it was not okay? And that he should not do it next time.

Aiyo!!! my hump my hump my hump my lovely little lumps!! In my village we usually don’t wear clothes so I have never had such an opportunity to be dry humped. 🙁 Maybe he did not try to hump you but was dancing oddly, or was easing an itch. That you read too much into. But either way the next time you find yourself in such a situation just tell him that he should stop and behave himself. Incase the guy you are with is inebriated then you can always throw water on his face and walk off. Since it is the first kiss, (sigh my first kiss) one entertains all these notions about how romantic they are. But let me tell you. The first time I kissed a man was everything but the knee popping Ann Hathaway princess Diaries smooch. So just make the right choices when you decide to let some one close enough to your lovely lady lumps…

2.)I was in a relatioship with a guy for over 2 years but we broke up because of some familial problem at his end. After that he blamed me for the break up and told everyone in our friend circle about our sex-life. This really hurt me and i was determined to not talk to him ever again. However, a few months later he came back and apologised, promising to make it work this time around. He was so convincing that i believed him and took him back into my life. Recently, he dumped me again and this time for something very trivial. What worries me more is that though i’m upset with him, i am still not angry enough to cut all contact with him. I feel like i would forgive him again if he came back to me and somehow that doesnt seem like the most sensible thing to do. Please help!

It sounds like you’ve already made the decision and the more sensible option is also very clear to you. This person has, for whatever reason, not treated you very well but you’re still clinging on to the relationship you once shared. People do regret their mistakes but the fact that he left you a second time around should be indication enough that he isnt taking this as seriously as you are. Perhaps you should reconsider if this is the sort of person you want to be with. If inspite all the information you have, you choose to go ahead with him as and when he comes back then you must prepare youself to live with some uncomfortable consequences. Be very careful how you treat your own self, don’t forget that your own joy matters too.