Dear Amma, I am in a girls’ college and that means very less interaction with the opposite sex on a daily basis. Well, I think I have a thing for this male teacher. I find him so cute and he is very intelligent and attractive. There are times when I feel like making an advance, despite knowing that it is wrong and against all moral codes. He is not very old too, and has just started teaching. I can’t seem to be able to help it. Please tell me how to cope with this.

Amma can never find a question from you confused little machhis that doesn’t make her nostalgic! I believe that having a crush on a teacher is an inevitable feeling that everyone goes through. Amma went to an all girls’ college too and can relate very well with you. Oh the fantasies I had of my teacher!

Go ahead, have a crush on him, dream about him and I’m pretty sure you stare at him in the corridors too! Don’t make him uncomfortable though. Amma firmly believes that the fantasies about teachers should be only that, fantasies. Even if he is not much older than you are, there is a line that must not be crossed little idli! It is very unprofessional and will put him in a difficult situation, for he has much to lose in case anything goes wrong. Once you pass out though, you could see if he’s available and “make your moves”. Until then, keep calm and keep on crushing!

Hello Amma. My sex life is actually very good. The only problem is that my girlfriend watches a lot of porn and expects us to perform as well as they do in the videos. She doesn’t understand that I am not a professional as they are and she ends up being disappointed. How do I make her understand?

Aiyyo! Amma doesn’t understand how you little ones are so unable to differentiate between fact and fiction. The Kathakali that those painted (and may I add dented?) men do on stage is different from the thumkas people do on the streets. Tell her that those virile men with their extra-long-butter-paper-dosas getting it on with those macchis with their perfectly shaped idlis are paid to be good at what they do. And even they take breaks in between. Back in the old days when your Amma’s jackfruit-shaped hips were as flexible as her taste in idlis and dosas, she was invited to work in those videos which were such rages back in her old village, and so she knows. What she learnt was that not everyone is a Silk Smitha and even she was in awe of Amma’s moves.

Watch porn to get ideas or to get as fluffy as a well made vada and to get in the mood. But to compare to those gods and goddesses is to be forever disappointed. Unless your paramour is ready to take super-speciality classes with you from Amma (those can get interesting), she will always be one step less perfect from those in the videos. Get inspired by what they do, learn a few tricks from them. But as my mentor Rambha Kutty used to say, never compare the rasam you are sipping on right now with anything else! And Amma says that applies to what you see in porn too!

Amma, I am a 20 year old girl and for the past 1 year, I have a “friend with benefits”.  While we both enjoy each other’s company and the sex is good enough, I am already bored of doing the same thing over and over again. I recently asked him about trying some new stuff in bed, but he is too reluctant to venture into the unknown. Should I look for a new friend? Help!

Your Amma simply loves when young macchis want to go explore the deeper parts of the backwaters to catch themselves juicer fishes. But Amma would also like to warn against their sharper bones! I remember the time when bored of Unnikrishnan’s same old idli-making, Amma wanted to try the dosas of the gilded youth of the neighbourhood. Aiyyo! But I must keep such remembrances for when I am alone. *winks* Listen macchi. You and your koottukaran got together for the sex only. Now if your vada is telling you that his dosa is no longer doing the trick, then either tell him to buckle up his mundu and get to work or look for some new pasture. There are no two ways of looking at this, poovu.

But my dear, before you run out of your half-sari, remember that more the number of sexual partners, more the risk of contacting one of those STDs. Also, you already seem to be comfortable with your friend, something you might not be with other guys. And from Amma’s wide experience, no two chicken chettinads are the same. So while you may find someone who might be better than him, you might also run into someone who is far worse! So Amma advices you to talk to him, ask him to spice the rasam up, maybe introduce one more dosa or vada into the plate for some added fun. *winks* Macchi, there are a million ways to get creative in bed. Try them all out first. Maybe leave those bananas aside for a while and try some coconuts for a while, just to see if you actually prefer the later over the former. Amma always thought she was missing something until she went on a midnight stroll on the Kumarakom beach with her childhood friend, Lola Kutty! But if my macchi knows that she likes only the banana chips and talking and trying things with her friend are not helping, then write again, my love. Amma can set you up with one of her virile Kochi cousins instead!