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Q. We are friends from two years. I like her very much and now see also gave some sign that see also like me. So how can I propose her. Plz give me some suggessions.

Amma: First, my boy, can Amma tell you to pay a little more attention to your English? Or join one of those Rapidex English crash courses! You are very lucky that the girl already likes you (i.e. with your excellent command over language. You must be such a looker that she’s showing interest!) so half the job is done. As for asking her out, I think you should limit the number of words you should say to her, given your, er, disability. So just take her out someplace nice with candles and flowers and music and take the old school route – you like me, I like you, let’s go out?

Q. Amma my boyfriend wants me to have cyber sex with him, he wants me to strip in front of the web cam!!! I am shy, and he is annoyed with me. What should I do???

Amma: Aiyyo, my sweet-chocolate-covered coconut, I understand your dilemma! I know despite all the MMSs this generation makes, etc., it’s still largely nervous about phone sex and cyber sex and such likes. But there’s nothing wrong in being shy, girlie! Love means having to make compromises for each other, if one is ready for something before the other. Tell him you aren’t ready yet and maybe can do something else in exchange for him. If he’s still got his boxers in a twist, dump him. You are young and there are many more fish in the sea.

Q. Hello Amma, so I’m not sure about how I should deal with this. I’m a bisexual girl and I have been with women. My boyfriend never had a problem with that and all was great until he decided it was cool for him to swing both ways as well. I mean it’s sexy for women, but guys?!

Amma: Tch Tch. Amma wonders why this happens. I mean, it is quite understandable if you do not want your boyfriend to be in any other relationship other than the one he has with you (although Amma pioneered the concept of open relationships) but that does not seem to be the concern here! Kutty, homophobia is conceivable as long as the person in question is someone brazen enough to not understand the joys of being free of heterosexual constraints. And you aren’t that person, are you? If you want him to stop, look within you. Oh and as an aside, Amma thinks gay men are hot.

You can mail her your queries at [email protected].

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sex-amma1Is it advisable to have sex during periods? Will I get pregnant?

Sex during periods? Rama, rama! But it is so icky, no? And it’s only a few days in a month that you have to restrain those raging hormones of those yours… I remember I had to wait for weeks to unite with my beloved Unnikrishnan in the paddy fields, away from Appa’s prying eyes. Sigh. Those were the days… well, coming back to your question, I personally don’t advocate sex during periods, but to each his (or her) own. As for the second part of your query, there is no time of the month when you are completely free of a pregnancy risk, but it is true indeed that during your periods the risk is comparatively low. You should still use protection in any case. Better safe than pregnant, I always say!

Does masturbation cause erectile dysfunction? I think it’s becoming a habit with me. How do I get out of it?

So many queries about masturbation! I wonder when you young ones get time for your academics! Ah well, just me and my old thinking I suppose. Hmm. Masturbation is actually quite a healthy practice with absolutely no side effects. A little birdie even tells me that sperm is actually good for your skin! Birds and their twitterings aside, masturbation is definitely not the root cause of erectile dysfunction or any other sexual impairments. As to your worries that it’s becoming a habit, the only way to get out of it is to stop doing it. There is no rehab and all that, lovelies! You’ve just got to stop doing it!

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Is it okay for a 27-year-old and a 14-year-old to be together?

*jaw drops*. And NO! Aiyo rama rama, STOP THIS RELATIONSHIP. Does the 27year old even remember what it was like when he/she was 14! It’s the second concrete year in your “teenage” life and the mind is still developing. A 14 year old is a child and must be treated like one. Plus this could very well be against the law. Are you listening? It could be a potential crime; statutory rape if you have sex. Forget the legal aspect all together;I don’t even see how it is mutually possible for the two of you to actually be in this relationship. I’m sorry I’m being so blunt but this is the blatant truth. The relationship is nothing but harmful. I have to go meditate now to bring myself back to normality. And you two, whoever you are, stop scandalizing me!

Dear Ma’am

How to talk to a girl for students especially like me who are very low on confidence and what will be the girl’s reaction when i do approach her?

Basically I always think that today I will talk to a girl but my confidence does not build up, I think I do not have the guts to speak to a girl . Please I request you to give me some good suggestions regarding this as soon as possible I NEED IT.

Okay boy! Now even though all senders are kept anonymous, I cant help but mention, rather remind you that you are from SRCC. And ahem, every tom, dick or harry does not get to be a part of the most sought after college in Dehlhi Univerzity. The point here is that this simple fact should work wonders for your confidence. I mean if I were in your college, I would totally flaunt it in even the most random conversation with a boy. But that’s beside the point. What you need to be reminded of is that women are not beasts. They’re delicate harmless gifts of god and are your partners in the chain of being. So talking to them shouldn’t be a big deal at all. And you always have to remember that there are different categories of people around the university and no single category is in minority. In other words, you’ll find your kinds, in college, around college, on the metro station, in kamla nagar or even on the rick. Your kind could very well be one of those hep girls in D School too. Just talk to women (or people in general) and think that you’re no less than them. Force yourself into self-efficacy. Results are guaranteed and provide extraordinary satisfaction. *Wink wink*. Now your next mail should be details of your first date. Good luck boy! * Talking to herself* And what’s that cool sign? *now, getting back to you* Ya, \m/. Amma likes cool!!

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Q1: Amma, does kissing or licking a girl’s vagina equal having intercourse with her? Can it cause pregnancy?

ANS: Kids kids. I have to say this. Please send in your queries in a language, little more sophisticated. I mean sometimes I can’t help but picture an image in my mind which chokes my throat. Aiyo. And I am not going to entertain any mails sent to me asking me for my phone number, so please stop trying. I mean I am not used to being “hot property”. All i can tell you is that I just bought a new phone. It’s so expensive and I can’t even operate it properly yet. Tch tch. These technology leaps are just too much!!

Anyway, “kissing or licking a girl’s vagina” comes under something we call “oral sex” and THAT, my friends does not cause pregnancy. However I must warn you against having excessive oral sex because it can sometimes be a tad bit unhygienic, in fact more than a “tad bit” unhygienic. Hope that cleared up your misconceptions. Tchh kids these days ask the most ridiculous questions! Now have to move on to the next query. Namaskaram.

Q2: I have small problem. During intercourse I ejaculate very quickly. Can you suggest how I can stop that from happening? How can I prolong it? Looking forward to your reply

Ans: After the stupidity I’ve shown in answering the previous question, i think it is my duty now to sound intelligent and deal with a question of this “high” degree. Ahem ahem.

Now, Premature ejaculation is the most common of sexual problem in human males. It is, in fact, the default evolutionary norm. Delaying ejaculation has to be learned — it is an acquired skill. Pills like some anxiolytics do help, but dubious topical sprays and applications are a strict no-no. Even the pills ought only to be consumed through a prescription.

So there, another successful attempt of solving a query with utmost sophistication. I need a break now. An aromatic body massage and then I’m off to sleep. Bye bye till next time guys. Oh and “mwah mwah”!

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Ques: Does masturbation really lead to acne?

Ans:  Firztly, thaankyou HT city for that awezzome article that you wrote about me. I mean I always thought I was something for Page 3, but you people are so nice you put me on that first page without my paying you any money. How nice! I’m toadily touched! I have to tell you the truth, the number of questions I have been getting since then has shot up so much that now I have to buy a blackberry and dedicate all my time to DU Beat. No time for private counseling. I feel like such a celebrity now that employing one or two juniors doesn’t seem like a bad idea.

Anyway, I have to say, the number of doubts you kids have about masturbation is totally mind boggling. People never used to be so curious about the practice before. But it’s very impressive that this generation has an extraordinary eye for detail. *winking to self*.

And yes, masturbation DOES lead to acne. That’s not the sole reason for acne, but the body of the teenager who masturbates is home to excessive hormone production, which is a cause for acne. Very few teenagers who masturbate don’t have acne.

I’ll put little bit of my hindi these DUB people taught me to use. I’d say, KUJH PAANE KE LIE KUJH KONA TOH PADTA HAI!!!

Ques: How can I attract some girl in my campus to have sex with me? Just a one night stand I am sure you understand!

Ans: If the person who has sent in this question is listening, I am utterly disgusted with your thinking. You might think sex amma is “chill”, but this, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! See kids, I agree that at this age, all we try and look out for is “fun”, but my theories tell me to have fun only when you’re understand what you are doing. I’ll explain. In a situation where both the man and the woman (because I’m assuming all of you are of age enough to be called that), arrive at a consensus and none has a problem, there is nothing wrong with what I hate calling a “one-night stand”. However, fooling someone into one is a BAD BAD thing to do. *nods head*. I mean it might not bother you right away and give you satisfaction and pleasure that matches none, but when you’re lying at your death bed, this one thing will come to your mind and flood you with guilt. Let’s not even bring you to your death bed. Remain in that very “one-night stand” bed of yours and imagine being THE FOOL. Imagine the feeling of being tricked into something. I still declare that I’m broad-minded and all that jazz, but this is something I strongly detest! I don’t want young men floating in the campus thinking about attracting “some girl” to have sex. Besides, no kind of research gives out a strategy to have a “one-night stand”. So sorry, Sex Amma can’t be of any help here! *wicked smile*

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Q) A girl in my class has suddenly started acting weird around me. She’s very touchy-feely and keeps saying bizarre things that make me very uncomfortable. I think she has a crush on me… how do I make her understand that I’m not “that” type without being rude? Oh, I’m female myself, by the way.

A) Ah, the perils of being attractive…sigh. I feel you, little one (and no pun at all intended, no no!) In my time it was just the boys but what with section 377 being repealed and all, this is just going to be doubly hard for you young ones!

Hmm, now to your problem. It is a tricky situation to land yourself into. Try making your sexuality clear with subtle hints like gushing over the college hottie – the MALE hottie, mind you! If her affections see no trace of ebbing even after that, you should gently tell her that you would prefer a little less of physical contact. In case that doesn’t work too, then, my dear, there are but two options. Either you tell her on her face without mincing words that you are not interested in her, or get a boyfriend! But word of advice – before you take any extreme steps, do make sure that the poor girl is actually “that type” as you put it and not just an unassuming, over-friendly soul.

Q) I have an absolutely gorgeous cousin and I’ve lately started developing feelings for her. But I’m so scared to act on them because she’s a relation and all… What to do?

A) Aiyyo. Feelings for cousins is not a very good thing, rama rama! For one, if you start a relationship with her and eventually it turns out all wrong, things could get very awkward for both you in the future because you are bound to keep bumping into each other at all family gatherings. Also, I don’t know about your family, but usually a lot of parents wouldn’t encourage inter-family love-shuv so everything will have to be done with the utmost secrecy which can get pretty taxing, my dear. If your feelings for said cousin are particularly strong and you really think being with her is worth taking all the above-mentioned risks however, I suppose you should go for it and talk it out with her. If she feels the same, well and good. But if not, take it with a pinch of salt and save those feelings of yours for the next gorgeous girl you meet (preferably outside the family this time!) All the best!

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