Dear Amma, I have been in a relationship with my man roughly for two years now and I really want to try erotic spanking with him but, I just do not know how to convey it to him. I have a fear of making him feel grossed out or getting judged as a masochist. What shall I do Amma?

Oh my dear idli,

Amma also in her days of youth with her hormones raging like boiling sambhar felt an urge to try everything. Coming out from the chachh of nostalgia, my little macchhi, first of all, calm down.I want to assure you that there is nothing to feel grossed out regarding your desire. My spicy idli, spanking can range from being something fun and flirty to being severe and painful. Your choice completely depends on what fits best for you and your Vada.

Now, coming to your issue of conveying it to your vada, see idli just like in every other sexual activity, consent of both the partners is the most important. Do not be afraid to open up to your lover, remind yourself it’s just him, be honest and open about everything you have in your mind. Try creatinga spicy mood and then proceed by asking about his wildest fantasies, and then slowly and gradually reveal yours. Who knows, he might replace the common coconut chutney with the same tangy tamarind. But keep one thing in mind, if he snorts his nose or wrinkles his forehead or you smell any kind of judgmental vibe after revealing your true self, then let me tell you idli, your Vada is not as crisp as you think it is.

Another thing you should keep in mind is machhi, that if anywhere in between you think the pain, instead of giving you pleasure is inflicting tension and depriving you of your comfort, don’t shy away from stopping your partner then and there. So, enough of information, now go ahead and let the spanks add spices to your sambhar making it taste the Heaven and don’t forget to tell the entire tale to your Amma.

(Write to Sex Amma at sexamma@ dubeat.com to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

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Dear Amma,

My partner and I are trying to spice up our relationship and not just with the ‘25 way to spice up your sex life’. We want more than vanilla sex, they want to try BDSM, I am pretty apprehensive about how it works, should I still give it a try? 

My dearest Macchi,

You have come to the right place, your Amma loves to give a try to everything interesting in life, consensually. BDSM or  Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism is an umbrella term for different types of kinks. You might have watched 50 Shades of Grey, even though it portrays BDSM in a different light, yet brings a lot of limelight along. Remember, before any perfect dosa making, the batter has to be rightly made, BDSM is just experimenting with the perfect dosa making recipe keeping in mind that everyone likes it. 

Idli, BDSM runs on a very consensual, non-judgemental and respectful ground. My favourite word is chutney, so diverse and spicy, you should have a favourite word too as a safe word to let your partner know what is not working for you. The entire point of BDSM is seeking-pleasure, words like Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism might make you feel more apprehensive. Everyone has different kinks, some might like choking, for some spanking, others might be into flagellating, whips, chains and clamps.

However, it is important that you trust your partner whole-heartedly. Idli-Sambhar, it  should be rightfully discussed and flavoured meeting both of your hunger and preferences. After-care is an essential part where both of you talk about it and discuss whether the salt was of the right amount or not. Many might find some of the acts demeaning or disrespectful like Amma’s friends do of Amma’s kinks. Remember idli, all kinks must be respected; some like their sambhar extra spicy, some like it mild. There shouldn’t be any shame in being a Sub (the one who is submissive), Dom (the one who is dominant), or a Switch (one who switches between both receiving and giving). There are rooms for exploring oneself called playrooms (as Grey called) or dungeons, where one can indulge in safe, sane and consensual sex. 

All of this might sound too heavy; inflicting pain as pleasure, varied kinks, dungeons, however, it is important to know what both (or all) of you like. Establishing a safe space is crucial, all the more relevant in a kink which involves humiliation. Macchi, don’t overthink, fret or feel scared; read, research, know what both of your favourite dishes are and dive in!

Remember, everything has a first time and write back to Amma on how you liked it or not. 

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma
[email protected]


Sex Education, a comedy-drama series, came out with its second season on the 17th of January, 2020, on Netflix. The new season has shed light upon topics that parents prefer not to talk about with their children.

The show essentially revolves around the life of a teenager, Otis, who goes on to follow the footsteps of his mother, who is a sex therapist. From the partial knowledge he gained from her, Otis starts an underground sex therapy business with Maeve in school. Otis, being a teenager himself, gives ‘expert’ advice to other curious students who are on a quest to explore their sexual identities.

The series became a widely watched show in about no time because the producers have touched upon those issues that people shy away from. Along with the development in its plot, the new season went on to use humour and love to carefully bring forth these issues for the audience.

Sex Education has played a huge role in normalizing homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality and asexuality as well. The show may be about a boy but the girls are the ones who stand out. Also, another topic that has been addressed here is unwanted sexual contact. Aimee, a friend of Maeve, gets sexually assaulted on the bus while on her way to school. Aimee, after the incident, gets highly disturbed and refuses to board the bus until Maeve, Lily, Ola, and Olivia decide to accompany her.

The writers of the show also expressed the significance of consent through a few glimpses. By taking the example of Maeve and her mother, the show also took a turn and focused on faulty parenting. Jackson, an extraordinary swimmer, embarks on a new journey to discover where his interests truly lie, after experiencing poor mental health and indulging in self-harm.

Aditi Gutgutia, a student of Lady Shri Ram College, said, “Season 2 had fallen more towards a cliché high school drama and was highly predictable, which was somehow disappointing, but on the other hand, the added depth to some of the characters was admirable.”

The addressed issues in the show needed to be brought forth because they are often overlooked by the people. The writers have done a fairly commendable job by tackling these issues with love.

Image credits- Newsweek

Suhani Malhotra

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Dear Amma,

In my 19 years of life, I haven’t really had sexual feelings for anyone. I don’t even feel like being particularly romantic with anyone. Does this make me incapable of love?


Dear Macchi

First of all, what you’re feeling right now is perfectly normal and it definitely does not make you incapable of love. It isn’t necessary for you to be sexually or even romantically attracted towards anyone. I hope you’re acquainted with the concept of “Asexuality”. It is a sexual orientation which basically signifies a lack of sexual attraction towards others. Within this asexuality spectrum fall the “aromantics” or “aros”. An aro refers to any individual who experiences little or no romantic attraction.

Now that I have familiarised you to these sexual identities, let us come back to your problem. Not being able to feel sexually or romantically for another individual doesn’t mean you cannot love them at all. We all feel platonic and familial love for those who really matter to us, be it our friends or our family.

I understand, my little idli, that when you look around at people falling in love, it might appear all beautiful and delightful. You may feel afraid or worried that you may never experience that happiness and might just feel a little left out. But I want you to understand that romantic love isn’t everything. It is often considered that romantic love is a level following platonic love. But, I believe they’re just two different kinds of love that are equally powerful in their respective spectrums.

So instead of viewing romance as something better than platonic love, try perceiving the two as equal. Try channeling your energy, that one would put into a romantic relationship, towards your platonic relationships. Embrace your friendships, dear chutney, and love your friends with the power they deserve. Because at the end of the day, love is love, be it someone you have sex with or someone who had sex and came to you first to talk about it.

I will leave you with my final suggestion. Try to not box yourself under any one identity. Feel free to explore and do not shy away from new experiences. After all, life is short and love is for everyone!

Sex Amma

[email protected] 

The act of making love (or making babies), maybe that’s how we explain the three-letter word that is SEX. Sex, an activity that gives comfort to some and discomfort to some others when talked out loud.


In retrospect, my nimble pre-high school mind was told by a couple of so-called “corrupted” friends that sex is basically, “jab bade log nude hoke pyaar karte hai“. The image of a man and a woman, hugging passionately bare naked and kissing each other. That’s it. Nothing much but still more raunchy than Bollywood songs showing scenes of flower pollination back in the 90s.


Again, I could never think that anyone other than a societal pair of a man and woman would engage in this lovemaking because I of course, didn’t know same-sex couples could exist. It’s a shame that my generation was introduced first to cuss words like “faggot” before terms like LGBTQ.


Anyway, this whole sex thing just sparked a slow-burning fire of curiosity in me, rather than lust or infatuation. Still, that was early childhood, age of being satisfied with whatever my normal happy middle-class life offered me, rather than craving for more. I was happy enough to see a bikini-clad model on a misogynistic page of Delhi Times or a late-night telecast of FTV. I, of course, used to feel guilty about viewing such stuff and being pleased about it.


I used to feel the same guilt after I started masturbating a few years later. Maybe, we all share that guilt at one point or the other. And this is the tale of my normal sexual awakening. I’ve had friends who faced other kinds of guilt. One of my 10th-grade friends felt guilty that he started fantasising about male celebrities just like how the majority of the boys in my class were busy lusting on the female ones. Another of my 10th-grade friends felt guilty on masturbating itself, as she felt masturbation is a taboo for girls.


And such guilts exist mostly when society starts getting prude. It’s this prudeness that we need to remove, in order to normalise sex, sexuality and sex education.


Of course, this does not imply for all the kiddies; they should have their own time and space to explore their body and traditionally, giving sex education might seem like you’re telling them “18+ stuff”. The problem is with this concept itself. Sex education isn’t always “18+ stuff” that’s to be hushed when the kid is young. We are talking about a normal physical activity, not a pornographic fantasy.


Apart from the inner workings of the body, we should all be educated well on how normal an occurrence is sex. In certain societies of this country, we look at sex as something very special and maybe the whole specialness takes away the normalcy. It’s then when sex begins to be seen as something abnormal, a taboo.


These days, the kids are getting smarter and smarter. They won’t be fooled if you tell them that babies fall from the sky or any one of those tales. Before they enter adulthood, they must be educated in bad touch, consent and the very fact that sex is normal.


They’re to be told that it’s normal for any gender to make love with each other. And just like any normal collective decision that we take in our normal life, we need to ask too. You call up someone for a party; you ask him or her. You choose a college course; you ask your parents (although ideally, you should just ask yourself). Similarly, it’s perfectly normal if you want to get productive in this reproductive task but ASK FIRST. And this should be one of the basic tenets of Sex Ed for any layperson.


Consent is something which should be kept in mind even if you are naked with your lover. A friend of mine told me how she knew this man who was having sex with his lady, putting a condom on and then suddenly stopped mid-way, removed the condom and resumed entering her. It shocked me how the chap didn’t even ask his partner before engaging in raw love making. Sex isn’t a one-person act; therefore, just considering the opinions of one person in a sexual union is a real “dick move”.


To put it in a nutshell, educating a youngling on sex focusses less on how to do it but more on what to do before you do it. If sex is something that adults do, then better grow up when you do it. Your bed should be thought of more as a sensual space of consent and being content for making love rather than a set-piece for making hardcore porn.


So, this was my story of how my mind opened up to sex and everything associated with it because you see, it’s not just the reproductive parts that should be involved in this act but also your productive mind!


Featured Image Credits: Salt n Peppa

Shaurya Singh Thapa

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Dear Amma, I’m gay, and I recently started dating a classmate. We plan on having sex, but I feel scared and insecure. He is my first boyfriend, and I don’t want anything to go wrong while we have sex. Help me, Amma!
Dear Idli, congratulations on coming out to the world.

Amma knows that it is a big step which requires loads and loads of courage. I am glad you have embraced your identity, vada. Munchkin, I want you to know that sexuality is fluid. You have an ocean that awaits you, there is so much about sexuality and desire that you will explore. It will be a beautiful journey – there will be times where you will get hurt, your expectations might not be met, you might even embarrass yourself in front of your partner, but my appam, it is how you will grow.

You will learn what you like, and don’t like, through these experiences. Don’t restrain yourself. The first time can be intimidating but it doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’. Now, Idli, always use condoms if you’re hooking up with a person with a penis, and dental dams if it is a person with a vagina. Make sure you use loads and loads of lube if you’re planning on penetration.
Ask your partner what they like and don’t like. Lay down your boundaries, use safe-words. Your Amma is telling you, consent is sexy! Ask your partner if they like what you are doing. You never know where foreplay could lead you, and if you plan on exploring something a little kinkier, tell them about it! Munchkin, remember sexual health is important, too. Always pee after sex to prevent the risk of getting urinary tract infections and get tested every three months for sexually transmitted diseases.

While Amma understands that it might be hard to find queer-friendly doctors, but please get tested for HIV-AIDS as well, and ask about the HPV vaccine. Remember, my vada, sex is what you define it as, not how the world defines it for you. Now go out and get it!
(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

[email protected]

Some people don’t like sex. No, they aren’t prudes or celibates, they are the asexuals.


Come 2019, slowly and steadily we are accepting sexualities. More countries are accepting queer identities legally and dating sites are offering exclusive options for the queer community. Within all the umbrella of LGBTQIA, the alphabet that gets the least attention is A. It’s A for asexuality. The term is simple yet complex. Asexuals, or ace/aro as they are popularly called, lack sexual attraction towards others. Several researchers, undertaken by big names like Alfred Kinsey, Anthony Bogaert, Simon LeVay’, and KJ Cerankowski, have shown that around one per cent of the human population identifies as asexual.

Many people seem to think that those do identify as ace only do so because they are prudes or have repressed their urges as a result of some trauma. All of these assumptions are not true. Perfectly healthy people with no psychological baggage can also naturally not feel the same sexual and romantic attractions as others. Also, unlike celibacy, asexuality is not a choice.

Within asexuality, there are many subdivisions. Demisexuals, that come under the umbrella of asexuality, do feel sexual attraction but only once when they have formed a strong emotional connection with someone. According to Asexual Visibility and Education Network, the world’s largest online asexual community, “A person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person’s looks or clothes, while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.”

It’s also important to know that no two aces are alike. Some asexuals masturbate, as they have s sex drive which they do not want to direct this towards others.

One reason why asexuality is often absent from our conversation is due to the fact that they have almost absent representation in popular media.

In 2016, Archie comics revealed that Jughead as an asexual. However, the makers of Riverdale, a Netflix show based on Archie comics, showed him as otherwise. Many people from the ace community have called this a ruined opportunity for representation.

Cole Sprouse, the actor who plays Jughead in Riverdale has called for Jughead to be represented as asexual.  While the cases of ace absence and even erasure are common, shows like BoJack Horseman have main leads as asexuals. In the shows’ fourth season Todd Chavez says, “It actually feels nice to actually say it out loud. I am an asexual person. It feels good to talk about it.”

Todd Phillips, the director of the Hangover series has mentioned in interviews that Alan Garner, one of the protagonists of the internally acclaimed franchise, is an asexual.

In traditional societies, like India, not having sexual relations doesn’t pose a problem, at least till you cross the typical marriage age. Besides, little or no honest conversations around sex and limited opportunities to form any sexual relations leave us thinking that lack of experience or inherited guilt surrounding promiscuity is causing asexuality. But an ace person can be very aware of nuances of sex, have the freedom to intercourse, even enjoy watching porn, and yet refrain from engaging any sexual activity with other people.

As weird or against the rules of evolution, it may sound, that’s how aces swing (or don’t swing). You can choose to debate on the authenticity of the label, but as of now, the label is helping several around the world explain, identify, and accept themselves.


Featured Image credits- Netflix


Niharika Dabral

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The coming of Indian Web Series in the market has sure created a buzz by talking about things never discussed before. This comes with both positive as well as negative effects.

The ever-growing popularity of internet has led to the increase in the viewership of visual content. Several applications have been created in the recent times to cater to the market of visual media. The emergence of web series, in this respect, is perhaps the most prominent effect time has had on visual media. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hotstar, etc, have also stepped into the field of creating content rather than just distributing; several Indian channels have also taken the form of applications or apps as we know them.

Since the internet offers a greater audience than any other mode of communication in today’s time, makers have also stepped into the field of creating content for the internet (various apps included). Indian web series have stemmed out, as a result; as a river for the sea of already existing content online. Interestingly, they are stepping away from the standards set by the daily soap opera culture. Western values hav a lot to do with this, of course, but the consequences are both positive and negative.

A second year student from SGTB Khalsa College says, “Nudity in Indian web series has been made possible, courtesy western drama. With them being open about these things, they are not a taboo completely by themselves. Same goes with the use of profanity.” It is true that the way sex is shown in the web series being made in India is a lot different than the way it is hushed about in the soap operas and that it is an effect of the western shows that are relatively open about such things. The release of Sacred Games (on Netflix) took the audience by surprise initially by its presentation of profanity and promiscuity. With the typical Anurag Kashyap lingo, Sacred Games created a huge buzz among the viewers. Shows like Criminal Justice (on Hotstar) or Delhi Crime (on Netflix) have resorted to showing the dark side of law and justice.

Series like Made in Heaven and Four More Shots Please (on Amazon Prime) have even taken up the issues of the LGBTQ community. But where these web shows have taken a positive turn into the tricky road of revolutionising the industry and creating a market of their own through presenting things that were not previously even considered to be presentable, they are also, in some ways, misrepresenting or wrongly showing the actuality of things. A third year student from Jesus and Mary College says, “I think Indian shows generally confuse ‘progressive thinking’ with sexual promiscuity and functional alcoholism which appears to be just the case nowadays.”

Where it should be duly acknowledged that we, as a society, lack even minimal formal sex education, it should also be realised that the accessibility of sexual content by young people may have more harmful consequences than one might expect. The way an immature mind perceives such sensitive issues can be easily measured by the number of minors participating in the act of raping girls and women on a daily basis. Therefore, though it is important to talk and represent the concerns regarding issues of sex, sexuality, alcohol, etc, it is also equally important to focus on the how(s), when(s) and why(s).  

Feature Image Credits : NDTV

Akshada Shrotriya

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Sex Education, the word itself brings along with it a secretive and weird ring in our society. However, this image is slowly changing as we are moving towards educating of all. So, how does Islam, one of the so called/thought to be conservative religions deal with the same subject?

For the longest time, the thought, idea and any discussion about sex has been ushered to be disrespectful and taboo. It took a lot of time for the country as a whole to finally come to terms with being able to freely talk about it. Yet religions have still called it and barricaded it by calling it as inviolable. One such religion or actually should I say the so-called preachers of such religion are the Islamic priests. For the longest time, it was said, preached and believed that sex was only a reproductive act done to carry forward the species, and the thoughts of protections and contraceptives have been and still in some place are rejected by a lot of people misguided by false preachings.

It wasn’t until Al Azhar Islamic university of Cairo researched and found out that condoms and other similar form of contraceptives aren’t banned in the religion of Islam and it was just a false hoax created around it by those with different views. One of the few banned things were abortions and that too is allowed in some medically required cases.

‘The wrong media coverages and false preaching have been behind Islam being thought to be a highly conservative and strict religion, however it is a very understanding religion’ is what one of the faculty members had to say about the issue. This marked one of the first steps into sexual education and sexual care being given importance in this religion and by its preachers.

Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Mohammed, Muslim men and women were encouraged not to shy away from asking any question, including those related to private affairs such as sexual life, it has been changed into a taboo subject. We as responsible citizens and any responsible Muslim need to focus on finding out the reasoning and correction in each statement. Questioning is a right and knowledge is lauded. So, why should this also not be discussed?

A famous saying of the Prophet goes like “Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their Modesty did not stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion” (Bukhari and the Muslim).

Everyone has the right to gather knowledge especially sexual, as it is also a part of wellbeing. In our educated world, even Islam and those of stringent beliefs have started to see the path of light into this subject and openly started talking about sex and its other aspects.

Featured Image credits- Windsor Star

Haris Khan
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Sex Amma answers your questions about hookups and complications with sheer humour and wit.
Dear Amma, sex has always been a big deal for me. This mindset stops me from engaging in casual sex, but my friends get so much action and that makes me curious. Should I wait it out or am I being a prude?

My dear Macchi, whether sex is casual or serious, it entirely depends on how you feel about it. Fortunately, there is no universal definition of the meaning behind sex. It has a meaning if you want it to have meaning, and it has no meaning if you don’t want it to. My munchkin, Amma in her youth had many escapades, some with emotional sentiments attached, and some without. It is for you to figure out what you want. Remember, whether sex is meaningful or meaningless, also depends on whom you are with and whether you want it to be like that or not.
My dearest Idli, when was the last time you sat down and asked yourself what physical intimacy means to you? Without introspection, you will never be able to form well-developed ideas on the subject. You may not find all your answers in one go – and that is the point, Macchi. You are young, after all, and you have time to think it through and figure it out at your own pace. Some of your classmates and close friends must have a highly active sex life (kids these days are at it like rabbits! They give yesteryear’s Amma some serious competition). This should not influence your decision on whether you engage in casual sex or not.
My dear, keep in mind that all of us like our Sambar differently (I prefer mine to be tangier and saucier). If there can be such variation in Sambar preferences, you can only imagine how varied and vivid people’s opinions and preferences about sex would be. It will take a lot of self-reflection and an honest, open conversation with yourself for you to understand whether casual sex is your cup of tea (or bowl of Rasam). In terms of jumping into bed, Amma will give you one more nugget of advice, “when in doubt, wait it out”. If something feels wrong or makes you anxious, that is when you know, my Idli, that it isn’t going well and it’s time to think again.
If and when you realise that you can engage in casual sex, Amma would like to wish you luck. Go and get that Dosa, my precious little Idli!
Sex Amma [email protected]
(Write to Sex Amma at sexamma@dubeat. com to find answers to your sexual queries.)