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Sex Amma: Introduction to BDSM

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Dear Amma,

My partner and I are trying to spice up our relationship and not just with the ‘25 way to spice up your sex life’. We want more than vanilla sex, they want to try BDSM, I am pretty apprehensive about how it works, should I still give it a try? 

My dearest Macchi,

You have come to the right place, your Amma loves to give a try to everything interesting in life, consensually. BDSM or  Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism is an umbrella term for different types of kinks. You might have watched 50 Shades of Grey, even though it portrays BDSM in a different light, yet brings a lot of limelight along. Remember, before any perfect dosa making, the batter has to be rightly made, BDSM is just experimenting with the perfect dosa making recipe keeping in mind that everyone likes it. 

Idli, BDSM runs on a very consensual, non-judgemental and respectful ground. My favourite word is chutney, so diverse and spicy, you should have a favourite word too as a safe word to let your partner know what is not working for you. The entire point of BDSM is seeking-pleasure, words like Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism might make you feel more apprehensive. Everyone has different kinks, some might like choking, for some spanking, others might be into flagellating, whips, chains and clamps.

However, it is important that you trust your partner whole-heartedly. Idli-Sambhar, it  should be rightfully discussed and flavoured meeting both of your hunger and preferences. After-care is an essential part where both of you talk about it and discuss whether the salt was of the right amount or not. Many might find some of the acts demeaning or disrespectful like Amma’s friends do of Amma’s kinks. Remember idli, all kinks must be respected; some like their sambhar extra spicy, some like it mild. There shouldn’t be any shame in being a Sub (the one who is submissive), Dom (the one who is dominant), or a Switch (one who switches between both receiving and giving). There are rooms for exploring oneself called playrooms (as Grey called) or dungeons, where one can indulge in safe, sane and consensual sex. 

All of this might sound too heavy; inflicting pain as pleasure, varied kinks, dungeons, however, it is important to know what both (or all) of you like. Establishing a safe space is crucial, all the more relevant in a kink which involves humiliation. Macchi, don’t overthink, fret or feel scared; read, research, know what both of your favourite dishes are and dive in!

Remember, everything has a first time and write back to Amma on how you liked it or not. 

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma
[email protected]

 

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Sex Amma: The First Time

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Dear Amma, I wanted to save having sex for a special occasion because it feels too special of an activity, while my partner feels we should do it as soon as possible. What do I do?

Dear idli, sex is built on one thing and that is communication. The first thing you and your partner should do for this act of dosa-making to go smoothly is to communicate. Sexual intercourse is an intimate act. In your Amma’s days, she also had a lot of thoughts about it. While people’s opinions on it differ, what remains a fact is that it involves a lot of intimacy and trust. The first thing you need to think about is whether you are ready for, and consensual towards, dosa-making or not.

Some people attach emotions to this act, and that is okay. Some people do not attach emotions to this act, and that is okay too. Yours and your partner’s perception of it can be different, and that is okay. Your partner not attaching any particular emotions to it doesn’t mean he likes you any less, and vice versa. Your partner just needs to respect your emotions and choices, and you need to freely communicate your inhibitions to them. It all boils down to two things – communication and trust. The first step of making the sambhar is trust – decide whether you trust them enough. The next step is communication – communicate with your partner about your feelings regarding sex and listen to what they have to say too. The two of you can then come to a mutually beneficial conclusion based on both your feelings. If they are not willing to listen and understand your choices, then you need to reconsider your relationship. My dear, if you can freely communicate with them without any hesitation and have trust in them, then that is all that matters. Go for it only when you feel you are ready, not when someone tries to pressurise you into it. Go make some fun, spicy sambhar with them, if you want to (and always use protection). But if you don’t feel like it, then you can always make your own spicy sambhar with your own body, without a partner who doesn’t respect your consent.

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

[email protected]

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Arts & Culture

Sex Amma on when it’s Time

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Dear Amma, I wanted to save having sex for a special occasion because it feels like too special of an activity while my partner feels we should do it as soon as possible. What do I do?

Dear idli, sex is built on one thing and that is communication. The first thing you and your partner should do for this act of dosa-making to go smoothly is communicate.

Sexual intercourse is an intimate act. In your amma’s days, she also had a lot of thoughts about it. While people’s opinions on it differ, what remains a fact is that it involves a lot of intimacy and trust. The first thing you need to think about is whether you are ready for dosa-making or not.

Some people attach emotions to this act and that is okay. Some people do not attach emotions to this act and that is okay too. You and your partner’s perception of it can be different and that is okay. Your partner not attaching any particular emotions to it doesn’t mean they like you any less and vice versa. Your partner just needs to respect your emotions and choices and vice versa.

It all boils down to two things- communication and trust.

The first step of making the sambhar is trust- Decide whether you trust them enough. The next step is communication- communicate with your partner about your feelings regarding sex and listen to what they have to say too. The two of you can then come to a mutually beneficial conclusion based on both your feelings. If they aren’t willing to listen and understand your choices, then you need to reconsider your relationship.

My dear, if you can freely communicate with them without any hesitation and have trust in them, then that is all that matters. Go for it only when you feel you’re ready.

Go make fun spicy sambhar with them and be sure to always stay protected!

 

Sex Amma

[email protected]

 

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Sex Amma: Aids to prevent AIDS

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Dear Munchkins

 

Many of you little idlis like to  “canoodle” around with your special chutneys, or maybe even with some random dosas so as to spice up your thaalis. I would be lying if I said I don’t enjoy a little bit of mirchi myself. Yet, today, on World AIDS Day, I feel it an obligation to prime you all about this ravaging pandemic so as to ensure your safety.

 

Did you know, around 37.9 million people across the world are living with AIDS? Within India itself we have around 2.1 million diagnosed patients. It is not an uncommon disease, implying that all you little vadas need to be extremely careful and cautious while having sex. It is important to note that HIV does not spread through bodily contacts such as handshakes, or hugs. It is spread only in certain body fluids from a person who has HIV. These fluids are blood, semen, pre-seminal fluids, rectal fluids, vaginal fluids, and breast milk.

 

All you lovely uttapams must watch out for signs and symptoms of the virus. The first few weeks after initial infection, one may experience no symptoms or an influenza-like illness including fever, headache, rash, or sore throat. As the infection progresses, one can develop other signs and symptoms, such as swollen lymph nodes, weight loss, fever, diarrhoea and cough.

 

In such cases, little idlis, you must get tested and treated for sexually transmitted diseases. Having an STD can increase your risk of becoming infected with HIV or spreading it to others. The most imperative and obvious measure to be taken is the use of contraceptives. It is crucial that you have healthy communication with your sexual partners. If either is HIV positive, taking regular medication can reduce the amount of the virus in the body to an undetectable level. People with HIV who maintain an undetectable viral load have effectively no risk of transmitting HIV to their HIV-negative partner through sex.

 

Other points to note so as to reduce the risk of getting HIV is avoiding risky sexual behaviours and limiting the number of sexual partners. Another common source of the spread is sharing needles or syringes that may be contaminated with HIV infected blood.

 

Though HIV is not a curable disease, timely treatments and correct medication can prevent its spread and allow the patients to live longer healthier lives. Today is an opportunity for all of us to unite in the fight against HIV, to show support for people living with HIV, and to commemorate those who have died from an AIDS-related illness. It is high time we end this taboo and stand together as one!

 

Stay safe, my sweet jalebis, and happy sex!

 

 

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Sex Amma: On the Mystery of Same-Sex Love

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Dear Amma, I’m gay, and I recently started dating a classmate. We plan on having sex, but I feel scared and insecure. He is my first boyfriend, and I don’t want anything to go wrong while we have sex. Help me, Amma!
Dear Idli, congratulations on coming out to the world.

Amma knows that it is a big step which requires loads and loads of courage. I am glad you have embraced your identity, vada. Munchkin, I want you to know that sexuality is fluid. You have an ocean that awaits you, there is so much about sexuality and desire that you will explore. It will be a beautiful journey – there will be times where you will get hurt, your expectations might not be met, you might even embarrass yourself in front of your partner, but my appam, it is how you will grow.

You will learn what you like, and don’t like, through these experiences. Don’t restrain yourself. The first time can be intimidating but it doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’. Now, Idli, always use condoms if you’re hooking up with a person with a penis, and dental dams if it is a person with a vagina. Make sure you use loads and loads of lube if you’re planning on penetration.
Ask your partner what they like and don’t like. Lay down your boundaries, use safe-words. Your Amma is telling you, consent is sexy! Ask your partner if they like what you are doing. You never know where foreplay could lead you, and if you plan on exploring something a little kinkier, tell them about it! Munchkin, remember sexual health is important, too. Always pee after sex to prevent the risk of getting urinary tract infections and get tested every three months for sexually transmitted diseases.

While Amma understands that it might be hard to find queer-friendly doctors, but please get tested for HIV-AIDS as well, and ask about the HPV vaccine. Remember, my vada, sex is what you define it as, not how the world defines it for you. Now go out and get it!
(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

[email protected]

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Sex Amma: On Understanding Sexuality

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Dear Amma,

Over the past couple of years, I have made out with a bunch of guys but I have never really enjoyed the experience. I also know for a fact that I’m not attracted to girls. Does this mean I’m asexual?

Dear Macchi,

I understand your troubles of not enjoying the experience of kissing someone, but that alone is not sufficient to coin yourself as “asexual”. It is perfectly normal to feel this way and it does not amount as an argument to any conclusion. I myself have had my fair share of lousy kisses, but you don’t think I’m at all asexual, do you?

Little idli, very often it is possible that the reason one doesn’t enjoy kissing someone is due to lack of an emotional connect. Kissing, sometimes, may be the onset of a very romantic relationship between two people, which is why without such romance, kissing becomes less enjoyable. This is often seen among demisexuals. You must think about how you feel about these guys emotionally, romantically, and my dear dosa, physically. But remember, my chutney, love doesn’t necessarily involve physical proximity. Many couples share perfectly healthy, romantic relationships without any physical involvement.

Kissing, in Amma‘s opinion, is very subjective to the person you’re with. The guy may be highly attractive and charming and yet be a sloppy kisser, which, my jalebi, can be a huge turn off! You need to figure out how you wish to be kissed.

Asexuality, my chutney, is the lack of sexual attraction towards anyone. It does not, however, indicate a lack of romantic attraction, for instance in the case of a biromantic asexual. There are many elements that make up one’s sexual identity. Asexuality or sexuality isn’t black and white. It’s an entire grey area; there aren’t only 50 Shades of Grey, you know? One may feel closer towards being asexual than most sexual people. They are often called grey-sexual.

So you see, my uttapam, it is not easy, or even necessary, I feel, to box yourself under one identity. You may be a biromantic or demisexual, but at the end of the day, you need to decide how a person makes you feel and just go with your instincts. How we are physically or romantically attracted to someone may be understood over time through experience. Try to step out of the bubble of a single identity and allow your mind to be free. Do what makes you feel right. Even if there is no sexual attraction, there is nothing wrong with it, as I mentioned before. If you don’t enjoy kissing someone, then you don’t kiss that someone. It’s your choice what you decide your sexuality to be. Just respect your attraction or lack thereof. All the best in your future encounters of spilling some hot sambhar, or not spilling it.

 

 

 

 

 

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Sex Amma: The First Moment

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I am a 20-year-old guy. I have had some relationships in the past but I haven’t kissed or made out with anyone. Recently I met a girl who is now my girlfriend. I was glad to share the magical moment with her. However, it wasn’t what I expected. Is there something wrong with me, Amma? Please help!”

My dear dosa,
Amma would like to congratulate you for finding a lovely kulfi for yourself. The magic of the first time is highly anticipated by young ones. The idea of manifesting all your fantasies and dreams at once, in the first time itself; that is a surreal expectation per se.
The ‘first time’ is highly romanticised even in pop culture, which Amma does not really approve of. Amma has always advocated the liberty of love, but due to this glamorisation of this beautiful emotion, her macchas and macchis have been put under a tremendous amount of pressure.
First times are mostly clumsy, uncomfortable, and even off-putting. But that is just how you derive your true feelings, my falooda. It is through these ‘first times’ that we become closer friends and better companions.

So love on, my little sugarcane. Do not despair if the first time is not the best, because no matter what it is, you will always remember it as a beautiful memory. But Amma would again emphasise, do not disgrace love by acting on infatuation desperately. Make sure your idli is comfortable with sharing this moment with you, that she understands that you can’t be perfect the first time. Remember what Amma says: consent is the key to a macchi’s heart. Follow your heart, my poli. Amma wishes you the best.
Sex Amma
[email protected]

(Write to Sex Amma at sexamma@ dubeaTt.com to get all your queries about sex answered.)

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Sex Amma: On Dating Younger Men

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“I am in the final-year of college, and there is a junior (first-year) whom I’ve liked for a while. A few days ago at a party, he also came up to me and said he liked me and we made out. He is very interested and has asked me out on a date, but I have my doubts of being in a relationship with a boy younger than me. What should I do?”

Amma can understand what your troubles are, my little idli. People create this unnecessary stereotype that, in a relationship, the man has to be older and dominant while the girl should always be younger and submissive, which doesn’t make any sense.

I feel that a healthy relationship where both are equals. First, my macchi, you need to ask yourself what your stand is. If you really like this person and want to be with him exclusively, ensure that you have a good physical and emotional connection with him. If your inhibitions are just restricted to societal demands of girls always dating or being with boys older than them, then my dear macchi, have no doubts and go for it. But if, in any way, your inhibitions are regarding your attraction towards this boy, then you should give it another thought.

Amma tells you with a lot of experience that every relationship holds an emotional commitment between two individuals, and you just have to make sure that you are clear with your partner about your interests in the relationship, or else it can create a khatta sambhar in your lives. Once you are clear about what you want, go out on lovely dates, and have a great time, disregarding the age factor in the relationship, and treat him like an equal.

Only then will you both be able to fight the societal norms of an ‘older girl dating younger boy’ stereotype and make this thing work. Amma wishes you all the best, and don’t forget to spend some naughty time to add masala in your life with this new boy of yours!

 

Sex Amma

[email protected]

(Write to sex amma at sexamma@ dubeat.com to get all your queries about sex answered.)

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Sex Amma: Joys of Personal Pleasure

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Sex Amma's

Dear Amma, I recently discovered the joys of personal pleasure derived from visual aids. I can’t help but wonder if the excitement I get from videos is more than real life experience.

Dear Macchi,

You should not fret too much. The joy derived from personal pleasure is natural for both men and women, so first, let us erase that guilt. Second, the medium through which you enjoy it is something which is more subjective to each his/her own. You should realise that these visual aids are presented in such a manner so as to titillate its viewership, as the visual and mental stimulation are very powerful. It is driven by the absurdity of the situation, ruled by spontaneity and glorified vividness.
A lot of the narration and direction showcased in them is not something we tend to do in routine life (barring our
daydreams). It is that attraction as well as the intense building up of the hormones to the peak, which makes it much more pleasurable than the real-life experiences. My precious dosa, a little piece of advice Amma takes from the ancient scriptures is, “excess of anything in life is bad”. Amma asks for you to strike a balance and to keep your expectations grounded. Excessive indulging in the aforementioned visual aids can prove to be a hindrance to you while you experience pleasure in reality, as they often present sex as a means of control, punishment or domination
over the partner, proving to be very mechanical and sans-emotional intimacy.

Hence, if you are keen to have a good time, make things clear between you and your partner before you begin,
an establishment of what the two of you seek before your dosa-making. Communication is key, but it is not worth the effort if you and your partner are not on the same page with each other.

Sex Amma
[email protected]
(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

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Sex Amma On Polyamorous Relationships

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” How do I know whether I can deal with a polyamorous relationship or not?” is a million-dollar question which young and curious munchkins wonder and write to Amma about! Fret not, Amma is here to answer it.

Dear Macchi,
To be polyamorous means to have sexual and romantic relationships with more than one partner at the same time. People who are polyamorous can be heterosexual, lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and relationships between polyamorous people can include combinations of people of different sexual orientations. Oh, the possibilities are endless!

My dear idli, get it out of your head that it’s cheating. If your partner doesn’t wish to include other people in the relationship and isn’t aware that you’re seeing other people, then it is cheating. In polyamory, all the partners are aware of the existence of each other.

Being in a polyamorous relationship doesn’t mean that you can sleep with whomever you want. It is extremely important to have honest and open communication in polyamorous relationships. It is not to be confused with open relationships as well. In open relationships, people seek partners to just have consensual sex with, but in polyamorous relationships, they have romantic relationships with multiple partners too, other than just sex.

Let Amma tell you the many advantages of being in a polyamorous relationships. You can love as many people as you
want to without worrying about breaking someone’s heart. Having multiple partners will reward you with many new sexual experiences which Amma can totally vouch for. However, it has its downsides too. Practicing polyamory is considered a taboo that persists, since polyamory is not socially acceptable yet. If one of your partners is monogamous, there is a high chance that they might feel a tinge of jealousy. Amma herself had a tough time balancing the schedules and needs of different partners. But when she did manage to do it, she had some of the best
sexual experiences of her life.

It depends on you, my munchkin. If you are unsure whether polyamory might suit you, ask yourself whether you would be okay with having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time. Contemplate whether the polyamorous relationship is meeting your needs of closeness and intimacy.

As you go ahead in your sexual adventures and experiment with different chutneys to have with your idli, don’t forget to keep Amma posted about the same!

Sex Amma
[email protected]
(Write to sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered)

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