Aries
Keep that uni-brow of yours intact. Despite what people say, that little jungle above the caves of your eyes will ward of all evil.

Leo
Buy Vicco Turmeric and sing its jingle. The chords of this never changing jingle are said to improve memory.

Sagittarius
No, do not listen to SRK when he says use Fair and Handsome Its coming from a man who did Ra.1 and Chennai Express.

Taurus
Did you know your zodiac is a potential Pokemon name?

Virgo
Dance to “Single Ladies” by Beyonce and post it on YouTube. The number of likes will be equal to the marks you get next semester.

Capricorn
Get a rooster for yourself, nothing else can help you catch the 8:45 class.

Gemini
Translate “Balam Pichkari” into English and try to make sense of it. If you’re successful you deserve an award.

Libra
Wear shoes that have “YOLO” imprinted on the bottom surface that touches the ground, and happily walk to glory

Aquarius
You’ll see that a lady in blue is following you around. She is from the mere -people, go ahead, talk to her and find out that Harry Potter is real.

Cancer
Count the number of buttons on your shirt, that’s the number of true friends in your life. However, if you’re wearing a Being Human T shirt, you do not deserve friends.

Scorpio
Why is a car named after your zodiac? Melody Khao khud jaan jao.

Pisces
Commit a crime, go to jail and then try to pull off a Shawshank Redemption. This is your only way to become a movie star.

Aries: You will not go through that morning lethargy and inertia ever again now that you will discover the reason behind the same, was your wrong deodorant soap that has a foul and offensive smell.

Taurus: Feel free to keep your mouth shut when you are with friends this week as they won’t take you seriously if you show off your ravishing and stunning intellect.

Gemini: Stick tight and wait because you are likely to meet the man/woman of your dreams who you will find selling Bhelpuri/Sevpuri near your college.

Cancer: Expectantly, you will be able to grab attention in any possible way you can; in the metro, in your college and in the movie theatre too. Bingo!!

Leo: Wearing those same lucky lemon-colored shades will be even luckier, when its cloudy outside and you don’t want yourself to be stuck in the rain.

Virgo: Your favorite attribute in a person, you will find is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are. Plus, the sensation in the gulf of your stomach is going to explode at noon, or sometime afterwards in the week.

Libra: fashion aesthetic to the tail, they are certainly going to make people turn around for just a single glance. Likely to swamp most of their pocket money buying age defying products and jaw dropping attire.

Scorpio: Finally, it’s the time for scorpion freshers to get an insight into what actually they will be doing in their FYUP. Luck seems generous enough.

Sagittarius: Sleep deprivation can affect you negatively today, so ensure you murder all the dogs in your area for a guaranteed good night’s sleep. There’s no harm in taking the day off.

Capricorn: ‘Yes’ will be your lucky word for the whole week. Don’t hesitate using your lucky word even when your date asks you whether you are two timing.

Aquarius: If you think it’s my job to tell you good news, you’re wrong pal. You’re going down. So better rush to the nearest temple and get your prayers done as soon as possible.

Pisces: You will discover that you can wiggle your ears pretty easily, and will actually become quite good at it after a little practice. Seeing your wonderful talent people will actually invite you to their parties.

Aries: You will not go through that morning lethargy and inertia ever again now that you will discover the reason behind the same, was your wrong deodorant soap that has a foul and offensive smell.

Taurus: Feel free to keep your mouth shut when you are with friends this week as they won’t take you seriously if you show off your ravishing and stunning intellect.

Gemini: Stick tight and wait because you are likely to meet the man/woman of your dreams who you will find selling Bhelpuri/Sevpuri near your college.

Cancer: Expectantly, you will be able to grab attention in any possible way you can; in the metro, in your college and in the movie theatre too. Bingo!!

Leo: Wearing those same lucky lemon-colored shades will be even luckier, when its cloudy outside and you don’t want yourself to be stuck in the rain.

Virgo: Your favorite attribute in a person, you will find is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are. Plus, the sensation in the gulf of your stomach is going to explode at noon, or sometime afterwards in the week.

Libra: Fashion aesthetic to the tail, they are certainly going to make people turn around for just a single glance. Likely to swamp most of their pocket money buying age defying products and jaw dropping attire.

Scorpio: Finally, it’s the time for scorpion freshers to get an insight into what actually they will be doing in their FYUP. Luck seems generous enough.

Sagittarius: Sleep deprivation can affect you negatively today, so ensure you murder all the dogs in your area for a guaranteed good night’s sleep. There’s no harm in taking the day off.

Capricorn: ‘Yes’ will be your lucky word for the whole week. Don’t hesitate using your lucky word even when your date asks you whether you are two timing.

Aquarius: If you think it’s my job to tell you good news, you’re wrong pal. You’re going down. So better rush to the nearest temple and get your prayers done as soon as possible.

Pisces: You will discover that you can wiggle your ears pretty easily, and will actually become quite good at it after a little practice. Seeing your wonderful talent people will actually invite you to their parties.

Aries
It’s rainy season. Not a good season to be wearing your best dress and walking on a road full of puddles and whizzing cars, unless you want to start playing Holi a little early.

Taurus
Beware of half eaten worms in your apple. The other half has already found its way down your food pipe.

Gemini
Don’t use a friend’s phone to check your Facebook account. You will forget to log out and disaster will strike in terms of social embarrassment.

Cancer
It’s a little too early to be thinking about hitting on that cute fresher. It might be wiser to know his/her sexual orientation first.

Leo
Do not re-gift any of your old unused gifts. You will end up gifting them to the same person you received them from.

Virgo
It’s a good time to send in your sex query to Sex Amma. She’s been waiting for you.

Libra
Try to avoid the impending bad hair day. You’re going to bump into your ex at the metro station.

Scorpio
You will leave an unfinished toffee on your bed side table. And wake up to an army of red ants invading your room.

Saggitarius
Don’t pick your nose in the class. You will be seen. And the video will be circulated.

Capricorn
You will be bombarded with banana peels from a bus full of school kids on your way to the market. Scare them away with your scary growl.

Aquarius
A chewing gum under a college desk is waiting since Friday to be stuck to a lucky finger. It may be yours.

Pisces
Your mother will force you to watch reruns of Uttaran with her for hours and hours. Make sure to sit with a box of tissues.