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Sex Amma on Emotional (Un)availability

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

 

Question: I am physically attracted to someone but he is emotionally attached. What to do?

My dearest Kanna,

Isn’t this the ultimate conundrum of life? You fall for people who aren’t even available to fall for you. And no, it isn’t your fault. As they say, “pyaar soch samajh kar nhi kiya jaata… bas ho jata h.” The silver lining to your misery? That it is only physical attraction. Trust amma, you don’t want to find yourself in the raita that is love.

Well, amma also has her teaching moments. You know how they say “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,” right? Well, that’s true kanna, but if their beauty is the only thing that has you attracted to them, it can’t go further than your regular short-term fling (obviously with a side of emotional baggage that you would be left with).

Imagine this person and take away their sundarta and all that physical beauty that has you attracted to them. What are you left with? Just an emotionally unavailable person, my dearest. Even if you could have them, they can’t give you the love that you deserve. And let me tell you dhono, you deserve so much more love than this world can even hold.

So if you listen to your amma, don’t wait around for them. They are pining over someone else and you deserve to not pine over them. Regardless of what you are looking for—a short winter fling, a one-night stand, or just someone to share a cup of chai with in this dilli ki sardi, this person is probably not going to be that for you anytime soon.

Go on out and download those dating apps, or talk to new people if you want that old romance, but don’t wait around for a story that might not even happen. Put yourself out there, be clear about what you want, communicate, and find someone who wants you in the same way that you want them. And kutty, save yourself from the raita just waiting to be spilled.

 

Love, 

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma

Sex Amma on Labelling Your Sexuality

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Amma, it has been sometime since I began questioning my sexuality. Despite being open to non-heterosexual relationships, I do not feel comfortable attaching a label to myself. What do I do about it?

Oh, my dear Idli! Your Amma understands the dilemma you are in. We are all brought up in such a heteronormative and monogamous society that most of us are conditioned to think about our sexuality in a certain way. When we get out of institutions such as schools (yes, darling, school was not too fond of your Amma’s thoughts and questions either), we tend to feel more free and liberated, and people tend to feel comfortable exploring their sexuality.

Labels may be empowering for some people, but of course they do not work for everybody. We are all humans, naa? We are all different. We cannot always fit into boxes and categories. I know that the labels available to define sexuality are very accommodating and fluid. But the very act of choosing a label for yourself and having to stick to it may be very disconcerting for many. Sexualities are not static. Your understanding of your sexuality can change over time, and claiming a label should not have to be a lifelong commitment.

Your sexual orientation is indeed a part of your identity. But your identity does not need to be defined. University spaces tend to be free, yet they are not entirely devoid of queerphobia. Labelling yourself is a brave act. Choosing not to label yourself is brave as well. None the less, labelling is a choice, my dear. There is no one way to be queer. I once had a child of about your age tell me, “Being queer is just choosing to go beyond the norm”. You may be conscious of it and want to find a label that best describes you in order to associate yourself with a community of people. Or you may want to not call yourself anything and still consciously associate yourself with a community.

Amma needs you to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Think about what you like and are comfortable with. I hope you prioritise yourself. I am happy that my dear idli came to me to express their concern. Asking for help is brave, darling. Amma is always one question away from you!

Sex Amma 

[email protected] 

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Sex Amma on Starting Conversations

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

 

Question: How to start a conversation with a random girl you like?

My dearest,

“Man is by nature a social animal,” said some great man (pardon my memory with names kanna) but I believe they forgot to package us with an instruction manual on how to actually be social. I see you kids tick-ticking on those phones of yours while you sit in the same rooms and at the same tables. I see you not talking and then crying over how you have no one to talk to. But that isn’t it, is it? Back when I was young, then also these people had no idea how to approach someone. Well, what are you to expect from a generation whose movies tabooed even kissing (oh, those poor violated flowers).

But you young kids of the new generation have it so much better. Things are so much more open and talked about now. So frankly, the only thing I can tell you is that the only way to have a conversation is to just have one. Although kutty, don’t be one of those creeps who just won’t take a no for an answer or leave. When you do approach someone, remember the three Rs: Respect, Realize, and Retreat (if required)— respect their space, their time, and most importantly, their response; realize if the conversation is not going in the direction you wanted it to or if you’re making them uncomfortable; and please, please don’t come off as a hyperactive serial killer but just retreat if they don’t seem okay with the conversation. 

I know these Bollywood movies taught you uski na mein bhi haan hai but trust me when I say that’s not the case. Everyone appreciates a compliment. Everyone appreciates respect. Lead with that. Know your limits and theirs. Don’t do anything amma won’t approve of. I know it takes a lot of guts to talk to your one true love (of the moment) but you don’t want to leave them emotionally scarred for life. 

So live, laugh, love, do whatever you want, but just don’t do it at the expense of others. Remember kanna, life is short but you aren’t going to find the love of your life by being chep.

Love, 

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma on Friendships and Toxic “Love”

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

 

Question: My best friend is getting into a very toxic relationship and somehow she can’t see it. Do I make peace with it or should I go beyond my way to stop her, because it is affecting our friendship?

My dearest idli,

Maturity comes both with age and experience, but in relationships there is no real expertise and you might make new mistakes every time. For starters, give your bestie, a suitable space to have her own opinions. There is no problem between two friends that cannot be solved without talking, so have a serious chit-chat session over chai or hot chocolate. Be open towards hearing her opinion and also try to understand her stance as to why this relationship is so important to her. Instead of focusing on your perspective of the relationship, try to see how she perceives it.

Your Amma would always tell you to let out the feelings. Keeping things bottled up would only make you feel nauseous and uncomfortable. So, try to confront her about your feelings and understand her point of view. I know, it is often difficult to directly express your feelings, but believe me kanna, it’s the best solution to get out of any mess. There is no mess that can’t be cleared with a heartfelt conversation along with good food and coke. Don’t make the same mistake as me of creating an ego wall and acting all cool with a no-fucks-given attitude. Take my word, it only makes things worse.

If even after this serious conversation, she can’t see the “toxic” side, it is for you to understand, my dear macchi, that you can’t take over the decisions of her life. It is ultimately on her to understand the dynamics of her relationship. You can simply be there for her. But being there is very different from being a “nosy” friend. I know, my kutty, that you are worried about her but we can’t impose our opinions on others. I think this is the best thing I have learnt from Gen Z, the concept of giving space, to realise and to learn. So don’t stress yourself out, you won’t lose your friend with your words. Trust the process and trust your friend (even if that means trusting things you don’t approve of).

Love,

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma: Busting Top Sex Myths

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Hello readers! Amma has been noticing that you are resorting to unsolicited sex advice from the books you read, shows you watch and your friends sharing their one night stand horror stories. You do know that regardless of your sexual experience, only awareness and knowledge will allow you to take control and feel empowered, right? My dear machhas and machhis, allow Amma to help you sail your boat. 

The first-time 

If you feel that your first time is going to be painful and hurt like hell especially my little idlis, you need to calm down and stop overthinking. The right amount of foreplay can lessen the potential pain. Relax, communicate and use lots of lube for a good time.

Also Amma believes that your first-time can be just a taster and take the awkwardness out, so you know what you’re doing when the right one comes along. After all you need to try the different mirchis to find what suits you best. While there’s nothing wrong with waiting for the right spice, if you want to have sex with someone you’re not head over heels for, it’s perfectly fine. Just always remember that consent is the key to your uttapam’s heart.

Pleasure beyond penetration

Amma feels penetration is overrated, mainly because it doesn’t include the experiences of my gay and queer chutneys. Oral sex, erotic massage, sexting, hand jobs, mutual masturbation, petting and tribbing are a few non-penetrative options for you and your uttapam to consider. Amma advocates that you define your own pleasure.

Oral Sex

While one cannot get pregnant from oral sex, diseases like herpes, HPV, syphilis, HIV and gonorrhea can be commonly acquired via mouth. Because it’s easier to prevent the sambhar from spilling than to clean it later, Amma advises you all to use condoms even while indulging in oral sex. For all the unaware dosas and vadas, condoms are flavored for this very reason. 

Like the movies

Sex in movies is actually opposite of what might happen in real life. Get it straight – no one rolls around the bed with such grace and smoothness. Those scenes are staged and hopefully yours aren’t. Amma loves playing through moaning and foreplay, you should try it too! Don’t be bummed out if you are unable to switch positions that effortlessly. 

At the end of day all that matters to Amma is that her lovelies are safe and having fun. Make sure you’re communicating with your uttapams and educating yourself about sexual health for better consensual experiences! 

Write to me your sex related queries and Amma will sort them for you!

Sex Amma

[email protected]

 

 

 

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Sex Amma: Spicing Up Sex Life

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Dear Amma, I have been in a committed relationship for years, and want to spice things up in bed. What can I do to improve my boring, vanilla sex life?

Ah, my little dosa,
You have come to the right person searching for the right answers. If you want to spice things up and improve your vanilla sex life, why not put some tadka and vanilla in it, literally?

A hungry mind seeks pleasure in everything. Why not combine hungerwith pleasure? A tinge bit of Nutella, a drop of honey, a lick of whipped cream, or a scoop of ice-cream. Macchi, it is essential to understand that experimenting and eating involves a lot of conversations, deliberations, and consent.

A flavoured popsicle, and a flavoured condom should go hand in hand. Amma remembers her teenage movies which used cherries, strawberries, and grapes to heat things up. As the act of coitus involves a lot of fluids, don’t bring in much of fluidity into bed. However, a dripping and melting ice cube surely soothes the raging body temperature.

For Amma, the way to her heart is through her tummy, thus, combining both the intrinsic survival instincts is a heaven’s paradise.

However, to each its own, it is essential to keep some edibles out of your private parts. Look idli, vaginas maintain their own pH balance and certain foods mess them up. Sticky pubic hair, irritation, rashes might kill the mood, and it is best to keep the edibles above your waist.

The thought of dripping chocolate, sensuous eyes, and goosebumps with sliding ice cubes is 50 Shades of Grey in one frame. However, don’t be disappointed the first time, no sambhar is perfect the first time. Some people don’t like sambhar at all, you might just be into chutney or rasam.

(For more sex related queries, write to Sex Amma at [email protected].)

Sex Amma

[email protected]

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Sex Amma: Decoding Monogamy and Polyamory

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Dear Amma,

I believe I am not made for monogamy as I have a tendency to always look for companionship outside of my relationship. Is there something wrong with me? What do I do? 

Oh, dear Idli, 

Relationships, loyalty and boundaries are always better when well-established. Exactly how there is no perfect recipe to the exotic Sambhar, there is no one perfect recipe to relationships. My Uttapam, who said monogamy is the sole gold standard of relationships? 

Amma doesn’t approve of breaking someone’s heart or infidelity. If monogamy is not who you are, why not talk to your partner? Like the idli batter has to be of the right proportion, you too must establish the appropriate base. Communicate with them and express your dilemma, if polyamory or open relationship seems like an ideal dish to them, why not try it out? Historically, like masala dosa being a total favourite, monogamy has never been one. 

Macchi, like every well-made dosa-sambhar, every relationship should establish their boundaries. If your partner approves of your new dish of open relationship, devour it together. If not, re-think your choices, either learn to control the urge or establish a consensual common ground. Amma believes that all acts of love should be consensual. Ensure that your partner doesn’t lose trust and belongingness towards you. 

Unlike science, no one law fits all love. It takes years of understanding, compatibility and love to bring a new change, to make a new start. Amma would be disappointed if my little idli broke someone’s heart.

However, do not self-question yourself, you might feel that you are wrong, insufficient or morally incorrect. Believe when Amma says, you are not. Monogamy or Polyamory, it should always be consensual and pre-established.

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma
[email protected]

 

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Arts & Culture

Decoding Hickeys and Love Bites

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Amma, yesterday my boyfriend and I had a cosy time together, all was good, but today when I woke up I saw a big blue coloured bruise on the side of my neck. I don’t know what to do about it. Help me out!

My dearest idli,

Calm down, it is nothing to worry about, you have just got your first love bite! Yes, you read it right. Love bites, commonly know as, hickeys are very common in spicy sexual activities and arise due to the continuous tugging of epidermal skin, lasting more than 20 to 30 seconds, such as from a violent kiss or a bite. These passionate and prolonged manoeuvres appear as something unbearable to the tender and tiny blood vessels present just below our skin, known as capillaries, making them burst and causing the small blueish bruise.

The kind of a reaction one has to them is variable, some vadas and idlis really admire the reddish blue mark and consider it as a symbol of memory, recalling the steamy moments they spent with their partners. However, there are others who owing to the difficulties of hiding it or the uncomfort they feel while or after getting it make them detest love bites, hence the consent of your partner before planting him or her with one is very important. Amma, also in her days of youth often covered her neck with a blue scarf, which she bought specifically for this purpose.

However, it’s not always the sides of the neck which can be chosen, a hickey can be given anywhere on the collar bone, chest or for that matter any part of the skin which has exposed blood capillaries, close to the surface. Coming back to your question, Amma recalls of your vada not informing or asking you about his plan of embedding your neck with a mark, this action makes Amma doubt his crispness. So, make sure you talk about this the next time you meet him. Also, since till now Amma is aware of your innocence sweetness like Rawa Kesari, I feel its important to tell you that the reddish blue spot is not permanent and will vanish max in a week. So, if you have traditional Indian parents or irritating high school friends, rock this week with high necks or scarfs.

With love 

From,
Amma

 

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Sex Amma on Grooming down there

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Dear Amma,

My boyfriend tells me to shave down there because he does not like the ‘mess’ but I, on the other hand, hate shaving because it is uncomfortable and painful. How do I tell him this?

Dear chutney,

I sympathize with the problems you are facing with your partner, but the best way to deal with this is to communicate with him about the downsides of shaving your pubic hair. It is extremely irritable and leaves you exposed to different types of bacteria. Those tiny, red bumps eliminate the fun out of the action. You must enlighten him about the fact that the hair down below is like leaves surrounding a flower, or a lawn surrounding the house. 

My little jalebi, your Amma in her days also came across such men. They always asked me to shave, however, I am my own boss and I never listened to them. My dear dosa, you must not change yourself for others, and if he continues to have a problem with your hair, then you clearly deserve a better boy. 

Pubic hair, my idli, must only be removed when you feel comfortable doing so, and not because some boy asked you to keep yourself ‘clean’. His remark may be suggestive of the fact that he would not be comfortable engaging with you sexually unless the pubic hair is not removed. This remark in itself is indicative of his misogynistic views in one way or another, and my little macchi, you must confront him about the same. 

So you see, my little chutney, nobody gets to tell you what to do with your body. You must always remember that the person you are with must love all of you and not just the parts they find sexually appealing. Amma, from her past experiences, can recall that shaving off pubic hair is not necessary for you and it is a personal choice. My dear macchi, you must follow Amma’s advice and confront that boy and do not forget to have fun. 

(For more sex related queries, write to [email protected])

Sex Amma

[email protected]

 

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Sex Amma: Sexting 101

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Dear Amma,

I have just started sexting my partner and we have been enjoying it a lot together. However, I can’t help but feel a little clueless at times. What are some basic things I should keep in mind?

Macchi,

Firstly, Amma is very happy you all are getting the opportunity to explore attraction and sex online; You can enjoy the person even when they are not near you. In amma’s days, she had to wait for her lovers to return from wherever they had gone to do some chutney-making.

Secondly, over the years, with the help of some young idlis like you, Amma also learnt technology and perfected the art of sexting. Amma has eagerly learnt the secret tips and needless to say, enjoys sexting a lot. Here are some of the things that you should not be doing.

Never show your face in the explicit images you send your partner to get in a steamy mood. No matter how trustworthy you think they are, it might go on to cause problems in the future. It’s easier to prevent the sambhar from spilling than it is to clean it later. Don’t send your messages on a platform which leaves imprints or where your data isn’t safe. While naughty texts are fun, you wouldn’t want to be caught in an uncomfortable situation where someone else accidentally reads them. You wouldn’t want to spill your idli– making recipe to the public, right? Don’t be afraid to get creative. Sexting is a space where you can explore kinks and fantasies without actually doing them, so you get a taste of what it would feel in real life without actually doing it. Through sexting, you get a taste of what you would like and not. Don’t give without receiving. It goes without saying, no one likes a partner (be it sexting or in real life) who only takes but never gives the same.

While keeping in mind the things you shouldn’t be doing, here are the things that you should be doing in their place. Do take your time to discover what angles and lighting work best and makes you look your best erotic self. Do check twice before sending to ensure you are sending it to the right person.

Here are some basic guidelines and what Amma has learnt from her experience. Keep these and your general safety and happiness in mind and you’ll be good to go! Happy sexting, my child!

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

[email protected]

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