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Dear Amma,

My boyfriend frequently asked me if he could taste me down there. I was apprehensive at first, but few days back things got heated up and I let him. His reaction was horrible and he said it was too soon. I was torn to bits; I feel horrible about what he said. I have a lot of health problems and he knows about all of them and I feel he should have been a little sensitive towards the situation. Should I stop blaming myself? Please help.

My troubled macchi, yes you should STOP blaming yourself.

For any person to open up to another in an intimate situation and to expose themselves for the first time is a sensitive moment. To reveal you inhibition to someone else is a brave task and should be treated with respect and understanding. Amma can empathize with your feeling of being torn after not getting the right response from your partner.

However macchi, Amma has had many encounters with people who do not know the intricacies of dosa making, and she can say from experience that often the “nice guys” can disrespect you in the most unlikely of moments. They are not aware of the fact that they are being insensitive to our feelings and say things out of impulse. Amma can understand that an attempt towards a conversation revolving around the issue at hand can lead to many embarrassing outcomes; but little idli, like Amma takes risks with spices in her chutneys, you need to take a risk here too. You need to communicate with him and soon! Since this matter is troubling your heart greatly and soon will start to affect your relationship, it is imperative that you talk to him and clearly express that you think he is being insensitive.

Dear macchi, if you care about him enough to make this work, then you need to be completely honest with him. Also if, at any time, you feel that it is not worth the effort and you are not getting the respect you deserve, then Amma suggests you walk away before the batter turns bitter. Communication is the key, but it is not worth the effort if you and your partner are not on the same page as each other.

 

To send in your queries to Sex Amma email us at [email protected]. We respect your confidentiality as much as you do.

Dear Sex Amma!

I met my best friend’s boyfriend at a party and we seemed to hit it off. One thing led to another and we did it that night. It was amazing and both of us agreed that it was the best we ever had. We have this incredible chemistry in bed, what do I do?

Ohh my sweet machhi! Your question has truly upset Amma. The only two things Amma always advises against are breaking someone’s heart and letting go of a dosa that fully satiates your idli.

It is great for you to meet someone you really connect and have a blazing chemistry with. But you have to realise that what you have done is essentially wrong on your part for your best friend. Cheating is one ingredient that turns the whole mixture bad. This also means that the boyfriend has wronged your friend, proving his infidelity. Macchi, always remember, good friends are scarce in life and a ruined friendship is always almost irredeemable. This is why Amma advises you to come clean to your friend and tell her the truth, even if it breaks her heart.

It’s okay to get involved and have fun with someone, but it’s wrong when that someone is already with another person. Please tell your friend the truth and talk to her boyfriend as well. Decide what both of you want, whether it was just a fun night or you both want to continue seeing each other. It will get awkward, but it’s a necessary task to clean up the mess that has been created.

Finally little machhi, it’s a valuable lesson learnt. Don’t ever push away your friends or ruin friendships over boys, because lovers might be fleeting but friends are for life!

Q. Hi Sex Amma, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 months now and we’ve barely hit third base. I understand that she wants to take it slow and I don’t want to pressurize her, but of late, the frequency is decreasing!

Sex Amma: Oh my dear uttapam, Amma knows the plague that infests the minds of men in this country. Hitting the third base in a cricket crazy nation is all that men want, ignoring the weather and pitch conditions, thus getting out on the very first ball or eventually getting forced to play defensive.
Amma appreciates the fact that you understand that your macchhi wants to take it slow. The decreasing frequency suggests that the macchhi is either feeling guilty or has gotten scared due to the misunderstandings and taboo that accompany sex in our beloved nation. In any case, the solution is: communication.
You need to sit her down in an environment where she can speak to you about anything. And, if it’s a biological reason, then be a strong fisherman, be there for your macchhi and support her through the tough time. Build a strong bridge of communication and trust, and Amma guarantees you’ll start scoring again, singles and doubles at first, of course. Don’t lose your patience, else you’ll misjudge the ball and will be ‘caught’ out.

Q. My boyfriend loves to watch porn and every time we get intimate he tells me to watch it too and learn new things. He remains very unsatisfied with our time, but I dislike porn. I just can’t stand watching it. How can I make him see the other way?

A. Ayyioo!

My naughty idlis caught in a mix of curries!

First things first, it’s completely okay to have different views from your partner on this one. The adult industry is made for entertainment and you have the right to not like it, so it’s perfectly alright to not watch it. Porn films, like any other media these days, are all about putting up a show, so don’t expect the things you see online to happen in a real situation. They are educational for some or can be just entertainment, but unrealistic expectations from porn should not be borne into real life situations.

Real life intimate situations can take on many shapes, believe Amma! Whatever your recipe is for dosa making, the end product should always be a feeling of mutual respect and fun. This can only be the case if you both are comfortable with each other. Your partner’s dissatisfaction can be helped if you both talk about each other’s likes and dislikes and reach a common ground. Do get to know more about each other’s preferences and do not give in to the digital image of sex.

As Amma always says, communication is the key, my idli! Feel comfortable and get naughty; introducing new spices into your dosa batter is never a bad idea. So try what you can and remember to always be safe.

Q. Hi Sex Amma, I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 months now and we’ve barely hit third base. I understand that she wants to take it slow and I don’t want to pressurize her, but of late, the frequency is decreasing!

A: Oh my dear uttapam, Amma knows the plague that infests the minds of men in this country. Hitting the third base in a cricket crazy nation is all that men want, ignoring the weather and pitch conditions, thus getting out on the very first ball or eventually getting forced to play defensive.

Amma appreciates the fact that you understand that your macchhi wants to take it slow. The decreasing frequency suggests that the macchhi is either feeling guilty or has gotten scared due to the misunderstandings and taboo that accompany sex in our beloved nation. In any case, the solution is: communication.

You need to sit her down in an environment where she can speak to you about anything. And, if it’s a biological reason, then be a strong fisherman, be there for your macchhi and support her through the tough time. Build a strong bridge of communication and trust, and Amma guarantees you’ll start scoring again, singles and doubles at first, of course. Don’t lose your patience, else you’ll misjudge the ball and will be ‘caught’ out.

Do you have a question you’d like Sex Amma to answer?
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Q. Amma, I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for about 7 months now and I want to break up with her. The problem is that whenever I try to tell her that I want to stop seeing her, she gets very sentimental and I end up consoling her with no progress. What should I do? I’m not a shallow human being, it’s just that I feel that we’re not very compatible.

A.Foremost: think 10 times before doing this.
My dear rasam, this problem of yours reminds Amma of the tales of love-stricken boys from the dosa gang of engineering colleges who wouldn’t let go of Amma when she would tell them that it’s over. Amma herself struggled with the issue for quite a while in her times, but eventually stumbled across the recipe to break up with someone who had gotten over-attached to her. The answer to your problem is not as simple as making fried idlis.

The solution in itself is a process. You’ve to be gentle with the little macchi. You’ve to explain to her why you think that you guys shouldn’t be together. Amma knows it’s a cliché but you’ve to tell her that it’s not her but you, as it is truly the case with you. You’ve to appeal to her logical side, which Amma knows gets trapped under the chutney of emotions in such cases, and explain to her that the relationship has run its course and it’s time and that you two part ways before you start hating each other. And as for avoiding making her uncomfortable in public, solitude is the key. Take her on a walk in a big park and explain it all to the sweet little macchi (oh! She’ll cry!Amma’s heart is already bleeding for the poor soul!). Please console her. Think of breaking up as removing a bandage slowly and smoothly instead of ripping it off as most rasams usually do.

Q.  Hello Sex Amma,

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now, and he recently confessed cheating on me once, when he was drunk. Though I’m ready to forget it and move forward, he says he can’t even face me after what he has done. Please suggest what should I do?

A. My stuck little macchi, Amma has always advised the people of the backwaters never to commit the mistake of cheating!

It is very progressive of you to understand that mistakes can be done when one is under intoxication. But you have to understand that sometimes the other person might not be able to forgive themselves. Amma can see the puttu being split in only two ways. First, your boyfriend can be true to his word and genuinely feels ashamed and the other is that he might be looking at ways to break up with you. Either way my little idli it’s hard to accept the fact that he can’t be with you anymore.

It is Ammas’ advice that you talk to him honestly and let him know how much you still care and are ready to move forward, if he is. If things do not work out then don’t despair my macchi. There are many deserving fish out in the lagoons!

 

Q. My girlfriend is a very strong and independent person. But she changes when we are intimate, she becomes inanimate and non participative. It makes me feel very odd and leaves me to do all the work. I don’t understand what happens to her. Please advice, Amma.

 

A. My sweet uppam, the thing about us humans is that we are all very complicated beings, we might appear to be hard and strong on the outside, but when faced with intimacy, we might turn out to be tender and sweet.

My little idli, maybe your strong girlfriend has a sweeter, more private side to herself. Most people regard being intimate as a deep emotional journey they undertake and it makes you feel even closer. But that often also means giving them time to come out of their shells and developing a comfort zone with you. The next time you decide to be warm and cozy, sit her down and talk to her heart to heart, about things she is comfortable doing and the things you both would like to do. Build a bond where you know just what works for your partner and what does not through communication.

Finally, just be honest with her and encourage her to do the same. Talk to each other, lay down some mutual rules and just have fun my idlies. Don’t think too much and let your feelings guide you, the mind will follow.

Amma, all I can think about these days is sex. It makes me so horny that I end up masturbating almost everyday. Since its exam-time, my mind wanders there very often instead of focusing on my syllabus. What can I do?

My boiling hot idli, exam blues can often lead us astray. Amma understands, the ample time one gets to be alone during exams, which should be utilized in studying, is instead used to venture off into daydreams unknown. My wet appam batter, you need to focus your energies consciously on your subject. Exams are almost here and you young idlis should now be more concerned with the seemingly never ending syllabus at hand. I suggest some physical exercise and company of friends will help you more than you can imagine.

Hence, Amma advises you to be conscious about drifting off track and losing focus. Yes, once in a while everyone needs a stress buster. So a little fun can release all your tension, but don’t let you exams get out of your sight.

Amma wishes all the young idlis out there best of luck for the exams!

Q. Dear Amma, I desperately need your advice. I am in love with someone who was my “friend with benefits” in the past. The problem was that she did not love me back, but this did not make me forget her. Few days ago she suggested we should go back to our arrangement, but now I am in a relationship with someone else. I won’t be able to refuse her, too, what should I do?
P.S: I’m a lesbian.

A. My dear fried idli, let me warn you not to make the mistake of cheating!

Love and heart-breaks are two very grim teachers. In the past, if you have experienced a heart-break at the hands of this vada, I suggest you don’t repeat the same mistake again. Also, the one person who loves you right now despite your short comings will never forgive you.

Temptations are a way to some disaster very often. You are dealing with a very tricky situation and I suggest you don’t look back at your past, to stay happy in your present! You understand what it is like to feel rejected and if you do that someone else then you will never see the end of your guilt.

Finally little idli, learn to give up your past, because in the end it is just the past. If you still wish to give it a try, then Amma believes you should let your girl-friend know the truth and save her from being hurt, later. I wish you luck for whatever choice you make, but remember not to break any hearts in the process, whether it’s some else’s or your own.