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August 2010

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Lord, what is happening to me? Where did it all go wrong? Something snapped in my head in the last decade and I can’t figure when. I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today, she diagnosed alcohol induced dementia. “You need to see a therapist”, she said, for the gazillionth time.
So the other day, the ‘passion’ with which I called my (ex) girlfriend and hurled all grammatically possible racial, sexist slurs at her was quite a first of the celebrity kinds. I think I was intoxicated because I don’t remember that happening. Apparently, I threatened to ravage her house and her life. But all this is only the tip of the iceberg. Domestic violence and homicide accusations are shooting through the roof. Everyone is talking about how they won’t spend a penny out of their wallets to watch my future films and some even conspiring to boot me out of film business.
My publicist, who suffered from psychosis after the wreck, quit at the first chance. My agency, simply put, thought I was not bankable property anymore. My ratings have been in a freefall now that I’m a misogynist, anti-Semitic, racist, violent madman. I’ve been caught dropping F-Bombs like a blitz but my belief is that Jesus (I will resurrect) is by my side because, hell, I made Passion of the Christ, I am The Patriot.
Gathering my guts, I listened to the audiotapes; god I was ranting like I did in Braveheart, heaving like I was Satan himself. Having drinking problems is not funny to the least. One ends up cracking up a tad too much. Blame it on Hollywood and its victims-the other miserable celebrities who battle this burning issue.
My Russian opportunist girlfriend thinks she can frame a Christian man? Deeply complicating matters by having court sessions to demand humungous compensations. Doesn’t she know the Jews are responsible for all the wars on earth? Maybe she should scheme against them.
The worst part of being a celebrity is that your private matters are subjected to public debate and judgment. Who remembers the sports cars and the private jets in such tragic moments? The point is getting lost in the schizophrenic brain of mine. My career now in shambles, I should perhaps gamble on setting up a consultancy for crisis management of rage-aholics. And as far as public image is concerned, well, it goes out of the window. All to rely on the fact that some women still love my nicely built, hairy chest; maybe I can try my luck on them.

[DISCLAIMER: This is entirely a work of fiction. Any remarks or opinions are not meant to hurt anyone’s sentiments.]

Q. Amma I have been in a serious relationship for a year but I haven’t “done it”. My boyfriend has been very understanding. I always tell him I’m not in the mood, but actually I’m not confident about my body. I have this crazy idea that he’ll laugh the first time he sees me like that. What do I do?

A. Aiyyo, what is happening to girls these days? Sultry Spirit of Silk Smitha, forgive this travesty. Do it. Don’t push it with your boyfriend. Do you really want to hear on the news one day that he died of electrocution while humping a lamp post? Love thyself, girl. Your boyfriend will be too stunned to laugh. Amma guarantees you that.

Q. Hello Amma Ji..Can I know your age?? I want to meet you just as a Friend. Can we meet? Where do you live?

A. Aiyyo, quite the poet you are. Hidden meanings in all your words. But don’t you worry, Amma’s had some Shakespeare in her too (no pun intended…who am I kidding. every possible pun intended ). So here’s my attempt at reading between the lines. Can I know your age=do your big boys sag so much that they touch the ground? I want to meet you just as a friend= I want to get horizontal with you, screw friendship (screw-friendship, get it?) Where do you live=may I have permission to stalk you?

Aaah. Aaj ke naujawaan, they make me proud. And a little bit nostalgic too. What the heck, I might just surprise you one of these days, young man.

Last week, the LSR Dramatics Society was all set to prove how action speaks louder than words, as they emerged with a new concept of performing an Invisible Play in their college cafeteria during the recess when a large crowd of startled spectators was expected.

No individual except for the dramatics society members knew about this tiny four minute act, which was staged in the most natural conditions like a day-to-day scenario. It created a buzz in the café when a bunch of seniors vented out their anger and frustration on 2 freshers by ragging them in the most uncouth manner. There was a massive commotion which initially left several students concerned and engaged in observing it. However, after the victimized freshers were rescued by another set of seniors, a brief and crisp speech was presented along with a call song in order to highlight the scarring consequences of ragging.

The juniors and even some of the second and third year students were startled to know that all the characters were a part of the play and an instant response was received by the students as many of them joined in during the call song march.

This initiative was taken in order to make the juniors aware of their rights as students of the college. It was a demonstration for them to retaliate in the right way in case they faced a similar situation.

Controversy, close finishes and new eras; there were headlines aplenty in the sports world over the last week.
While India’s loss to Sri Lanka in the first cricket test was nothing less than comprehensive, the retirement of Muttiah Muralidaran made it memorable. Although he had announced beforehand that he would be retiring at the end of the match, the enormity of the fact only sunk in when the match was over. This was the last time that the world would see the man in the arena that he made his own, and was the definitive end of the Warne-Kumble-Murali era. The proverbial cherry on the icing was his 800th wicket, although there were enough moments to make one think that perhaps this wasn’t to be his day after all. Unlike Bradman, though, Murali finished his career in a pretty neat manner, taking his 800th wicket with a typically unplayable off-break. Of course, controversy and comments have never been far from Murali, and hardly had he retired that Bishen Singh Bedi, his long-time critic, was at it again. This time, Murali retaliated by asking the latter to “think about himself first rather than talking about other people” and by saying that he would get “hammered every ball” if he played current test match cricket. While one can perhaps understand why Murali would hit back at Bedi, whatever happened to retiring with dignity?
In faraway Spain, Madrid and Barcelona have been in the news for very different reasons. Real Madrid icon and captain, Raul, left the club that he joined in 1992 as a youth team member. He has now signed with Schalke04, a move that might just add to the glamour of the Bundesliga, a league that just might be in the limelight following Germany’s performance at the World Cup. Retiring with Raul was Guti, another long-time member of the squad. Barcelona, meanwhile, have been making no bones about their desire to sign Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas, despite the London club’s firm refusal to even consider the matter.
Football players weren’t the only Spaniards making news. In neighbouring France, the Tour de France, professional cycling’s showpiece event, wound its way through four countries, two mountain ranges, and a total distance of more than 3600 kilometres. The three-week long race, a test of physical mettle as much as mental toughness, saw Alberto Contador out-wit Andy Schleck, his junior by three years, to win by a mere 39 seconds – the same time that he controversially gained by taking advantage of the chain slipping off the latter’s bike.
In a week where the Spanish just couldn’t avoid controversy, Ferrari Formula1 driver Fernando Alonso was handed the lead by his team-mate Felipe Massa on the team’s orders in the German Grand Prix. While Ferrari tried their best to disguise their message, the powers-that-be slapped a fine on the team and there may be further repercussions. The irony? Team orders were banned in 2002 after Ferrari stage-managed a similar over-taking manoeuvre by Michael Schumacher on team-mate Rubens Barrichelo.
While sports and controversy made themselves comfortable with each other, viewers were ensured of more than one means to keep them engrossed.