Hello kids. Happy now-your-exams-are-over-so-you-can-comfortably-read-me to you!! I don’t get this warped concept in DU. I heard from a highly flustered editor that these exams are a mere five percent. What a waste of time and struggle when you can watch Avatar in 2D and 3D twice over. Pardon me but I somehow had to squeeze in this bit of information. This is not a sly attempt to make you hate your life. I’m only trying to tell my readers that amma is on a “cool-wave”. *flashes the victory symbol*

So while I’m at it, I thought I’ll make you join my gang and tell you girlies about the cervical cancer vaccine. Heard of it? If not, then “oh! I was too busy studying” is not appreciated as an excuse. By the way, cervical cancer is the second most common cause of death cancer in women. Oh now I’m seeing you jerk your head. Broadly, the cervix connects the uterus to the vagina or the birth canal. Most cervical cancers begin in the cells lining the cervix. These cells do not suddenly change into cancer. Instead, the normal cells of the cervix first gradually develop pre-cancerous changes that turn into cancer. The notorious virus associated with cervical cancer is called HPV. I’ll just skip the full form because I’m a tad bit confused about the spelling. Google it! Now a sexual contact with the “toxic” opposite sex can lead to a system being infected by this virus. Usually, people adhere to Pap tests to detect an abnormality. But revelation has struck with the new vaccine which can shoo the virus away. It’s better than the men, this vaccine!

Now here’s the thing. The vaccine is meant for all 11 and 12 year old girls and no, your mother approaching you with getting the shot is not ignorant. The clause clearly states that the vaccine is meant to be entirely effective when given the before the first sexual contact. Considering that you girls keep flooding my inbox with queries about, what mom would call “beep”, you really need to be careful. So a bright spark who has not or infected before, will claim the full benefit of the vaccine. Preferably, a vaccine accompanied by regular Pap tests will best shield you against cervical cancer.

The vaccine is given in the arm or thigh 3 times—at the first visit, 2 months later and 4 months after that. The best protection is achieved after all 3 shots are given. Ouch!

HPV infection is most common is a woman’s “complicated” body. So you need t , in reality, resort to “prevention is better than cure”. Don’t wait for the apple for your entire life to keep the gynae away.

Q: You know I don’t mean to brag or anything. So please trust me when I say that I’ve always been asked out. I’ve always had to answer and have never popped the question myself. A few days back, However, I had this “big Bollywood” moment when a girl with the most gorgeous hair and the fairest skin walked into my class and caught me with my jaw dropped. I’m not a loser if that’s the picture being painted. But I really want to ask her out and give it a shot. I know you feel like you’re answering a 13 year old, but I need to know how to get I started? I want to give it a shot and I need help. Also, I could be a 13 year old, if it helps.

A: Eem-press-eeve. I see you are trying to be funny. Trying to tell me that you’re not that bad after all haan. So I’d say use it on the girl and not me! Many people find this the really difficult bit. But you’ve got to remember this one thing-‘if you don’t ask, you’ll never know!’. Everyone feels that rejection might come their way, a big “NO!” might be flung at their face. But there is a possibility of a “yes” too, isn’t it? A little optimism would help, won’t it? Then again, you won’t know until you ask.

I always feel that asking some out is a way to let the other person know that you’re interested. I’ve seen so many people who see their current boyfriends as “friends” earlier and then suddenly develop massive amounts of “that” feeling when asked out. So a “no”, eventually undergoes transformation and gets replaced by a “yes”!

I’m afraid that the practical side of asking someone out doesn’t have a recipe. It differs in every situation. You’re not a loser now but you’ll be if you don’t give it a shot. Reason enough? Now go, dedicate a joke to her!

Q: I started having sex because I though “everyone was doing it”. I didn’t even ask myself whether I was ready for it. I thought that the situation involved two people and those two were happy in it. Now when I think about it, I feel like a disrespected my body. I engaged in casual sex with a lot of confidence, but I’m not very proud of it now. I really feel like the fool to have blindfolded myself and not seen the consequences. So, what’s so attractive about casual sex? I’m repenting it now, but why did it feel good then?

A: You’re asking me this question only because you want me to re-assure you that the fact that you did do it then, wasn’t entirely your fault. I can sense it. And I will tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Whatever you think, it is a fact that casual sex is very popular and for almost everyone, it’s serving a purpose! We’ve all been brought up to see sex outside a long-term serious relationship as wrong. So, we do tend to develop this feeling that casual sex is more exciting or is an act of rebellion that one may find appealing. As a result there is a great degree of mystery and unfamiliarity involved and that further adds to the appeal. Also, both parties are aware that the sex is not going to lead to a relationship. So the act is relaxed .     It can be a bit of enjoyment, so there’s no denying that it’s very attractive and lures half the population of this world. Yes, you were being stupid. But that could just be justified as a part of growing up. So the regret must be nullified!

But from now on, HAVE CONFIDENCE AND HAVE RESPECT!!

Q: You know Amma it’s strange but the menstrual cycle of my group of friends tends to sync up? It’s very absurd. Is there a concrete cause?

A: Haha. Sometimes you guys come up with such unbelievable ones. Always a pleasure answering them though. No one is sure why women who live together or spend a lot of time in each other’s presence tend to ovulate in tandem.  But it has been observed in clinical studies as well as anecdotally in the real world and is considered a valid phenomenon.

The prevailing theory is that chemicals emitted from our sweat glands called pheromones somehow trigger each woman’s cycle to synchronize. The purpose of this is still a mystery. It may be that back in caveman times, having a group of females be fertile all at once helped propagate the species, since one man could impregnate them very quickly. So there! Lots of trivia I provided, no? Thanks for the question. I had fun answering it.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a fairly long time now. The sex is great, no complaints. But it’s odd that after it’s done, he passes out and I lie wide awake. Now, why would that happen? I expect us to have a little talk, if not be all charged up. I’m trying not to get frustrated with this habit of his and your telling me that it’s normal will only help. Please tell me the cause.

A: Dear child, It’s a misconception that sex always leads to peaceful slumber. For some, it has the opposite effect, since lovemaking raises your heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline levels. Don’t think I don’t have a solution to this for I do! And it’ll work, trust me. So, to prevent post-sex insomnia, reschedule the action for earlier in the evening. And try not to let him drift off until you’re satisfied. Orgasm can help bring the body down to its normal resting state. So if you’re not climaxing regularly, you need to have a chat with your guy about how the two of you can be more in sync. I feel like all my knowledge is finally being put to relevant use. No no I’m not bragging. Only appreciating the “quality of questions” being sent in lately. Keep it up guys. Clap for yourselves.

Q:  What should I tell you about my problem? I have a sweet girl in my class but haven’t had any girlfriend till now. It’s really scary for me to talk to women. I know I’m living in a time where all this sounds absurd, but I need a solution, desperately.

Ans: Kids kids! Yes you’re living in a world where all this DOES sound a little outdated, but you must remember that there are many travelling a boat similar to yours. I remember answering this question, just worded differently, a lot of times. So I’d just repeat my advice, for the hundredth time. YOU NEED TO BE CONFIDENT. You need to feel good about yourself. You need to know that you are one of a kind. Have faith in yourself boy. I know it sounds very preachy but it’s exactly what you need to do. Wake up one morning and think about how magnificently you’ve lived eighteen years of your life and you’ll sense a change. The girl you’re lurking at may or may not have the same apprehensions as you. She might have also been through this phase that you’re in right now. Wait, let me just cut the long story short for you. It doesn’t take a lot to place yourself on a high pedestal. In fact, it doesn’t take anything except a lot of self confidence. That will definitely carve the way to “stud-dom”. So what you’re waiting for? If you’re waiting for Barney to tell you to “suit up!” then I’ll do that for you. *enters dreamland* Ted is such an adorable child. *snaps out* Good day child.

Q: I have had a relationship with a guy for more than a year, and although it was a long distance relationship we could manage it quite well. Both of us were quite happy. But problems arose when we met. He being a guy expects a lot from me, you know. But I just don’t know why when it comes to love making or getting closer to him, I become very scared or skeptical and just don’t allow anything to happen. And this at times irritated him, which led to some forceful actions from his side. Can u help me with this? It’s not that I don’t trust him. It’s just that I dont feel comforatble with all this.

Please give me some answer!

Ans: You girl are doing absolutely well in the relationship. Now look, I have always firmly believed that a close physical contact with a person, for someone your age, is a huge deal. If you’re sane and not stoned or drunk, you will very obviously think and analyze the consequence of an action as big as this. Your partner might expect a lot from you, but you have the right to get close to him at your own convenience. It’ll in fact be extremely worthless if you do it without emotion. If you’re scared and skeptical, it’s best to maintain distance till you’re led into comfort. Don’t put the blame on him completely because he might be rightly expecting the initiation of a physical relationship keeping in mind the duration of your relationship. But doing anything leading to discomfort is pointless. You can try and prepare yourself by sorting out your priorities. But do think before you act child. It’s old advice, but all the better for it!

Q: Periods are a pain. I know a lot happens during this time of the month but I’ve started to get diarrhoea. Why this now?

A: Arrey for this one I had to do so much research. Went to the libraries, stood on those ancient stool and didn’t fear falling. It was fun. Thank you, question woman.

Ok, so this is what  Ifound out. You have to sit back and blame it on natural chemicals called prostaglandins. Now these are responsible for the uterine contractions that help expel blood from your body. Prostaglandins also trigger contractions in your bowels, resulting in diarrhoea — particularly during the first few days of your flow. To stop the runs, pop an anti-inflammatory painkiller. These over-the-counter drugs reduce prostaglandin production, so you’ll still have a regular period yet won’t have to hightail it to the toilet as often. And try to consume bland, plain foods like white rice, bread, and bananas, which help prevent loose stools.

That’s all i got for you. Now I got to go and spray some Volini on that muscle pull i got after i tripped off the stool at the library. See you folks!

Q: Tell me something amma. Am  I prone to more vaginal infections when I’m in a relationship because I wouldn’t like to believe that I’m that unhygienic. Please tell me I’m not.

A: What is that you people say, LOL? Yes, I would like to ‘lol’ at this one. Such funny ideas people get. But you know what? I should stop ‘lol-ing’ . During sex, the man can actually propel rectal bacteria present near your vaginal opening into your urethra. But that’s not very grave an issue. All you need to do is wash your genital area with soap before you hit the sheets. That’ll kill the bacteria. And since you already are very hygienic, I’m sure you’re doing that already! There, problem solved!!

Q: I’m in a serious problem. I was very stupid to have sex without protection. It all happened in a hurry. How soon can I know whether I’ve contracted an STD? Please answer my question. Please. I am in a confused state of mind.

A: Oho child. Calm down. Take deep breaths. There’s a solution to everything in this world. So you needn’t worry one bit. Now you’ll need to wait about a month before getting tested for anything. To check for chlamydia or gonorrhea, your doc will take a sample, like a Pap Smear, results of which can be expected in a week. Even if the result is positive, you need not panic because both infections can be nixed with anti biotics. Remember that genital warts must get removed ASAP! For anything major like HIV you must get a blood test done to seek appropriate diagnose. The results take about four days. But you really shouldn’t worry. Learn a lesson however. It’s not for nothing that everyone keeps harping about using a condom. It’ll cost a lot less and save you all the tension. Good luck

Q: Whenever I’m menstruating, I get very exhausted. I mean a regular trip to the college and back also seems like a Herculean task. Why does this happen? Is it a sign of abnormality in my system. I hope not.

A: I can guarantee you that lethargy during periods is the second most common thing in the world. The first being sexual intercourse. Aiyo! It’s a joke. Please give me a horrible giggle. Ogay so scientifically, you get exhausted because of a plunge in the level of estrogen (a hormone? yes, a hormone,girl!). So it’s a cyclic process and your energy levels get revived in a few days. Now since Anemia is like a regular disease these days, fatigue setting in for more than that short period should , in all sanity, ring a warning bell. A sluggish thyroid could be another cause. But don’t get hyper and start getting all sorts of tests done. If the exhaustion exhausts, then it’s only asking you to relax. So “take a pill, a chill pill”. Bai bai!

Q. I sometimes use my boyfriend’s razor. Is it safe?

A: Owlright now. If your boyfriend your man has cold sores, warts or hepatitis B or C, the virus could very well be living in his razor. And, conzequently when you use it, the viral villains can comfortably invade your bloodstream from shaving. Wait wait, there’s more. Hepatitis B and C, which just by the way can easily slip into your body via sex, needn’t necessary produce outside symptoms. So, you or your guy could be unknowingly infected.  Haha. Funny thought. To play it safe, avoid using any items that could harbor small amounts of his blood also, ( wait for it) including toothbrushes and nail clippers.

“Therefore”, there’s a lot of risk involved. So why not date a rich guy who can buy you lots of razors. Nice idea, isn’t it?

Q: Why do I get insane cravings when I’m PMS-ing? It makes me feel like a pregnant woman when I tell my friends that I’m craving for chocolates BECAUSE I’m in that phase of the month. Amma, it’s freaking me out. Please help.

A: Now you need to take a deep breathe, not once but twice (or thrice) and blame what the learned call the “brain chemical serotonin”, a natural mood stabilizer, levels of which plunge during the the days before menstruation. And as a result of this, your body becomes this stubborn *bad word* which desires certain foods, particularly those high in carbs, to help pump up the serotonin supply. Now let me come to “why chocolates?”. The thing here is that many women tend to reach out for nutritionally deficiently high-fat carbs like ice cream and cookies. They make the levels wavy because they first boost and then quickly sink the levels of the chemical, leaving you jonesing for more of the same junk. So munch on low fat complex carbs and you’ll be fine. Those “pretzels” and “whole-grain crackers” will satisfy your cravings for sure. AND, they’re easily available in every Indian household, now aren’t they? Lawl Lawl. This is amma saying, good bye and have a ball.

Q: The other day, my boyfriend called me by the name of another woman while we were in bed. I got very pissed off. But he swore he didn’t even know anyone by that name. Is it a big deal? I want you to help me get this off my mind.

A: Arey! These boys can do all these insensitive things. But my”sister from another mother” (oh well, it didn’t rhyme after all), it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s sneaking behind your back. Let me tell you a secret. Whisper it in your ear, better still. During sex, guys’ brain powers down to the level of a monkey- a stupid monkey to be more precise. So a mental lapse leading to the blurting of a random name is hardly outside the realm of possibility. If he’s fantasizing about a celebrity or the new girl in his class, then obviously you have nothing to be thrilled about but it’s definitely not cheating either. You know what could help. One, you could concentrate on making more eye contact with him. In the likely situation that it doesn’t work , you can adopt more drastic measures. You’d prefer teasingly calling him Ranganathan or Swami in an attempt to make him realize his mistake.

Q: I’ve just come to DU and I have made a new boyfriend. But he has BO (umm down there). He looks like a bit of a hippie so I’m not sure whether he’s careful about his hygiene and stuff. I want to get this across to him politely. How should I do that?

A: I can very well imagine how big a turn off it must be for you, young lady. It’s actually a little tricky because you can’t really tell him that his private parts smell like fish, now can you. Even if you do phrase it in a little hoity-toity manner, he will be embarrassed. 

Since you can’t always stick to breathing through your mouth, i shall give you some rather nice alternatives. Like you have “dadima ke nuske”. Yes, yes very much on those lines. Initially you could do with gifting him scented lotions or who knows, rub it on him yourself. Being naughty is never out of bounds! But that of course is a short-term solution and in most cases with a result not guaranteed. So try appealing to his vanity. What I mean is, try telling him how sexy groomed, trimmed and squeaky-clean guys are. I mean the hippie really has to have a hollow brain to not get a hint after this. So, don’t worry, be happy.