Q:  What should I tell you about my problem? I have a sweet girl in my class but haven’t had any girlfriend till now. It’s really scary for me to talk to women. I know I’m living in a time where all this sounds absurd, but I need a solution, desperately.

Ans: Kids kids! Yes you’re living in a world where all this DOES sound a little outdated, but you must remember that there are many travelling a boat similar to yours. I remember answering this question, just worded differently, a lot of times. So I’d just repeat my advice, for the hundredth time. YOU NEED TO BE CONFIDENT. You need to feel good about yourself. You need to know that you are one of a kind. Have faith in yourself boy. I know it sounds very preachy but it’s exactly what you need to do. Wake up one morning and think about how magnificently you’ve lived eighteen years of your life and you’ll sense a change. The girl you’re lurking at may or may not have the same apprehensions as you. She might have also been through this phase that you’re in right now. Wait, let me just cut the long story short for you. It doesn’t take a lot to place yourself on a high pedestal. In fact, it doesn’t take anything except a lot of self confidence. That will definitely carve the way to “stud-dom”. So what you’re waiting for? If you’re waiting for Barney to tell you to “suit up!” then I’ll do that for you. *enters dreamland* Ted is such an adorable child. *snaps out* Good day child.

Q: I have had a relationship with a guy for more than a year, and although it was a long distance relationship we could manage it quite well. Both of us were quite happy. But problems arose when we met. He being a guy expects a lot from me, you know. But I just don’t know why when it comes to love making or getting closer to him, I become very scared or skeptical and just don’t allow anything to happen. And this at times irritated him, which led to some forceful actions from his side. Can u help me with this? It’s not that I don’t trust him. It’s just that I dont feel comforatble with all this.

Please give me some answer!

Ans: You girl are doing absolutely well in the relationship. Now look, I have always firmly believed that a close physical contact with a person, for someone your age, is a huge deal. If you’re sane and not stoned or drunk, you will very obviously think and analyze the consequence of an action as big as this. Your partner might expect a lot from you, but you have the right to get close to him at your own convenience. It’ll in fact be extremely worthless if you do it without emotion. If you’re scared and skeptical, it’s best to maintain distance till you’re led into comfort. Don’t put the blame on him completely because he might be rightly expecting the initiation of a physical relationship keeping in mind the duration of your relationship. But doing anything leading to discomfort is pointless. You can try and prepare yourself by sorting out your priorities. But do think before you act child. It’s old advice, but all the better for it!

Q: Periods are a pain. I know a lot happens during this time of the month but I’ve started to get diarrhoea. Why this now?

A: Arrey for this one I had to do so much research. Went to the libraries, stood on those ancient stool and didn’t fear falling. It was fun. Thank you, question woman.

Ok, so this is what  Ifound out. You have to sit back and blame it on natural chemicals called prostaglandins. Now these are responsible for the uterine contractions that help expel blood from your body. Prostaglandins also trigger contractions in your bowels, resulting in diarrhoea — particularly during the first few days of your flow. To stop the runs, pop an anti-inflammatory painkiller. These over-the-counter drugs reduce prostaglandin production, so you’ll still have a regular period yet won’t have to hightail it to the toilet as often. And try to consume bland, plain foods like white rice, bread, and bananas, which help prevent loose stools.

That’s all i got for you. Now I got to go and spray some Volini on that muscle pull i got after i tripped off the stool at the library. See you folks!

Q: Tell me something amma. Am  I prone to more vaginal infections when I’m in a relationship because I wouldn’t like to believe that I’m that unhygienic. Please tell me I’m not.

A: What is that you people say, LOL? Yes, I would like to ‘lol’ at this one. Such funny ideas people get. But you know what? I should stop ‘lol-ing’ . During sex, the man can actually propel rectal bacteria present near your vaginal opening into your urethra. But that’s not very grave an issue. All you need to do is wash your genital area with soap before you hit the sheets. That’ll kill the bacteria. And since you already are very hygienic, I’m sure you’re doing that already! There, problem solved!!

Q: I’m in a serious problem. I was very stupid to have sex without protection. It all happened in a hurry. How soon can I know whether I’ve contracted an STD? Please answer my question. Please. I am in a confused state of mind.

A: Oho child. Calm down. Take deep breaths. There’s a solution to everything in this world. So you needn’t worry one bit. Now you’ll need to wait about a month before getting tested for anything. To check for chlamydia or gonorrhea, your doc will take a sample, like a Pap Smear, results of which can be expected in a week. Even if the result is positive, you need not panic because both infections can be nixed with anti biotics. Remember that genital warts must get removed ASAP! For anything major like HIV you must get a blood test done to seek appropriate diagnose. The results take about four days. But you really shouldn’t worry. Learn a lesson however. It’s not for nothing that everyone keeps harping about using a condom. It’ll cost a lot less and save you all the tension. Good luck

Q: Whenever I’m menstruating, I get very exhausted. I mean a regular trip to the college and back also seems like a Herculean task. Why does this happen? Is it a sign of abnormality in my system. I hope not.

A: I can guarantee you that lethargy during periods is the second most common thing in the world. The first being sexual intercourse. Aiyo! It’s a joke. Please give me a horrible giggle. Ogay so scientifically, you get exhausted because of a plunge in the level of estrogen (a hormone? yes, a hormone,girl!). So it’s a cyclic process and your energy levels get revived in a few days. Now since Anemia is like a regular disease these days, fatigue setting in for more than that short period should , in all sanity, ring a warning bell. A sluggish thyroid could be another cause. But don’t get hyper and start getting all sorts of tests done. If the exhaustion exhausts, then it’s only asking you to relax. So “take a pill, a chill pill”. Bai bai!

Q. I sometimes use my boyfriend’s razor. Is it safe?

A: Owlright now. If your boyfriend your man has cold sores, warts or hepatitis B or C, the virus could very well be living in his razor. And, conzequently when you use it, the viral villains can comfortably invade your bloodstream from shaving. Wait wait, there’s more. Hepatitis B and C, which just by the way can easily slip into your body via sex, needn’t necessary produce outside symptoms. So, you or your guy could be unknowingly infected.  Haha. Funny thought. To play it safe, avoid using any items that could harbor small amounts of his blood also, ( wait for it) including toothbrushes and nail clippers.

“Therefore”, there’s a lot of risk involved. So why not date a rich guy who can buy you lots of razors. Nice idea, isn’t it?

Q: Why do I get insane cravings when I’m PMS-ing? It makes me feel like a pregnant woman when I tell my friends that I’m craving for chocolates BECAUSE I’m in that phase of the month. Amma, it’s freaking me out. Please help.

A: Now you need to take a deep breathe, not once but twice (or thrice) and blame what the learned call the “brain chemical serotonin”, a natural mood stabilizer, levels of which plunge during the the days before menstruation. And as a result of this, your body becomes this stubborn *bad word* which desires certain foods, particularly those high in carbs, to help pump up the serotonin supply. Now let me come to “why chocolates?”. The thing here is that many women tend to reach out for nutritionally deficiently high-fat carbs like ice cream and cookies. They make the levels wavy because they first boost and then quickly sink the levels of the chemical, leaving you jonesing for more of the same junk. So munch on low fat complex carbs and you’ll be fine. Those “pretzels” and “whole-grain crackers” will satisfy your cravings for sure. AND, they’re easily available in every Indian household, now aren’t they? Lawl Lawl. This is amma saying, good bye and have a ball.

Q: The other day, my boyfriend called me by the name of another woman while we were in bed. I got very pissed off. But he swore he didn’t even know anyone by that name. Is it a big deal? I want you to help me get this off my mind.

A: Arey! These boys can do all these insensitive things. But my”sister from another mother” (oh well, it didn’t rhyme after all), it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s sneaking behind your back. Let me tell you a secret. Whisper it in your ear, better still. During sex, guys’ brain powers down to the level of a monkey- a stupid monkey to be more precise. So a mental lapse leading to the blurting of a random name is hardly outside the realm of possibility. If he’s fantasizing about a celebrity or the new girl in his class, then obviously you have nothing to be thrilled about but it’s definitely not cheating either. You know what could help. One, you could concentrate on making more eye contact with him. In the likely situation that it doesn’t work , you can adopt more drastic measures. You’d prefer teasingly calling him Ranganathan or Swami in an attempt to make him realize his mistake.

Q: I’ve just come to DU and I have made a new boyfriend. But he has BO (umm down there). He looks like a bit of a hippie so I’m not sure whether he’s careful about his hygiene and stuff. I want to get this across to him politely. How should I do that?

A: I can very well imagine how big a turn off it must be for you, young lady. It’s actually a little tricky because you can’t really tell him that his private parts smell like fish, now can you. Even if you do phrase it in a little hoity-toity manner, he will be embarrassed. 

Since you can’t always stick to breathing through your mouth, i shall give you some rather nice alternatives. Like you have “dadima ke nuske”. Yes, yes very much on those lines. Initially you could do with gifting him scented lotions or who knows, rub it on him yourself. Being naughty is never out of bounds! But that of course is a short-term solution and in most cases with a result not guaranteed. So try appealing to his vanity. What I mean is, try telling him how sexy groomed, trimmed and squeaky-clean guys are. I mean the hippie really has to have a hollow brain to not get a hint after this. So, don’t worry, be happy.

Q: Is it alright if most people around me shave hair “down there” and I don’t? 

A: Yes, not some but most girls these days want to shave off all their hair “down there”. Oh! if you noticed, hair and there rhyme!. But I should only stick to being sex amma, I know. Ya, so is it a good idea? Sure, it’s definitely okay to get rid of unwanted hair that might poke out of your bathing suit, but do you need to remove all of it? I would think not. In fact, girls who remove all of their Mons hair can develop skin infections that become big abscesses full of pus. Ewww and ouch! Girls who shave all of the hair around their vaginal openings can also get skin infections, but more often, they develop skin irritation from vaginal discharge.  See, when you have hair around the vaginal opening, it helps absorb and remove the discharge to keep it from sticking to your skin. Vaginal discharge has Ph (a chemistry thing) that can irritate the skin. SO the basic lesson is that it’s fine to trim any hair, ANYWHERE. And, trim means to cut or shorten and not shave completely!

Q: Does everyone have one breast which is heavier than the other?

A : We women can never stop bothering about our “body parts”, can we? Yes breasts do deserve a little attention. Boys and media give them enough attention, so we will too! Yes, they come in all shapes and sizes, and no two are exactly alike, including your two! Lopsided!? Well, join the club. It’s the case with most girls and women but it’s not very noticeable until you look closely. And, if yours are more lopsided than you think they should be, then maybe you should pay your gynae a visit!