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Dear Amma,

I believe I am not made for monogamy as I have a tendency to always look for companionship outside of my relationship. Is there something wrong with me? What do I do? 

Oh, dear Idli

Relationships, loyalty and boundaries are always better when well-established. Exactly how there is no perfect recipe to the exotic Sambhar, there is no one perfect recipe to relationships. My Uttapam, who said monogamy is the sole gold standard of relationships? 

Amma doesn’t approve of breaking someone’s heart or infidelity. If monogamy is not who you are, why not talk to your partner? Like the idli batter has to be of the right proportion, you too must establish the appropriate base. Communicate with them and express your dilemma, if polyamory or open relationship seems like an ideal dish to them, why not try it out? Historically, like masala dosa being a total favourite, monogamy has never been one. 

Macchi, like every well-made dosa-sambhar, every relationship should establish their boundaries. If your partner approves of your new dish of open relationship, devour it together. If not, re-think your choices, either learn to control the urge or establish a consensual common ground. Amma believes that all acts of love should be consensual. Ensure that your partner doesn’t lose trust and belongingness towards you. 

Unlike science, no one law fits all love. It takes years of understanding, compatibility and love to bring a new change, to make a new start. Amma would be disappointed if my little idli broke someone’s heart.

However, do not self-question yourself, you might feel that you are wrong, insufficient or morally incorrect. Believe when Amma says, you are not. Monogamy or Polyamory, it should always be consensual and pre-established.

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma
[email protected]

 

Dear Amma, if I indulge in casual dating, does it give me the tag of a ‘fuck boy’?

Casual dating! Ahhh you know, this is one of Amma’s favourite term when it comes to a conversation about intimacy and stuff related to it. My lovely medu vada, let me tell you one thing when it comes to casual dating, consent and a mutual approval is of utmost importance.
Having a Rava idli just to have its top garnishes of tomato and Kaju without informing her about your plans and intentions in the very beginning is what makes a low quality vada. But, having an idli who approves of your plans and herself wants to be had without sambhar or chutney is absolutely fine.

My dear dosa, the terms and conditions of a casual relationship vary from couple to couple. Owing to the complexity and a variety of flavors to be explored in the sambhar of sexual pleasure, some people desire to experience something else and others, something different. It entirely depends upon you and your idli’s mutual desires of pleasure that what you as couple wishes to experience and what not. Thinking and properly deciding everything beforehand is what Amma would suggest you if you are planning to have a casual bond with your idli.

The youth, often frustrated with the many commitments that the society makes them to have with themselves and their families, gets easily intrigued by casual dating and relationships, something which is not wrong. But, at the same time one should not forget that even casual dating comes with some basic human expectations and doesn’t provide any idli or vada with a liberty to spoil the flavour of cheer and contentment of their partners. So, my special medu be careful of never making your idli feel unworthy or gloomy in any respect, make sure the amount of satisfaction and joy that you get from your connection should be the same for your idli.
Amma recalls of you using the term ‘fuck boy’ in your question. My medu vada, a fuck boy is a vada in which the hole required for fitting a heart is absent and he continues breaking idlis just for the sake of his own pleasure, paying no regard to other’s emotions or feelings. But, if you follow Amma’s advice and properly converse about all your desires and pleasures you wish to seek, then you won’t fall in that category for sure. Often, people see getting casually involved as a crime or sin but trust your amma, anything that makes you happy, without stealing somebody else’s smile will not be falling in that critical category. So go ahead and turn your fantasies into reality.

(For more sex related queries, write to [email protected])

[email protected]

 

Dear Amma, I wanted to save having sex for a special occasion because it feels like too special of an activity while my partner feels we should do it as soon as possible. What do I do?

Dear idli, sex is built on one thing and that is communication. The first thing you and your partner should do for this act of dosa-making to go smoothly is communicate.

Sexual intercourse is an intimate act. In your amma’s days, she also had a lot of thoughts about it. While people’s opinions on it differ, what remains a fact is that it involves a lot of intimacy and trust. The first thing you need to think about is whether you are ready for dosa-making or not.

Some people attach emotions to this act and that is okay. Some people do not attach emotions to this act and that is okay too. You and your partner’s perception of it can be different and that is okay. Your partner not attaching any particular emotions to it doesn’t mean they like you any less and vice versa. Your partner just needs to respect your emotions and choices and vice versa.

It all boils down to two things- communication and trust.

The first step of making the sambhar is trust- Decide whether you trust them enough. The next step is communication- communicate with your partner about your feelings regarding sex and listen to what they have to say too. The two of you can then come to a mutually beneficial conclusion based on both your feelings. If they aren’t willing to listen and understand your choices, then you need to reconsider your relationship.

My dear, if you can freely communicate with them without any hesitation and have trust in them, then that is all that matters. Go for it only when you feel you’re ready.

Go make fun spicy sambhar with them and be sure to always stay protected!

 

Sex Amma

[email protected]

 

The coming of Indian Web Series in the market has sure created a buzz by talking about things never discussed before. This comes with both positive as well as negative effects.

The ever-growing popularity of internet has led to the increase in the viewership of visual content. Several applications have been created in the recent times to cater to the market of visual media. The emergence of web series, in this respect, is perhaps the most prominent effect time has had on visual media. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hotstar, etc, have also stepped into the field of creating content rather than just distributing; several Indian channels have also taken the form of applications or apps as we know them.

Since the internet offers a greater audience than any other mode of communication in today’s time, makers have also stepped into the field of creating content for the internet (various apps included). Indian web series have stemmed out, as a result; as a river for the sea of already existing content online. Interestingly, they are stepping away from the standards set by the daily soap opera culture. Western values hav a lot to do with this, of course, but the consequences are both positive and negative.

A second year student from SGTB Khalsa College says, “Nudity in Indian web series has been made possible, courtesy western drama. With them being open about these things, they are not a taboo completely by themselves. Same goes with the use of profanity.” It is true that the way sex is shown in the web series being made in India is a lot different than the way it is hushed about in the soap operas and that it is an effect of the western shows that are relatively open about such things. The release of Sacred Games (on Netflix) took the audience by surprise initially by its presentation of profanity and promiscuity. With the typical Anurag Kashyap lingo, Sacred Games created a huge buzz among the viewers. Shows like Criminal Justice (on Hotstar) or Delhi Crime (on Netflix) have resorted to showing the dark side of law and justice.

Series like Made in Heaven and Four More Shots Please (on Amazon Prime) have even taken up the issues of the LGBTQ community. But where these web shows have taken a positive turn into the tricky road of revolutionising the industry and creating a market of their own through presenting things that were not previously even considered to be presentable, they are also, in some ways, misrepresenting or wrongly showing the actuality of things. A third year student from Jesus and Mary College says, “I think Indian shows generally confuse ‘progressive thinking’ with sexual promiscuity and functional alcoholism which appears to be just the case nowadays.”

Where it should be duly acknowledged that we, as a society, lack even minimal formal sex education, it should also be realised that the accessibility of sexual content by young people may have more harmful consequences than one might expect. The way an immature mind perceives such sensitive issues can be easily measured by the number of minors participating in the act of raping girls and women on a daily basis. Therefore, though it is important to talk and represent the concerns regarding issues of sex, sexuality, alcohol, etc, it is also equally important to focus on the how(s), when(s) and why(s).  

Feature Image Credits : NDTV

Akshada Shrotriya

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In a time when college campuses are becoming hubs for discussions on topics like LGBTQ and gender rights, how far have our parents come in terms of having open discussions about sex to their college-going kids? How far has the Indian household come?

When I was little, I had once asked my Mom- “From where did I come?” and she answered with a smile that she prayed and so it happened. The conversation could have ended then, but I asked her another question in return. “Mama, don’t the nuns pray all the time; why don’t they get babies?” That question remained unanswered, and it does so years later as well.

The elephant in the room that is never addressed is the way Indian parents see sex. The sad reality is that parents never discuss sex with their children, and yet expect them to have already known all this through various media-based platforms. The ambiguity about it is so well-maintained that we never expect them to tell us either. The relationship shared among the coming-of-age teenagers, and their culturally and traditionally submerged parents is so drastically aloof from the western style of parenting that a lot of sensitive topics are left unmentioned.

A silent understanding is reached where the latter expects the first to be smart and efficient in understanding such matters, without ever making sure that it so happens. Indian parents generally shush such matters, and when they do arise unintentionally, then these topics are manipulatively buried beneath the carpet so as to keep the kids away from it. We all must have experienced that awkward moment when a kissing scene comes on television, and we don’t know what to do when with our parents around us. Sex-based conversations are sensitive, often offensive, and have materialised into taboos.

It becomes all the more problematic with girls, where they are forced to hide their love lives from their parents, and live in the constant fear of being caught and may even experience guilt about hiding secrets from them. Most girls in the Indian society are given regulated freedom to the extent that they can study and build a life for themselves, but the basic decisions and steps in it are controlled. A matter as private as physical intimacy is turned into a monstrosity, a sin that unmarried woman must not engage in. She is told to suppress her feelings as long as a stranger is not arranged for her to get married to.

Indian parents have surely become westernised, with their almost-addictive tendencies towards their smartphones, but they have somehow stayed traditionally conservative on topics like sex. This lack of discussion is not only unhealthy for the child, but also vicious because the child is, at times, left without guidance and ends up in trouble. The vicious cycle then continues where it is never okay to discuss sex, generation-after-generation, no matter how modernised we become.

Certainly, that is not the case with all parents and the trend seems to be shifting with time. But it is still gradual beyond liking, and it remains something that parents seem to not easily adapt. The spine-chilling pieces of news of honour killings of couples to protect the family’s societal image, and forced marriages of youngsters when found having a lover or a partner are nothing new to us.

It is important that families communicate openly, so that children realise the boundaries of consent, contraception, and even intimacy, and it is important for the parents to understand that sex is natural and normal. Breaking the taboo around sex is not only important for larger goals like population control, but for better family dynamics as well. Sex may be a topic that parents and kids both may be too shy to put forward. But it is important as this would not only allow you to have such discussions in the future but would also allow them to see you as adults. Thus, it’s up to us as individuals to take the stand. Psychologically, certain discussions a mandatory to happen if one desires development and growth. Sex, if not in our parents times, but at least in ours should be a topic that the future generations aren’t afraid to discuss.

Image Credits: Netflix

Image Caption: Stand-up Comic, Hasan Minhaj, explained the communication gap and taboo of sex in Indian families.

Stephen Mathew

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“If your partner is drunk and says yes to sex, but then passes out while you’re about to have sex– is it okay to proceed to have sex with them?”

2 journalists from the popular media house ‘The Quint’ were posing questions such as this to the students of DU on Wednesday as a part of their media house’s #MakeOutInIndia campaign. While two students got ready to answer their questions, a third party came in to raise doubts on the appropriateness of the topic and started falsely alleging the two journalists of instigating ‘innocent’ girls to answer their ‘immoral’ questions.

Yes, the third party was literally the party which won all the seats in the DUSU elections this time. Led by Satender Awana, DUSU president, supporters of ABVP (almost 20 in number) walked in and gheraoed the two female journalists and started asking them why they were asking ‘sex waale’ questions to ‘innocent by-standers’. ‘If these recordings are opened in public, no one will marry these girls’, one of the ABVP members proclaimed.

It would be a disgrace to even wonder whether what the journalists were doing was appropriate or not (the SHO of a police station in North Campus stated that the journalists were not committing any crime). The fundamental question that arises in this country every day, be it in this case or for the Dadri case or other matters of moral policing, is this: Is the opinion of the powerful equivalent to the law of the land? The occurrence raises a larger question and highlights the still naïve average mindset of our patriarchal country. At a time when we are seeing a sexual revolution which has grasped the young of this country to come out and talk about the subject, there are those who still want to hide this so called ‘taboo’ subject behind a pall.People still consider talking about sex in public as a sin and believe that it infringes upon their ‘traditional’ value structure.

According to several researches done in both India and abroad, it has been found out that the less we talk about sex, the more rampant are the crimes related to it, and that the more we educate people on sex, the rate of crime falls down significantly. Such scientifically-driven researches suffice to end the argument if it ever actually existed.

Another aspect which is appalling here is the fact that our country still shows abhorrent signs of a patriarchal mindset, highlighted by the recent incident mentioned above. While the ABVP members were not concerned about the marriage of the boy who answered the question, they felt ‘infuriated’ by the fact that such questions if let out in the open will hamper the marriage concerns of the girl who was answering them. How agonising is the fact that 15 years into the 21st century, some of us still think that a girl’s marriage depends on how ‘moral’ she has been in her life?

Brij Pahwa

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In one of its most revolutionary reforms till date, Delhi University has decided to introduce a compulsory sex education course from next year. In order to not upset parents and politicians with the “s” word and to respect Indian culture, the course will be called Hindi Sanskaars 101 and the curriculum will include texts on how to stay away from temptation and how to find the perfect heterosexual mate from your caste. Supplementary chapters on Chinese food and its effect on rape culture and the ill effects of live-in relationships for women in particular will be included. Though the entire course has not been disclosed yet, extensive beating about the bush, pun intended, is to be expectedwith diagrammatic discussion on the reproductive systems of plants.

Whether it will be in the form of a qualifying, allied or credit course is yet to be decided by the administration but it has been declared that there will be a 75 mark theoretical paper and 25 marks worth of internal assessment. “Delhi University has always been a very liberal and progressive university. It is time to accept that youngsters of today are very modern and it is important for us tomake them aware of and prepared for the consequences of wearing shorts”, said an abstaining member of the administration, Pyaare Hilaake.

Contrary to the implementation of the FYUP or the CBCS, the initial response from student and teacher bodies has by and large been positive. A member of a student body, who has previously participated in the outrage against the Kiss of Love movement welcomed the new course and said, “Students need to be made to realise that sex is impure and only married couples can partake in this sin without compromising on our values. Personal liberty and consent have no place in our culture.”

Disclaimer: Bazinga is DU Beat’s weekly column of almost believable fake news. We firmly believe sex education should be made mandatory for youngsters, not Hindi Sanskaars 101, but the kind that talks about contraception and safety.

In one of its most revolutionary reforms till date, Delhi University has decided to introduce a compulsory sex education course from next year.

In order to not upset parents and politicians with the “s” word and to respect Indian culture, the course will be called Hindi Sanskaars 101 and the curriculum will include texts on how to stay away from temptation and how to find the perfect heterosexual mate from your caste. Supplementary chapters on Chinese food and its effect on rape culture and the ill effects of live-in relationships for women in particular will be included. Though the entire course has not been disclosed yet, extensive beating about the bush, pun intended, is to be expected with diagrammatic discussion on the reproductive systems of plants.

Whether it will be in the form of a qualifying, allied or credit course is yet to be decided by the administration but it has been declared that there will be a 75 mark theoretical paper and 25 marks worth of internal assessment. “Delhi University has always been a very liberal and progressive university. It is time to accept that youngsters of today are very modern and it is important for us to make them aware of and prepared for the consequences of wearing shorts”, said an abstaining member of the administration, Pyaare Hilaake.

Contrary to the implementation of the FYUP or the CBCS, the initial response from student and teacher bodies has by and large been positive. A member of a student body, who has previously participated in the outrage against the Kiss of Love movement welcomed the new course and said, “Students need to be made to realise that sex is impure and only married couples can partake in this sin without compromising on our values. Personal liberty and consent have no place in our culture.”

Disclaimer: Bazinga is DU Beat’s weekly column of almost believable fake news. We firmly believe sex education should be made mandatory for youngsters, not Hindi Sanskaars 101, but the kind that talks about contraception and safety.

Image Credits- psytreasure.com