Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.
Question: Amma, I often feel less pretty and feminine than the girls around me. Coming to DU has made me especially conscious of my appearance, clothes, and body. I don’t even want to wear makeup, but I feel like I should. I want to be liked by boys, but I feel shallow when I get that feeling, and then I worry that no one will ever like me. How do I get rid of these thoughts?
My dearest Kanna,
First of all, wanting to be noticed does not make you shallow. Who among us has not wanted someone to look at us and think, “Arey wah, she is lovely!” ? There is nothing shameful about wanting affection, attention, or romance; it is only troubling when we start equating affection with proof of us being worthy of love!
And child, repeat after me: EVERYONE. IS. DIFFERENT. Everyone! There are just so many things about you that the other person will simply not have—the way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you tell stories, the things you know, your strange little habits, your sense of humour, the list goes on and on and on. Why are you trying to win a competition where every contestant is supposed to look exactly the same? Do you realise what a boring competition that would be!
The thing is, you have been handed a very strange bargain: be pretty enough, “feminine” enough, thin enough, stylish enough, effortless enough, and perhaps somebody will choose you. And when nobody does, you are expected to look in the mirror and conclude that you have failed. Hmph! Very convenient arrangement for everyone except women. You say the girls around you are “effortlessly pretty”. Effortlessly? Kanna, please. There is an entire industry making billions from convincing women that their faces, bodies, clothes, and hair are never quite right. Makeup, clothes, diets, skincare, haircare, procedures; all that, and we are still expected to look as though we woke up “effortlessly pretty”.
But kanna, you do not have to become better at “being a woman” in order to deserve feeling like one. You don’t know how to do makeup? Fine. You don’t want to do makeup? Still fine! If you would rather leave the house with your face exactly as it is, go right ahead, child. Spend the leftover energy cultivating your own persona instead: read things that interest you, make friends who make you laugh until your stomach hurts, learn something difficult, try things and fail at them, become the sort of person you would want to spend time with. There is only so much a person can find attractive about a face before they need someone interesting to talk to. Tell me, would you be okay being friends with someone who looks pretty, but is rude to puppies? Because I certainly wouldn’t!
I know, I know what you’re saying—“Amma, very easy for you to say, you’re one sexy lady!” And you are right, kanna, these thoughts do not disappear because Amma has given you one nice, Sandeep Maheshwari-inspired paragraph. So, in the meantime, prioritise your friendships, surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, give yourself things to look forward to, prioritise growth!
As for the boys? Let them come when they come. Their attention can be lovely, but, kanna, it is a terrible measuring tape. You are allowed to want to be desired without making desirability the proof of feeling worthy. Ask yourself instead: why must I look conventionally attractive at all times to feel worthy of taking up space? Why must I be desirable to feel feminine? Why must a man’s attention tell me anything about myself? And perhaps try to notice when your mind starts turning other women into a measuring stick for yourself—you can think someone is beautiful without making their beauty evidence against your own! You can admire the girl in the perfect outfit and then go back to enjoying your chai. Life is too short, and frankly, Delhi weather is too unpleasant, to spend all of it conducting a beauty pageant in your own head, hahaha.
Now go eat something sweet, and call your friends. Amma has spoken enough.
With all my love,
Sex Amma
Write to Sex Amma at [email protected]
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