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Sex Amma on the Desire to be Desired

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Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

Question: Amma, I often feel less pretty and feminine than the girls around me. Coming to DU has made me especially conscious of my appearance, clothes, and body. I don’t even want to wear makeup, but I feel like I should. I want to be liked by boys, but I feel shallow when I get that feeling, and then I worry that no one will ever like me. How do I get rid of these thoughts?

My dearest Kanna,

First of all, wanting to be noticed does not make you shallow. Who among us has not wanted someone to look at us and think, “Arey wah, she is lovely!” ? There is nothing shameful about wanting affection, attention, or romance; it is only troubling when we start equating affection with proof of us being worthy of love!

And child, repeat after me: EVERYONE. IS. DIFFERENT. Everyone! There are just so many things about you that the other person will simply not have—the way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you tell stories, the things you know, your strange little habits, your sense of humour, the list goes on and on and on. Why are you trying to win a competition where every contestant is supposed to look exactly the same? Do you realise what a boring competition that would be!

The thing is, you have been handed a very strange bargain: be pretty enough, “feminine” enough, thin enough, stylish enough, effortless enough, and perhaps somebody will choose you. And when nobody does, you are expected to look in the mirror and conclude that you have failed. Hmph! Very convenient arrangement for everyone except women. You say the girls around you are “effortlessly pretty”. Effortlessly? Kanna, please. There is an entire industry making billions from convincing women that their faces, bodies, clothes, and hair are never quite right. Makeup, clothes, diets, skincare, haircare, procedures; all that, and we are still expected to look as though we woke up “effortlessly pretty”.

But kanna, you do not have to become better at “being a woman” in order to deserve feeling like one. You don’t know how to do makeup? Fine. You don’t want to do makeup? Still fine! If you would rather leave the house with your face exactly as it is, go right ahead, child. Spend the leftover energy cultivating your own persona instead: read things that interest you, make friends who make you laugh until your stomach hurts, learn something difficult, try things and fail at them, become the sort of person you would want to spend time with. There is only so much a person can find attractive about a face before they need someone interesting to talk to. Tell me, would you be okay being friends with someone who looks pretty, but is rude to puppies? Because I certainly wouldn’t! 

I know, I know what you’re saying—“Amma, very easy for you to say, you’re one sexy lady!” And you are right, kanna, these thoughts do not disappear because Amma has given you one nice, Sandeep Maheshwari-inspired paragraph. So, in the meantime, prioritise your friendships, surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, give yourself things to look forward to, prioritise growth!

As for the boys? Let them come when they come. Their attention can be lovely, but, kanna, it is a terrible measuring tape. You are allowed to want to be desired without making desirability the proof of feeling worthy. Ask yourself instead: why must I look conventionally attractive at all times to feel worthy of taking up space? Why must I be desirable to feel feminine? Why must a man’s attention tell me anything about myself? And perhaps try to notice when your mind starts turning other women into a measuring stick for yourself—you can think someone is beautiful without making their beauty evidence against your own! You can admire the girl in the perfect outfit and then go back to enjoying your chai. Life is too short, and frankly, Delhi weather is too unpleasant, to spend all of it conducting a beauty pageant in your own head, hahaha.

Now go eat something sweet, and call your friends. Amma has spoken enough.

With all my love,
Sex Amma

Write to Sex Amma at  [email protected] 

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Sex Amma on Morality and Difference in Values

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating, and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

My partner does not care about global politics and conflicts. They believe thinking and caring are a luxury. How should I cope with this?

 

My dear Idli,

 

Understandably, you wish your partner cared about things that you care about. I see why they feel that caring about politics is a luxury—being able to actively think and debate about politics requires not just a level of education and access to information, but also stability in one’s basic needs. Many believe it doesn’t matter anyway, and that worrying about issues beyond their control is a wild goose chase, since they cannot change the circumstances in the world around them. Today, politics has become so polarised that these debates often only dissolve into empty rhetoric, personal attacks and acrimony between individuals. This lack of tolerance of opposing views is what makes these discussions seem futile, making people turn away and focus instead on more important things in their life, like family, friends and career, or just keeping themselves happy, and enjoying life. Well, added to this is a sense of disillusionment, that no matter who the sattadhaari is, their promises will always flop.

 

But my dear appam, what you must also know is that the opposite is quite true as well—truer still. Not caring about politics and conflicts around the world is itself a luxury. For many, politics is not a choice; it governs their lives, their rights, their well-being or even something as fundamental as their rights over their own bodies. We can choose to ignore the suffering of others, because of our privileged position in the society, where issues of poverty, sexism, casteism, climate change and other injustices don’t directly affect us; where we are not at the receiving end of oppression and marginalisation. In reality, everything is political—from the food you eat to the clothes you wear and to the media that you consume. So, one cannot be truly detached from politics, only blissfully oblivious. Political apathy is also dangerous. When you deliberately opt out of politics, let’s say, by choosing not to vote because you believe that your single vote does not matter at the end of the day, even while acknowledging that the system is flawed, you are actually turning your back on vulnerable groups, thereby reinforcing the status quo and pushing them towards a position of even greater disadvantage. Why let your voice go to waste when democracy and your position in society have given you both the right and privilege to speak and to create a more just, equitable and kind future? And Chikki, once you start paying attention, there’s no going back—your partner, too, would eventually realise that.

 

See, politics is important—even in a romantic relationship. A person’s political stance reveals a lot about them as a human being. Simply put, it is a mirror of their values, which will ultimately shape how they treat you in the relationship as well. Therefore, in my opinion, it is essential that you agree upon certain non-negotiable values. You cannot force your partner to think exactly like you or hold the same views as you, so respect differences. Communicate openly, give each other space and agree to disagree. However, you cannot agree to disagree on the non-negotiables—your core values. Protecting your peace and preserving your relationship should not come at the cost of giving up your values, for that will eventually only breed rancour between the two of you. Instead, hold on to what has shaped your identity, guided your decisions, and given your life meaning over these years. Staying true to these values will not only strengthen you, but also your relationship by bringing honesty and creating a space for deeper respect and understanding between the two of you.

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected]

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Sex Amma on Feeling or Not Feeling

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

Question: Amma, I haven’t caught feelings for anyone romantically in my life. Am I a bad person for not feeling love? Does it stem from my own incapability to love people?

My Dearest Idli,

Ah, Amma sees your conundrum, I remember my youthful days all too well. Our favourite Bollywood RomComs have successfully played with all our minds. Let me tell you that they all lie to you kanna.

There is no one way to live the “ideal life.” It does not necessarily come with a romantic paper. You are exploring your identity, and that is a beautiful thing. Gender, love, and identity exist on a vast spectrum-there is no single path to follow.

You may be aromantic or asexual, or maybe the person meant to be your vada just hasn’t arrived yet. There is no need to place yourself in a box. So no, you are not incapable of love. You’re simply learning to name the kind of love you carry.

Your heart may bloom differently. Maybe with friendship. Maybe with creative fire. Maybe with solitude. All are worthy. All are real.

My dearest idli, never ever undermine yourself – take some time, kanna, to sit with yourself, to reflect, to just be. The right things will come along, and you shall be okay. Sending you all the love and payasam, hoping to see you soon.

 

Love,

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma on Loving a Friend

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

Question: Amma, I seem to have caught feelings for my best friend, however it appears to be largely platonic from their end, how do I proceed with it?

My Dearest Baccha,
Ah, Amma sees the tempest in your soul, not every dynamic fulfils the stereotypical bollywood formula of pyaar dosti hai, however worry not, for every twist has a way to untangle.

As of right now, Kanna, you stand at a crossroad of emotional resolve, any path that you choose to walk upon yields an uncertainty.

One path leads to divulging the knots of your heart, while the other has you hoping that your fervors will eventually find a way to move on.

However before you choose the route, steadfast over the inklings, like making the perfect Pongal, you just need a right balance of mind and heart.

My doting loli, in this web of perplexity, remember to prioritize your own mental and physical health over all the questions badgering you.

Here’s the sunny side up to the situation; with the wisdom and maturity I know my Kanna has, matter what happens, you’ll still have a friend at the end of it all.

In the weighing scale of platonic and romantic, it’s care and love that outweighs it all. Sending you all the pyaar and payasam, hoping to see you soon.

Love,

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma

Sex Amma on Emotional (Un)availability

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

 

Question: I am physically attracted to someone but he is emotionally attached. What to do?

My dearest Kanna,

Isn’t this the ultimate conundrum of life? You fall for people who aren’t even available to fall for you. And no, it isn’t your fault. As they say, “pyaar soch samajh kar nhi kiya jaata… bas ho jata h.” The silver lining to your misery? That it is only physical attraction. Trust amma, you don’t want to find yourself in the raita that is love.

Well, amma also has her teaching moments. You know how they say “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder,” right? Well, that’s true kanna, but if their beauty is the only thing that has you attracted to them, it can’t go further than your regular short-term fling (obviously with a side of emotional baggage that you would be left with).

Imagine this person and take away their sundarta and all that physical beauty that has you attracted to them. What are you left with? Just an emotionally unavailable person, my dearest. Even if you could have them, they can’t give you the love that you deserve. And let me tell you dhono, you deserve so much more love than this world can even hold.

So if you listen to your amma, don’t wait around for them. They are pining over someone else and you deserve to not pine over them. Regardless of what you are looking for—a short winter fling, a one-night stand, or just someone to share a cup of chai with in this dilli ki sardi, this person is probably not going to be that for you anytime soon.

Go on out and download those dating apps, or talk to new people if you want that old romance, but don’t wait around for a story that might not even happen. Put yourself out there, be clear about what you want, communicate, and find someone who wants you in the same way that you want them. And kutty, save yourself from the raita just waiting to be spilled.

 

Love, 

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma on Starting Conversations

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

 

Question: How to start a conversation with a random girl you like?

My dearest,

“Man is by nature a social animal,” said some great man (pardon my memory with names kanna) but I believe they forgot to package us with an instruction manual on how to actually be social. I see you kids tick-ticking on those phones of yours while you sit in the same rooms and at the same tables. I see you not talking and then crying over how you have no one to talk to. But that isn’t it, is it? Back when I was young, then also these people had no idea how to approach someone. Well, what are you to expect from a generation whose movies tabooed even kissing (oh, those poor violated flowers).

But you young kids of the new generation have it so much better. Things are so much more open and talked about now. So frankly, the only thing I can tell you is that the only way to have a conversation is to just have one. Although kutty, don’t be one of those creeps who just won’t take a no for an answer or leave. When you do approach someone, remember the three Rs: Respect, Realize, and Retreat (if required)— respect their space, their time, and most importantly, their response; realize if the conversation is not going in the direction you wanted it to or if you’re making them uncomfortable; and please, please don’t come off as a hyperactive serial killer but just retreat if they don’t seem okay with the conversation. 

I know these Bollywood movies taught you uski na mein bhi haan hai but trust me when I say that’s not the case. Everyone appreciates a compliment. Everyone appreciates respect. Lead with that. Know your limits and theirs. Don’t do anything amma won’t approve of. I know it takes a lot of guts to talk to your one true love (of the moment) but you don’t want to leave them emotionally scarred for life. 

So live, laugh, love, do whatever you want, but just don’t do it at the expense of others. Remember kanna, life is short but you aren’t going to find the love of your life by being chep.

Love, 

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Sex Amma on Friendships and Toxic “Love”

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Sex amma

Providing guidance to the students of DU since 2008 on matters of sex, dating and intimacy, Amma is back again this week with her dose of advice.

 

Question: My best friend is getting into a very toxic relationship and somehow she can’t see it. Do I make peace with it or should I go beyond my way to stop her, because it is affecting our friendship?

My dearest idli,

Maturity comes both with age and experience, but in relationships there is no real expertise and you might make new mistakes every time. For starters, give your bestie, a suitable space to have her own opinions. There is no problem between two friends that cannot be solved without talking, so have a serious chit-chat session over chai or hot chocolate. Be open towards hearing her opinion and also try to understand her stance as to why this relationship is so important to her. Instead of focusing on your perspective of the relationship, try to see how she perceives it.

Your Amma would always tell you to let out the feelings. Keeping things bottled up would only make you feel nauseous and uncomfortable. So, try to confront her about your feelings and understand her point of view. I know, it is often difficult to directly express your feelings, but believe me kanna, it’s the best solution to get out of any mess. There is no mess that can’t be cleared with a heartfelt conversation along with good food and coke. Don’t make the same mistake as me of creating an ego wall and acting all cool with a no-fucks-given attitude. Take my word, it only makes things worse.

If even after this serious conversation, she can’t see the “toxic” side, it is for you to understand, my dear macchi, that you can’t take over the decisions of her life. It is ultimately on her to understand the dynamics of her relationship. You can simply be there for her. But being there is very different from being a “nosy” friend. I know, my kutty, that you are worried about her but we can’t impose our opinions on others. I think this is the best thing I have learnt from Gen Z, the concept of giving space, to realise and to learn. So don’t stress yourself out, you won’t lose your friend with your words. Trust the process and trust your friend (even if that means trusting things you don’t approve of).

Love,

Amma. 

 

Want to ask Amma a query? Mail it to [email protected].

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Features

To Second-Years, Please Listen

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Here’s a note from our Editor-in-Chief for the second-year students as they shed their layers of freshness to enter the second year; with (in) experience.*

With the hump of an adventurous (read: chaotic) first year coupled with the exhilaration and exhaustion that college life brings, congratulations on making it to the second year. Hurray! I know it has been tough for each of you with unlearning age-old habits and stepping into an entirely new realm of customs, traditions, and most importantly, individuals. I’m glad to see you doing the best you can. I’m proud of you.

I would be lying if I said that the second year would be more or less similar to the first year. No. For every student irrespective of the differences that exist, the second year would arrive at your doorstep with an eerie silence followed by a thunderstorm. You’ll find yourself trapped in the cage of stress, all thanks to the curriculum consisting of five subjects along with the rat race to expand your LinkedIn profile. Because, well, college is all about hustling, right? No matter how much I want to disagree but this is the sad reality. Experiencing a burn-out will be inevitable, unfortunately.

This is what I would like to tell you via the medium of this editorial. When you will be swarmed by countless assignments with deadlines that always make an appearance a day before and (sad)istic internships that make you churn out every bit of your skill, take a break. I acknowledge the need for personal growth during college life but at the same time, don’t throw yourself into the maze of productivity only to give birth to mishmashes that literally drain your soul.

Take a break to lie down on the green fields of your college while the warmth of the autumn sun hugs you gently. Take a break to get acquainted with your classmates, know about their roots and grab a bite to eat at different (and affordable) places across Delhi. Take a break to resume the book that you had left unfinished owing to the offline semester exams. Take a break to stream ‘Masakali’ and dance your heart out while you breathe in the smell of (rare) Delhi rains. Take a break to remember and do what makes you happy. Or has hustling made you forget the little things that gave you joy?

In a nutshell, don’t deny yourself of the simple pleasures of life, dear junior. I empathise with the splashes of peer pressure that conversations and experiences tend to leave, however, balance is what is the need of the hour. Divide time between leisure and academics added with career pursuits. You cannot expect yourself to be at your best when you are burned out. Sorry, Bunny but rukna bhi kabhi kabhi zaroori hai oochi udaan ke liye.

*This article first appeared in our physical newsletter Volume 16, Issue 2. Don’t forget to grab your copy of the latest edition of our newspaper every Wednesday!

Read Also: Students of Gargi College Face Water Crisis

Featured Image Credits: alamy.com

Himasweeta Sarma

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DUB Speak

Role of Seniors in College Life

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As exciting it may sound, the transition from school to college can be equally daunting in the absence of proper guidance. Innumerable trajectories open up in college for youngsters, however eventually, many students end up feeling lost. This is where the role of a senior kicks in.

Who is a senior? A person, who is always willing to lend a hand, be it regarding academics or extracurricular activities. Seniors play the dual role of a friend and a mentor. They are the people who have been in your very shoes before you, therefore can empathize with your conundrums. They counsel you on what to study, how to study, projects to take up, internship opportunities, higher studies, and plain old personal problems amongst other things. They are an invaluable inventory of relevant information.

It is a well-known fact that one needs their seniors in college. This is something that we’re all well aware of even before we enter the campus life. In such an alien environment, it is good to have a voice of experience to consult to deal with changes and subjects.

The role of a senior in college is insurmountable. It is a senior who gives us the hacks to deal with that particular grumpy teacher. Seniors, from their inventory of experiences, share the tricks and techniques to deal with that particular tough paper. Besides, providing us with notes, our seniors sometimes go an extra mile to teach us tougher concepts in a subject.

Working with seniors while preparing for an event, can be a basic simulation of a corporate ecosystem. Teaming up with seniors to pull up events or projects helps us to understand the terms of working and instils basic etiquettes needed to be incorporated.

On an emotional level, seniors are better experienced than us in handling stress. They can figure out the sources of stress in most cases. They understand a junior’s position better than any other adult in a way since they are either going through it or recently gotten over it. Experience counts.

Keeping all the points under consideration, a junior must seriously consider building a good rapport with seniors. A fresher should join societies that interest him or her. Societies in colleges provide a platform and space for interaction among juniors and seniors. One should also be very active in department’s work and events. A junior should go an extra mile to initiate a conversation sometime and seek help on academic issues. Trips can be another exquisite way to help to bond with seniors easily.

We won’t live long enough to make mistakes and learn from it but we can be wise to learn from mistakes our seniors committed. Happy bonding with seniors!

 

Image Credits: Youth Ki Awaaz

Sandeep Samal

[email protected]

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DUB Speak

Few Pieces of advice from the seniors

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Freshers are excited as well as nervous when they enter college, oblivious to some extent as to what to expect besides fun, freedom and studies. Entering one of the most prestigious universities in the country is one big milestone to be accomplished. For the first years, it is a journey of learning new things and unlearning the old. College life is different from the easy going life of the school, here are your seniors giving you precious advice on college life and how to spend these wonderful three years of your life.

Shireen Manocha, Miranda House

It’s going to be hard. You’re in a new place with new people and in a new environment. There’s so much to learn, so much to explore and it’s going to be hard. So, give time time. Let things settle on their own. Try to know your own self. Try to do things on your own and eventually everything will fall into place.

Asmita Pandey, Gargi College

Being a fresher, you must prioritize balancing your budget in order to avoid useless expenditure

Vineeta Rana, Daulat Ram College

Make a conscious effort of getting out of your comfort zone. Not just once but repeatedly. Audition for a bunch of societies, experiment with fashion, work at internships, also try different classes.

Lakshya Chawla, Sri Venkateshwara College

Join a society to hone your skills. Besides, one can’t make memories just by attending classes. Also, choosing the right company of friends is very important.

Srivedant Kar, Cluster Innovation Centre

Try to figure out what you want in future and take small steps to achieve them while enjoying college life. Climbing the ladder is important but it’s more important to climb the right stairs.

Mansi Chawla, Indraprastha College for Women

My advice to outstation students would be to give themselves some time because it isn’t easy surviving alone. Learn to share your feelings with friends and don’t bottle them up. Be open to communicate and connect.

Feature Image Credits: aplaceformom.com

Prachi Mehra

[email protected]

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