The festival of colours is just around the corner and the country seems to be stocking up on colours and balloons already. A festival with a tagline such as “Bura Na Maano, Holi hai”, what could possibly turn into hooliganism, right? Wrong. Holi sees more than its fair share of rowdy-ism and some not-so-good moments. Here’s a list of the things that irk us mortals while the rest of the Indian populace rolls around in all sorts of stuff.

  1. Eve Teasing: Everyone knows it happens but they’re all too high with joy to put an end to it. It’s the perfect excuse for the not-so-friendly neighbourhood lecher to touch the pretty damsel he’s been eyeing for way too long at all the wrong places. If she protests, pat comes the reply, “Bura na maan, holi hai jaaneman”. It doesn’t help being surrounded by people who’re drunk on bhaang either.
  2. Bhaang Intoxication: That brings us to the next problem. It’s the one time during the year when you can be publicly intoxicated and nobody can say anything because well, “Holi hai, yaar. Aaj toh banta hai.”  And it’s no secret that ‘Bhaang’ stands for anything but just that. And that’s where the rowdy-ism exacerbates; people get into fights, wreck public property, the usual.
  3. The water balloons: Now, for those who’ve been at the receiving end of these, and most of us have at some point or the other, it’s been painful. But what’s more annoying is the fact that the onslaught starts well in advance of the festival and it tends to be indiscriminate. It could potentially ruin your entire day.
  4. Dirty Holi: It may be called the festival of colours but it isn’t just limited to colours. There are all sorts of stuff that are used ranging from eggs to mud and grease. And God knows that they just won’t come off.
  5. The sweet delicacies: Indian festivals are known for the awesome food that accompanies it. There has to be some incentive to tolerate all the annoying relatives, no? Holi is synonymous with the mouth watering Gujjias. Who can resist binging on them when there’s a platter laid out in front of you? But the reason they are on this list despite the shared love for them is because they don’t really let you forget the binging all that easy. ‘A moment on your lips, forever on your hips’, is that not what they say?
Photo Credits: cdn.memegenerator.net
Surya Rajappan

Dear Talent Hunt Shows,

This is to bring into focus your spectacular folly of investing millions of Rupees in search of talent in a country like India, where every nook and cranny has many pseudo-Mick Jaggers and Michael Jacksons. Holi, the festival of tubs filled with colours, hair with oil and stomachs with sumptuous delicacies, is the time when such creatures, or as some like to say dancers, step out of their hibernation shells. To find talented people, all you need to do is walk into any random alley on “Holi” Day. People can be found literally dancing their clothes away under the influence of, for the lack of a more sophisticated synonym, Bhaang.

Here is an assortment of peculiar dance forms that one is most likely to behold this Holi:

  • Kite-Flying Dance: On Holi, specimens generally found in blue, green, pink or red colour derive some sort of sadistic pleasure in miming the action of flying a kite, knees bent and teeth bared nastily. No matter why, no matter when, and no matter what the song is, the Kite-Flying dance form fits perfectly.
  • Snake-Dance: “If Holi comes, can Snake-dance be far behind?” never quoted P.B Shelley. Only people with a bold demeanour can perform this dance, or by all those who have bid farewell to their sensibilities. Maybe even those suffering from megalomania can join in, and that is almost everyone during Holi. It requires crawling, flexibility and a lot of space. Our streets have all of this to offer.
  • Traditional-Dance: While the above mentioned dance forms are the “maverick versions”, there are also conventional yet spiced up forms of shaking a leg. For example, fancy doing Dandiya or Bhangra to the beat of “Do me a favour….let’s play Holi….”
  • Bollywood-Dance: Now, this one comes naturally to the movie buffs. No sooner does the DJ play a bollywood song than the steps do a somersault and a back flip. The next thing we know-everyone is doing or trying to do the original step of the song.
  • Gangnam Style: This Holi will be different, all hail Psy! While the Holi celebrations shall begin normally, it is bound to turn uncivilized and super weird because of that “one” friend who just wouldn’t be able to keep his horse-riding prowess to himself/herself. In the end, it will all be the Gangnam Style epidemic.
  • Harlem Shake: This is the latest of all dance forms. Truth to be told, Harlem Shake is the cousin of the Indian Wasp Dance. Both are closely related to a severe level of Parkinson’s disease, characterized by uncontrollable shaking of arms and legs. However, is there a better way to burn off all those extra calories you gained by gorging on those fat Gujiyas?

This Holi, Choose a Step. Get Dancing!

Shreya Bhardwaj
[email protected]