Aries: Everyone in the theatre heard you whimper a curse at the Indian censorship board just at that exact moment when Eva Green and Sullivan Staplton were starting to get err…acquainted. Have you never hear of Blu-Ray, child?
Taurus: There is no need to worry about whether you will be able to complete all your assignments in time. I mean, the only rational reason for worrying is when you actually think you have even a slim shot at success, right? So don’t worry.
Gemini: The paper you are holding in your hand right now is our latest work on Nano technology. It can cook your meals, clean your rooms and most importantly do your homework. The only problem is that we ran out of budget just before we could add an ‘ON’ switch.
Cancer: Accepting your parents’ friend request in face book seems like a pretty good thing to do. At least it can help you break that single digit barrier in your friend’s list that has been bothering you for the past 7 years.
Leo: In an alternate universe you are a popular trend-setter with a charming personality. In case you experience a severe inflation of your nostrils and burning of the cheeks, for no apparent reason, please, reread the phrase – ‘alternate universe’.
Virgo: The planets are perfectly aligned to give your brain cells the creative boost they need. You will finally be able to think of an excuse to explain your late arrival in class other than the overused ‘I was stuck in traffic’ routine.
Libra: The letter you wrote, confessing your feelings for her, is really touching. Unfortunately you left it in between the pages of the assignment you just submitted. Keep a good excuse ready just in case the professor gets the wrong meaning out of it.
Scorpio: Today is bring-your-pet-tarantula-to-college-day. NO, I am not talking about your girlfriend. Sure she makes our skin crawl but dude not everything is about her you know.
Sagittarius: Go high profile this week. Throw on some jazzy clothes, some funky moves and sleazy pick up lines. You might just become the most popular troll in town.
Capricorn: It is better than you remain indoors at all times. It is highly probable that you will ruin the day for anyone who comes in immediate contact with you.
Aquarius: Beware! Your girlfriend will drag you to watch a full ‘Vampire Diaries’ re-run. Wearing a necklace made of garlic will not help.
Pisces: You know I had a pretty funny joke in store for you guys but it slipped my mind by the time I got here. Maybe I should start tattooing them on my body next time or better you should really try to be born under another constellation sign.