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Pornography through videos, images, and stories has been prevalent since time immemorial. Humans are inherently voyeuristic which has led to sex and pleasure being placed at the pedestal. Staring from the Kama Sutra to virtual reality porn, we surely have come a long way. 

Pornography with its several dimensions and categories has gradually developed into an extremely male-pleasure centric idea. With perfect bodies catering to the patriarchal idea of beauty, porn not only encourages a false set of reality and expectations, but it also paves the way to the idea of men being dominant and seeking pleasure in the suppression of women.

PornHub’s #4 most-watched video of the first week of January 2020 with over 4 million views is of a teen girl with her hands/feet shackled down, mouth gagged, penetrated with a machine and electrocuted. Several individuals objected to the very act and deemed as non-consensual, evoking violence and abuse.  However, the performer, Addee Kate, later clarified that it was consensual.

Manvi Jain, a student of Sri Venkateswara College says, “Understanding porn is extremely subjective because there are so many categories of porn. For instance, if you watch femdom, it’s more empowering as the woman is in charge and is not shown as an object. Whereas, if you watch BDSM or just plain vanilla, it portrays the woman as a mere sexual object.”

BDSM or Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism has been questioned and refuted as highly patriarchal and sexist towards all the performing genders. Seeking pleasure by evoking pain in others through torture is inherently leading to a dominant and submissive relationship where mostly, the male and female respectively take their positions.

Even though consent forms the ground rock of all sexual practices, why are porn and its categories considered demeaning? 

BDSM and degradation of women hang on a very thin thread. The difference between the two lies on a concept as simple as consent. It is essential to understand that dominating and choosing to be submissive is a choice, however, constant consumption of a similar kind of act, say, male domination over a female, implicitly states the normalised hierarchy in a heterosexual relationship.

Sneha Agrawal, a Journalism student says, “In porn, women come with the very heavy cost of losing control over how they’re being treated during the course of sexual activity. Porn normalises such treatment, where men inherently feel that it’s normal or alright if they behave in a certain manner, which is the most problematic part.” She continues talking about how porn serves as a ‘sexual guide’ to a large number of adults. The repercussions of which is, they assume whatever is being done to their partner in order to derive pleasure is normal.

On similar lines, Disha Arya believes BDSM to be inherently problematic and arising from a desire to control. “I dislike how rough sex is romanticised. I dislike how male domination and female submission is normalised. We as a society expect women to be submissive. Men are introduced to porn pretty young, seeing this as the norm, they believe that they’re the ones who are supposed to take control.”

Porn is inherently so male-centric that they had to make a separate category to cater to women’s needs under the banner of ‘porn for women’. In 2016, there was an increase of 168% in searches for lesbian and 218% in female-friendly. These numbers portray that mainstream porn clearly doesn’t cater to their XX chromosome audience. Talking of consent implying choice and desire, 64.6% want to be dominated as opposed to the 53.3% men.

 

Feature Image Credits: Goodreads

 

Anandi Sen

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Dear Amma, I have been in a relationship with my man roughly for two years now and I really want to try erotic spanking with him but, I just do not know how to convey it to him. I have a fear of making him feel grossed out or getting judged as a masochist. What shall I do Amma?

Oh my dear idli,

Amma also in her days of youth with her hormones raging like boiling sambhar felt an urge to try everything. Coming out from the chachh of nostalgia, my little macchhi, first of all, calm down.I want to assure you that there is nothing to feel grossed out regarding your desire. My spicy idli, spanking can range from being something fun and flirty to being severe and painful. Your choice completely depends on what fits best for you and your Vada.

Now, coming to your issue of conveying it to your vada, see idli just like in every other sexual activity, consent of both the partners is the most important. Do not be afraid to open up to your lover, remind yourself it’s just him, be honest and open about everything you have in your mind. Try creatinga spicy mood and then proceed by asking about his wildest fantasies, and then slowly and gradually reveal yours. Who knows, he might replace the common coconut chutney with the same tangy tamarind. But keep one thing in mind, if he snorts his nose or wrinkles his forehead or you smell any kind of judgmental vibe after revealing your true self, then let me tell you idli, your Vada is not as crisp as you think it is.

Another thing you should keep in mind is machhi, that if anywhere in between you think the pain, instead of giving you pleasure is inflicting tension and depriving you of your comfort, don’t shy away from stopping your partner then and there. So, enough of information, now go ahead and let the spanks add spices to your sambhar making it taste the Heaven and don’t forget to tell the entire tale to your Amma.

(Write to Sex Amma at sexamma@ dubeat.com to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

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Dear Amma,

My partner and I are trying to spice up our relationship and not just with the ‘25 way to spice up your sex life’. We want more than vanilla sex, they want to try BDSM, I am pretty apprehensive about how it works, should I still give it a try? 

My dearest Macchi,

You have come to the right place, your Amma loves to give a try to everything interesting in life, consensually. BDSM or  Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism is an umbrella term for different types of kinks. You might have watched 50 Shades of Grey, even though it portrays BDSM in a different light, yet brings a lot of limelight along. Remember, before any perfect dosa making, the batter has to be rightly made, BDSM is just experimenting with the perfect dosa making recipe keeping in mind that everyone likes it. 

Idli, BDSM runs on a very consensual, non-judgemental and respectful ground. My favourite word is chutney, so diverse and spicy, you should have a favourite word too as a safe word to let your partner know what is not working for you. The entire point of BDSM is seeking-pleasure, words like Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism might make you feel more apprehensive. Everyone has different kinks, some might like choking, for some spanking, others might be into flagellating, whips, chains and clamps.

However, it is important that you trust your partner whole-heartedly. Idli-Sambhar, it  should be rightfully discussed and flavoured meeting both of your hunger and preferences. After-care is an essential part where both of you talk about it and discuss whether the salt was of the right amount or not. Many might find some of the acts demeaning or disrespectful like Amma’s friends do of Amma’s kinks. Remember idli, all kinks must be respected; some like their sambhar extra spicy, some like it mild. There shouldn’t be any shame in being a Sub (the one who is submissive), Dom (the one who is dominant), or a Switch (one who switches between both receiving and giving). There are rooms for exploring oneself called playrooms (as Grey called) or dungeons, where one can indulge in safe, sane and consensual sex. 

All of this might sound too heavy; inflicting pain as pleasure, varied kinks, dungeons, however, it is important to know what both (or all) of you like. Establishing a safe space is crucial, all the more relevant in a kink which involves humiliation. Macchi, don’t overthink, fret or feel scared; read, research, know what both of your favourite dishes are and dive in!

Remember, everything has a first time and write back to Amma on how you liked it or not. 

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma
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