Sex Amma

Sex Amma: On Understanding Sexuality

Dear Amma,

Over the past couple of years, I have made out with a bunch of guys but I have never really enjoyed the experience. I also know for a fact that I’m not attracted to girls. Does this mean I’m asexual?

Dear Macchi,

I understand your troubles of not enjoying the experience of kissing someone, but that alone is not sufficient to coin yourself as “asexual”. It is perfectly normal to feel this way and it does not amount as an argument to any conclusion. I myself have had my fair share of lousy kisses, but you don’t think I’m at all asexual, do you?

Little idli, very often it is possible that the reason one doesn’t enjoy kissing someone is due to lack of an emotional connect. Kissing, sometimes, may be the onset of a very romantic relationship between two people, which is why without such romance, kissing becomes less enjoyable. This is often seen among demisexuals. You must think about how you feel about these guys emotionally, romantically, and my dear dosa, physically. But remember, my chutney, love doesn’t necessarily involve physical proximity. Many couples share perfectly healthy, romantic relationships without any physical involvement.

Kissing, in Amma‘s opinion, is very subjective to the person you’re with. The guy may be highly attractive and charming and yet be a sloppy kisser, which, my jalebi, can be a huge turn off! You need to figure out how you wish to be kissed.

Asexuality, my chutney, is the lack of sexual attraction towards anyone. It does not, however, indicate a lack of romantic attraction, for instance in the case of a biromantic asexual. There are many elements that make up one’s sexual identity. Asexuality or sexuality isn’t black and white. It’s an entire grey area; there aren’t only 50 Shades of Grey, you know? One may feel closer towards being asexual than most sexual people. They are often called grey-sexual.

So you see, my uttapam, it is not easy, or even necessary, I feel, to box yourself under one identity. You may be a biromantic or demisexual, but at the end of the day, you need to decide how a person makes you feel and just go with your instincts. How we are physically or romantically attracted to someone may be understood over time through experience. Try to step out of the bubble of a single identity and allow your mind to be free. Do what makes you feel right. Even if there is no sexual attraction, there is nothing wrong with it, as I mentioned before. If you don’t enjoy kissing someone, then you don’t kiss that someone. It’s your choice what you decide your sexuality to be. Just respect your attraction or lack thereof. All the best in your future encounters of spilling some hot sambhar, or not spilling it.