Bazinga: Ex- FYUP students accept being DU’s guinea pigs, threaten to apply for animal rights

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Disclaimer: Bazinga is DU Beat’s weekly column of almost believable fake news!

Although the Four Year Undergraduate Programme has been rolled back from the University of Delhi, the students of the only FYUP batch are finding it hard to trust the Indian education system. Reportedly, in a press conference held at the Faculty of Arts, North Campus on Monday, July 7th, 2014 the students have accepted the rumor of them being mere guinea pigs of the university. “It’s dawning upon us only now,” said, the student representative while addressing the media conference.

“For years we kept complaining about the ruthless academic experiments being performed on us, be it the implementation of CCE at the metric level by CBSE  or FYUP at college level by the University of Delhi. We’ve wondered why absolutely no one ever came to our aid until now. But now we realize we were meant for such experiments. We are the toy soldiers, like the martyrs, our sacrifice shall bring fortunes to the generations to come, as they won’t have to face this.”  he added, as he slightly choked.

Taking on from there, another representative said that the batch hoped they had served well the purpose of trial and error for Delhi University. “We expect the newly imposed programme to be fit or ‘human students’ and are hopeful that the University and Government might actually care about us now.” said

However, the students also made it clear that no further exploitation would be tolerated. “So what we are made to believe we are animals, we are well aware of our rights. The 54,000 of us guinea pigs have done what we were born for and it is a fulfilling experience, but this needs to stop before it is too late.” said Rotlu Singh, a FYUP student.

The students have sent delegations to prominent animal rights activists like Maneka Gandhi communicating their concerns. They’ve been assured that their dignity and safety would now be taken care of. “The Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act, 1960, shall be invoked in the event of the University deciding to continue tormenting us.” said J.Handu Bam, a DU student and migrant from Bihar.

“This is simply astonishing. We have always secured the interest of human resources, the  students who are the future of this nation. We would never let them go through such ambitious, illegal and half-thought about courses again. We are continuously working on new courses and require support from one and all. Bear with us, good times are near.” said Mr. Pee Kay Girpade, a senior DU official while addressing the students.

On being cross questioned if  the experiment was over, conclusions were drawn and lessons had been learnt, Mr. Girpade said, “See it is too early to comment on whether the testing is complete or not. The FYUP is gone for now, but change is the only constant in the universe. It is quite likely that we may need 54,000 more lab rats to be sure in near future.We don’t want to take any chances with the students and their future.”

Disclaimer: Bazinga is DU Beat’s weekly column of almost believable fake news!

Journalism has been called the “first rough draft of history”. D.U.B may be termed as the first rough draft of DU history. Freedom to Express.

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