Bazinga: Rahul Gandhi modifies laptop affidavit for the next batch

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Disclaimer: Bazinga is DU Beat’s weekly column of almost believable fake news!
Rahul Gandhi, addressing a rally in Delhi, said that a senior official entered his office one day and said the current 13-clause long affidavit signed by 1st year students to claim the University laptops is not enough as it does not empower students. He has asked the VC Prof. Dinesh Singh to add these 7 clauses for the 2nd batch under FYUP. Prof. Dinesh Singh has readily approved the same.

The additions to the affidavit are as follows:

“I hereby give assent to the following clauses.

  1. That my internet history will come under the RTI Act and can be accessed by anyone.
  2. That I will never watch Game of Thrones on the laptop as the nudity and incest can have bura prabhav on the hardware.
  3. That if my mom ever asks me to show her recipes by Sanjeev Kapoor, I will stop whatever I’m doing and show her videos because maa bhagwan ka roop hoti hai.
  4. Upon receiving the laptop, I will crack open a huge coconut on it and stuff green chillies in the USB ports for good luck.
  5. Violation of  any clause will result in the defaulter being made to watch 5 hours of Lalu Yadav’s parliament speeches.
  6. If my laptop is found on OLX my degree will be awarded to Rahul Gandhi. (In unrelated news, the Gandhi family discovers a new method of acquiring fake degrees which are completely Subramanian Swami-proof)
  7. Setting sh3hzada_lol or modi_rocks or similar terms as password will result in the laptop going into self destruct mode.”


The BJP is claiming that it had been demanding such revolutionary clauses in the affidavit the entire year although it did not make it to the media, and that Rahul Gandhi is only cheating from them to attain limelight. Meanwhile, student bodies are protesting and demanding immediate repeal of this order, saying that the original 13 clauses were outrageous enough already.

Disclaimer: Bazinga is DU Beat’s weekly column of almost believable fake news!

Journalism has been called the “first rough draft of history”. D.U.B may be termed as the first rough draft of DU history. Freedom to Express.

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