Aries
The 11th planet is in your astrology thingie, and looks a lot like a yellow globe. By my powers of divination you are Captain Planet! Oops! I think I’ve got this one messed up. Sorry. Lucky thing is liver; make sure you have one with you in ordinary situations.
Taurus
A sinister ticket conductor will stare at you for not buying a bus ticket. Easy ways to avoid paying is to fake your death. Lucky color is black shroud.
Gemini
Bollywood will be calling this weekend. It will be helpful if you post your phone number all over your web page and email it to all your contacts. Lucky thing is a phone number and an email id.
Cancer
Solitary statues in gardens are not an object for your love. Even though Venus has ditched you this February it is much safer to be with a pet rather than statues of national heroes. Lucky pet is a venomous tarantula.
Leo
Clear skies will be a temptation to look up, but be warned bird shit is in your cards. Attach a high pitch beeping device to your self in order to forewarns the bird that you don’t take shit lightly.
Virgo
Love is on the air. If you are allergic, don’t breathe or get yourself an oxygen mask. Illusions of love can also hit you in the face especially in the form of a Capricorn spurned. Lucky Symbol is BJP Party Lotus.
Libra
The scales are unbalanced so you can get away with mental behavior. Pulling faces at teachers and friends will be accepted as part of your charm. Lucky activity is touching your nose with the tip of your tongue.
Scorpio
Standard procedure for sex determination is a lesson well learned. Lucky object is a magnifying glass. However, it is not advisable to install one on your glasses as that may make movement difficult.
Sagittarius
Frequent rolls in the grass can leave you itchy. Since the influence of Earth will make this unavoidable apply a lot of Itch Guard. Honey will also help in easing bites.
Capricorn
Chocolate is on the cards, so your future looks smudged. For you green will be the color of envy like never before, so make sure you are well prepared to bitch slap the hussy who stole your love interest this valentines. Practising on a younger sibling is advisable. Lucky object is Congress Party Symbol.
Aquarius
Cartoons will be a source of inspiration. DO NOT sniff roses in the near future or nasal implants will become a necessity. Additional danger of hidden bees also seems to be written on the cards. Lucky thing is a huge Red Rose.
Pisces
Little children will attack you between 5 to 6 P.m so be on your guard; Pepper spray should help in getting rid of the pesky hoards. Online dating and other shady activities are ill advised.
These predictions are made by a highly intuitive madman. If any of the following come true…reply and let us know at www.dubeat.com. The madman will then apply for a astrological license.
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