If there is one institution that people see as something that is truly beyond reproach and has the integrity to do what is right, it is the Supreme Court. The hallowed chambers of this court are a place where the right to equality is truly sacrosanct. In light of the media spectacle surrounding the verdict on Section 377 and the condemnation of the entire world that accused the Supreme Court of being out of date, the court decided to answer its critics. The SC has decided to do away with standards of reasonable doubt and remove conventional defenses such as self defense and the insanity plea. In the spirit of equality however it has decided to impose these on everyone equally. The court believes that this move ensures that nobody can now claim that the moves of the court were illegal or against the notion of equality.

1)      The ‘it is not natural’ defence

The idea that anything or anyone unnatural go scot-free is something that the courts are not okay with. Hence they have decided to crack down on all those who defy natural and stray from the natural order. Under this, all individuals with hearing aids, prosthetic limbs, wheelchairs, breast implants and artificial joints can now be prosecuted. This is a bold move that ensures that individuals do what is natural and avoid any sort of deviant behaviour.

2)      The ‘it is against our culture’ defence

The SC believes that we must hold our culture on the highest possible pedestal and the law must take the backseat. With the cultural fabric of this nation withering away and the youth getting drawn to the ways of the west, the courts decided to take a stand. So people can now be held criminally liable for listening English music, going to modern hospitals rather than babas who practice ayurveda, not wearing ghoonghat or putting sindoor and commiting any other act that is not compatible with Indian culture.

3)      The ‘Baba Ramdev said it’ plea

This in essence is the replacement for the ‘Insanity Plea’. It’s not just limited to Baba Ramdev, rather all Yoga teachers turned moral experts turned political activist preachings are admissible in a court of law as evidence.  In accordance with this all schools shall no longer be teaching sex education, rather Yoga education is going to be the way forward. As per this law everything any baba says is true and sacrosanct and forms the fabric of our otherwise immoral society. As a result of this plea, Asaram Bapu and his son have just been released from jail. Also the system of community service has now been removed and all homosexuals can go to Baba Ramdev who claims to have found the cure for this deviant behaviour.

4)      The ‘religion’ appeal

The SC believes in equality and upholds the idea of secularism. In keeping with this spirit the SC decided to bring back the ancient religious laws. The first step was a historic one and ensures that all atheists are now criminals that can be imprisoned for life. All views that defy religion like abortion, use of condoms, committing one of the seven sins and many other such views are now regarded as illicit and criminal views that go against the state. Also the punishment for these acts will be decided by religious leaders and not the SC , so sharia law, crucifixion, sati are now all fair play.

5)      The ‘it is a disease’ defence

Many opponents of the LGBT community felt that not being straight is a disease and hence it should be criminalized. So in keeping with the court’s strong belief in equality it has decided to criminalize all people that are sick. Basically all individuals that are disabled or terminally ill can now be sent to jail.

These moves by the courts will surely make a statement. The SC also felt that people are actually getting more offended by the tag of being called a Criminal. They feel that many great leaders are criminals in this country and they continue to live their life normally. So why is the LGBT community getting so offended by the criminal tag. It’s time that they take inspiration from the many criminals of this nation like Salman Khan and live life to the fullest because all men are equal in the eyes of the law, even criminals.

Editor’s note: Bazinga is DU Beat’s fake news column. This piece is supposed to be a satire and is not aimed at offending supporters of the LGBT community. If in case you are not a supporter,  it was surely written to offend you.