Imagine a world where characters from the of the TV series ‘Game of Thrones’ would choose the pen as their weapon and don the armour of journalists. Read on as our correspondent envisages a parallel universe where killing would stop in the money-minting TV series, and instead, words would flow.

The‘Seven Kingdoms’from writer George RR Martin’s brain are expansive and diverse. Apart from the television channel  HBO, don’t you think there should be a mechanism that would keep every citizen of ‘Westeros’ aware of all the songs of ice and fire that are playing around in this world? Let us take a look at how a weekly ‘Westerosi’  newspaper  would roughly look like:

Sansa Stark

Column: Showbiz

Sansa talks, looks and feels like a perfect princess from Disneyworld who accidentally got transported to Game of Thrones. While growing up, all Sansa has done is adorn her hair, talk about royal weddings and the whole glitz and glamour of belonging to a ruling family. Amidst the usually violent and gory news of Westeros, a few ineffectual articles on the glamourous celebrities of Westeros would be a welcome respite for the public and Sansa would be the perfect journalist for the job. Instances of some articles that might feature on the column are “The short hair look: Who wore it better? Cersei or Ellaria Sand?” or “Ranking Daenerys’s  boyfriends.”

Petyr Baelish
Column: Gossip

If you thought the showbiz section on wardrobe, fashion and entertainment are nonsensical, then wait for the gossip column by ‘Little Finger’. This would be the area that would cover all the scandals and hearsay in the Seven Kingdoms based on information gathered by Lord Varys and the young journalists, his little birds. Knowing how sly and offensive Baelish can get, it is no wonder that in the reports, he would always prefer to keep the by-line of his reports anonymous.

 Tyrion Lannister

Column: Wisdom and humour

As he describes himself, Tyrion drinks and knows things. He also talks a lot, a tad bit too much which is enough to bring down the ego of many a big man. With the turbulent political system of ‘Westeros’,  Tyrion takes wields the pen to express himself to all the people across the borders, writing on tactful war strategies and wise anecdotes along with sarcastic observations of the people he meets. There might be a few grammatical errors here and there as he writes mostly when he’s drunk (which is in fact, a common occurrence) and because the Westerosi Weekly would inevitably have bad Editors.

 Arya Stark

Position: Undercover Criminal Journalist

You can’t write about something in a realistic fashion until you have experienced it. From a young age itself, Arya Stark has experienced troubled times. The circumstances have surely made her bolder and not only that, these experiences can make her money too if she delves into the foray of criminal journalism. Considering how sneaky she is, she can reach any tavern, forest or palace of the kingdom. Learning the ability to change faces would only help her to go undercover and write first-hand accounts.

Samwell Tarly

Column: Science and Tech

Samwell Tarly eats a lot. Samwell Tarly also reads a lot. Whether it be the Dragon glass discoveries or remedies for Greyscale disease, Tarly can cover everything related to the sciences in ‘Westeros’. However, considering how Tarly goes overboard with his research, it is highly unlikely that his section in the paper would have a wide readership.

Tormund, Jon Snow, and ‘The Hound’

Column: Letters to the Editor

This particular space on the paper involves the non-journalist players expressing their queries and views to the Editor. The usually dumb and naïve Jon Snow can be expected to ask “Has anyone seen Ghost, my direwolf? I care for him deeply but I left him again” and “The Brothers of the Nights Watch give me salty looks as if they are about to kill me. Should I trust them?”.  Sandor Clegane (The Hound) would be the one who is writing sarcastic hate mail, so much so it would be highly likely that the Editor heavily censors Sandor’s words or doesn’t publish them at all. Similarly, letters by a ‘Wildling’ like the merry drunkard warrior Tormund Giantsbane would be filled with grammatical errors and strangely creative cuss words.


Feature Image Credits: The Hindustan Times

Shaurya Singh Thapa

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