With Raaz 3 now running in cinemas for some time, I thought long and hard as to why Bollywood failed so miserably at making good horror movies. I didn’t find a satisfactory answer and decided instead to look back upon the most horrific horror movies made in India:

5. Kaal: Soham Shah sat behind the camera for this disaster. Ajay Devgn, no that’s not a typo, seems to have tried out every possible genre. This, his first foray into horror movies was also his last. That guy sure has beans. Vivek Oberoi was the ghost in this one. One hopes he was as wise as Ajay and stopped doing movies altogether. Also it was widely believed that the best part of the movie was the Shah Rukh item song at the beginning. Go figure.


4. Hawa: If you ever happen to meet Tabu, kindly inquire of her the desperate nature of circumstances that compelled her into signing on for this absolute horror of a movie. Had the director kidnapped her mother? Did he have damning evidence against her? Did he threaten her to make her watch the movie once it was completed?

3. Dhuund the Fog: Yes, this is a movie. I checked and going by the reaction of the handful of people who saw this, it might well be the worst movie made by man, dogs or donkeys ever. The only reason why this is not higher up on this list is because it wasn’t advertised all that much and thus did not compel mankind to as much misery as the following movies did.


2. Agyaat: Ram Gopal Verma is quite an enigmatic filmmaker. He has obvious talent. Why he chooses to make movies such as this incomprehensible. We feel cheated. RGV is not supposed to be dominating lists such as this and yet he does. Not only has he headed the top two worst horror movies of all time but with Aag on his CV, he also has the worst movie ever to his name. Way to go, dumbass.


1. Phoonk 2: We all know the story with this one. RGV announced that whoever watched this movie alone in the theatre would get 5 Lakh rupees from him. Nice way to ensure audience, eh? Well someone did manage to watch it alone and RGV had to part with the said sum, bringing the total revenue from the project to a grand total of 5 rupees. At least someone gained from the investment.

Once upon a time there existed a brain within each member of the Middle Eastern civilization. In a series of clandestine correspondences with God, this civilization arranged to have its brains exchanged for bottomless reserves of oil and thus the present day Middle East was born. Iraq is quite a bona fide member of this agglomeration being, as it is, full to the brim with A grade idiots. Although being an idiot is not as rewarding as, say, not being an idiot, it does help in quick decision making. An Iraqi idiot, much like a non-Iraqi idiot, does not, when considering whether or not to bean someone with a shoe, think along the lines of Newton’s third law. He just takes aim and deploys; often mere seconds separating inception and execution. It is rumoured that George Bush has researched deeply on this subject.

In 2008, after having dumped half of the ACME Inc.’s annual output on Iraq, Bush decided that a personal touch would top it all off. It was while Bush was busy inflicting his presence, a weapon unparalleled in its potency, on poor Iraq that the idea of putting footwear or two across him made its debut in the mind of an Iraqi journalist. Between the acting of a dreadful thing and the first motion, all the interim may well have been like a phantasma or a hideous dream for Brutus, but for the Iraqi journalist it was a stroll in the park. And a quick stroll at that, for hardly had the idea made itself comfortable in the journalist’s brain, when it received the green signal and two shoes promptly made their way towards the Bush
forehead one after the other.

In supposing that Bush on perceiving footwear bearing down on him would turn to stone, the Iraqi was mistaken. His face has that quality, experts say, which makes it extremely difficult for shoes not to beam towards it. The upshot is that while most human beings, on finding a shoe or two hurtling towards them at remarkable speed, utter a sharp, ‘Oh golly!’ and promptly turn to stone, George Bush in a similar situation, reacts with a blasé ‘you again’ and initiates an evasive manoeuvre. Just when the journalist thought that he had effected a perfect lovers’ reunion, Bush’s latest evasive manoeuvre lay his efforts to waste. Further by sacrificing both his shoes for the cause, the Iraqi has declared himself a non-starter for a column such as this. The author thus has no alternative but to fill up Bush’s shoes.

George Bush has been the go to punching bag for some time now. If talk shows run out of issues or people to malign, they automatically turn to Bush bashing to pass the time. Although Bush has done enough by way of mass murders to deserve most of the vitriol, one has to understand that it wasn’t all his fault. Different men like to do different things with their free time. Some listen to music, others might enjoy reading. Similarly when George Bush has time on his hands, he just enjoys destroying countries and killing people. One can’t really blame him for that. The society does not call out people who listen to Beiber and blast them in public even though it accepts that the aforesaid is a much bigger crime. Be that as it may, we conclude that everything else remaining the same, Bush is happier when countries are being destroyed. But, could he have done anything different with regards to the shoe incident to ensure his happiness?

If I were in his place, I would have resisted the temptation of not being hit on the face by a shoe and taken one of the projectiles on the chin. Apart from the fact that a sole imprint would vastly improve the aesthetics of Bush’s face, there are other benefits to be had from getting hit by a shoe. Below I list a series of events which would realise these benefits.

Event 1- Shoe connects with Bush’s face.
Event 2- Bush storms back to America. Condemns the incident as being the worst attack on USA. He discusses arms proliferation and how its child’s play nowadays to acquire shoes.
Event 3- It is found that the propensity to pelt shoes is a communicable disease and thus for the sake of global peace and security, the whole of Iraq will have to be eliminated.
Event 4- The Middle Eastern civilization has always believed in excellence in the art of producing children. People are expected to put in their best and come up with at least four. In fact people with less than four children are looked down upon and often stoned to death. The upshot is that Iraqi journalists in general, though lacking in brains are richly endowed with siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts spread out throughout the Middle East. Bush makes quite a compelling case for attacking the whole of Middle East. He says that skills such as shoe pelting run in the family. If an Iraqi journalist can throw a shoe, so can all his cousins, siblings, uncles and aunts.
Event 5- America attacks Middle East. Bush and the owners of ACME Inc. execute the most effervescent samba ever.