april 1


Love it or hate it, you cannot say that you’ve never been fooled by DU Beat’s column for almost believable fake news, Bazinga. At DU Beat, we try to create articles that, while tickling your funny bone and giving you cold feet, aim at the greater good (not fooling you this time). The same was in our minds when we wrote entries for the column that aimed at bringing students to their colleges when attendance is expectedly slight (Read: BAZINGA: FEE REFUND FOR OUTSTATION STUDENTS ATTENDING FIRST DAY POST MID SEM BREAK) or when we posted fake news that motivated students to be aware citizens (Read: DU INTRODUCES ATTENDANCE PERKS FOR STUDENTS WHO TAKE THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!).

Read on to humour yourself with DU Beat’s pick of articles under the column!

“Recognising the fact that a lot of students participate and win competitions at various annual college fests but don’t get any academic benefit of the same, DU has issued a notice regarding imparting of full marks in internals, to students who have won first positions at various college fests this year.

Insiders tell us, the administration was compelled to make such a move owing to the constant complaint by students, especially ECA students, who are often subject to bias of teachers and low internal marking due to their inability to attend classes all through the year because of society commitments. Thus, acknowledging the unfairness of the situation, the University has decided to accord full marks in internals to first position holders and 75% marks to second position holders”

“The Aam Aadmi Party led by CM Arvind Kejriwal today announced the rolling out of odd-even scheme in DU fests.

According to the notice issued by CM’s office, boys and girls will be allowed to attend the fests in DU colleges on odd and even days respectively. The recent cases of mismanagement in fests and the risk of stampedes have forced the party to take such a decision. In an interview with one of our sources the person said, “This is the first phase of rolling out the odd even scheme for boys girls, we will take further decisions on the second phase, which is likely to be related to regular college days, after the results of the first phase.” Breaking the rule would invite a fine of Rs.2000 like always.”

Achhe din arrived for students of DU today as Delhi Chief Minister, Arvind Kejriwal, announced in an address to students at DU’s North Campus that Delhi University students will be exempted from the odd-even rule. The rule, which will come into effect starting January 1st, seeks to reduce vehicular pollution in the capital, by allowing vehicles with odd and even numbered registration plates to ply on alternate days.

While addressing students in Delhi University’s North Campus on Tuesday, CM Arvind Kejriwal said, “Several students have written to the CM’s office protesting against the implementation of this rule, as they will find it difficult to commute to college on days when vehicles with their registration number are not allowed. Some boys have said they won’t be able to show off in an effort to pick up girls without fancy cars. It was a very delicate matter, so we’ve decided to take this measure,” he declared. “Students of DU will have to show their ID cards at police checkpoints and they will be allowed to continue on the roads of Delhi”, said Kejriwal.

“I love shaking,” he said. “Sometimes they would tell me they don’t want to shake my hand but I would shake their hand anyway. I thought that’s what wins you elections”. Dola said he did feel a little stiff but didn’t realise the extent of the impact until he measured it. “I biceps grew by 6 inches. My parents were shocked. My gym trainers have introduced a special package in the gym now – they call it the ‘DUSU package’. It’s only available for DU students,” he said.”

” In his defence, one of the suspended argued, ”I thought I could help a lot many people you know. Save them from starving. So what if i make a little money out of it?”  With a ban on the ‘rescue snack’ many students are in dilemma as to what will feed their mouths. Canteens in DU have reported mass decline in sales and menu cards have undergone massive transformation as well. “We have nothing to feed them” said a distressed canteen manager deploring the loss of their best-seller.”

“A lit Lakshmi Bomb landed in the staff room of the college and started a fire that was later extinguished. Sources in the college are saying that among the materials destroyed were teachers’ attendance and marks registers. While attendance can be retrieved from the college’s office, the sole copy of internal assessment marks was in the staff room.”

Under pressure from men’s rights activists (or boys who’ve accidentally sought admission in girls’ colleges only to embarrass themselves), Delhi University has issued notices to Miranda House and Lady Sri Ram College for Women (LSR) directing them to become co-educational institutes. The deadline for ratification of the order is before the next academic year. The change is being seen as the biggest since the FYUP mess.

LSR College for Women has decided to replace ‘Women’ in its name with ‘Everyone’, hence becoming Lady Sri Ram College for Everyone!”

“The students in the café panicked and hid their hookahs and beer bottles in a hurry. Some coal from the hookahs fell on a few people’s feet, creating a more panicky situation. The VC took a while to understand the scheme of things there, but it wasn’t long before he asked the DJ to play 4 Bottle Vodka (some argue that they heard him sob and sing “4 Saal Ka Course Tha”) and grooved to the beats.

Reportedly, he even shooed away excise and police officers lurking around the café in anticipation of a share in the organisers’ profit, to the delight of everyone.”

“For years we kept complaining about the ruthless academic experiments being performed on us, be it the implementation of CCE at the metric level by CBSE  or FYUP at college level by the University of Delhi. We’ve wondered why absolutely no one ever came to our aid until now. But now we realize we were meant for such experiments. We are the toy soldiers, like the martyrs, our sacrifice shall bring fortunes to the generations to come, as they won’t have to face this.”  he added, as he slightly choked.

The students have sent delegations to prominent animal rights activists like Maneka Gandhi communicating their concerns. They’ve been assured that their dignity and safety would now be taken care of. “The Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act, 1960, shall be invoked in the event of the University deciding to continue tormenting us.” said J.Handu Bam, a DU student and migrant from Bihar.”

“Yes, no more blockages in the website and the subsequent anxiety which grips the students when the result is about to be showcased. In an unprecedented move, the university has taken out a notice adhering to the fact that it is planning to send a copy of result directly to the registered address of the student.”