DUB Speak

5 steps to becoming the perfect woman

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No matter what we do as women, we are constantly under scrutiny for our choices and actions. Unable to escape the never-ending misogyny, our correspondent outlines how to deal with it on a daily basis.


As women, our lives are full of dilemmas that we regularly face. Luckily, our patriarchal society makes our job easier and dictates exactly what we should do! Here is your 5-step guide to abandoning all individual agency and embodying the characteristics of an ideal woman:


STEP 1: Do not think

Do you think you know what is best for you? Do you think you are capable of making your own choices as an adult? News flash: you’re wrong! If a man suggests a course of action for you, take it up! We don’t have the intellectual capacity to analyse situations and expect consequences for ourselves!

STEP 2: Apologise

Have you been exercising your free will? You can’t have individual agency – apologise! Have you been doing as you’re told? You’re such a pushover – apologise! Even if you think your actions are completely justified, remember that you’ll be shot down for them anyway, so it’s better to say sorry in all situations before you even start speaking. Let everyone know that you’re aware that your opinions will be overlooked and that you are apologetic of even voicing them in the first place.


STEP 3: Practice moderation

Always remember that balance is your best friend. Your family, your friends, and even strangers on the street will all tell you that you are ‘too ___’. As a woman, you can’t be ‘too’ anything! Don’t dress skimpily, but definitely show some skin. Don’t cake your entire face, but definitely cover up the blemishes. Don’t be too bossy, don’t be too foolish, don’t be too slutty and don’t be too prudish. You may face difficulties in this step, simply because there’s not much you can do without being criticised for it. Don’t worry though; it’s just part of being a woman. Practice makes perfect!



STEP 4: Please everyone

Make it your personal mission to please everyone in your life. When people tell you to smile more or be less aggressive, do so. When men ask you out repeatedly, just give them a chance! You can’t possibly go against someone’s personal desires. Your rights and choices are irrelevant as long as everyone else in the world gets what they want from you! A woman must sacrifice.


STEP 5: Stay vigilant

Of course, the last step on this list is the responsibility that lies with you to take care of yourself. Don’t attract attention to yourself, because you’ll be the only one blamed for it. There’s no such thing as rape culture! Rape only happens because of short skirts! Referring to Step 3 though, don’t stay too vigilant. Catcalling is completely normal – why can’t you just take a compliment?

Once you successfully complete all five steps and make them a part of your daily routine, you will be well on your way to finally being accepted by society – an impossible feat for any woman. Give yourself a pat on the back – you know no one else will!

Image Credits:  www.vev.ru and www.wordpress.com


Vineeta Rana
[email protected]

An enthusiastic Ravenclaw, Vineeta is a keen learner and does not shy away from expressing her opinions. Her passion for discussion around gender and sexuality is only matched by her passion for French fries and naps. To chat about these or just to say hi, email her at [email protected].

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