The First Time


Dear Amma, I wanted to save having sex for a special occasion because it feels too special of an activity, while my partner feels we should do it as soon as possible. What do I do?

Dear idli, sex is built on one thing and that is communication. The first thing you and your partner should do for this act of dosa-making to go smoothly is to communicate. Sexual intercourse is an intimate act. In your Amma’s days, she also had a lot of thoughts about it. While people’s opinions on it differ, what remains a fact is that it involves a lot of intimacy and trust. The first thing you need to think about is whether you are ready for, and consensual towards, dosa-making or not.

Some people attach emotions to this act, and that is okay. Some people do not attach emotions to this act, and that is okay too. Yours and your partner’s perception of it can be different, and that is okay. Your partner not attaching any particular emotions to it doesn’t mean he likes you any less, and vice versa. Your partner just needs to respect your emotions and choices, and you need to freely communicate your inhibitions to them. It all boils down to two things – communication and trust. The first step of making the sambhar is trust – decide whether you trust them enough. The next step is communication – communicate with your partner about your feelings regarding sex and listen to what they have to say too. The two of you can then come to a mutually beneficial conclusion based on both your feelings. If they are not willing to listen and understand your choices, then you need to reconsider your relationship. My dear, if you can freely communicate with them without any hesitation and have trust in them, then that is all that matters. Go for it only when you feel you are ready, not when someone tries to pressurise you into it. Go make some fun, spicy sambhar with them, if you want to (and always use protection). But if you don’t feel like it, then you can always make your own spicy sambhar with your own body, without a partner who doesn’t respect your consent.

(Write to Sex Amma at [email protected] to get all your queries about sex answered.)

Sex Amma

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