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DU Beat Presents: (Literally) Off-Beat Careers For Undergrads

In (any) case, 2020 has added too much ‘music’ (read: ruckus) to your life, and you are longing for some dissonance (read: familial discord), then this list is for you

DISCLAIMER: DU BEAT TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY BODILY HARM BROUGHT ABOUT ON READERS BY DESI RELATIVES. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

  1. PUT THE TICKLE IN POLITICAL:

Why not become the ‘Fun-Juice’ Aunt who absolutely adores initiating political conversations at desi dinner tables? Minimum professional qualifications include: a humanities-degrees, with 5 years of experience in tolerating passive aggressive remarks on the impracticability of social sciences (by ahem ahem WhatsApp Uncles) and an inability to keep down your ‘fun-juice’ i.e. cutting snark. Perks include: being cheered on by woke-young cousins and watching the dint fade from your nosy relative’s eyes as you get high on the casual surrealism of life in 2020 and begin calling out their jocularly trivialized fascism. Pay packet varies: from getting gravy chucked at your face, to being expelled from any future gatherings (stipend subject to accumulated filial sar-chasm).

  • ‘WOE IS ME’- THE WRAITH OF DISSATISFACTION

Why not become a howling, semi-tangible Specter Of Graduate-Discontentment, that breaks into long-drawn laments whenever the topic of conversation is ‘college life’? Minimum professional qualifications include: membership of ‘21 or ‘22 batches, an all-pervading FOMO as the bare walls of your room devour the (supposedly) best 3 years of your life (and your sanity) and a professor whose internet excuses itself entirely whenever it rains. 

Perks include: haunting the Vishwavidyalaya metro station and (sadistically) keeping alive a general air of unease in the post-corona world by whispering cold reproaches of doomsday in the ears of unsuspecting freshers. Pay packet includes a free pass to wail at the post-’22 fest seasons!

  • “RUN BOY RUN!”- THE CORONA-DAY ATHLETE

Manish Bhaiyakesamose are an artefact of antiquity.All hail the Marathon Runner! If 2020 (god forbid) has found you overly productive, then this career path is just perfect for you! Minimum professional experience includes:A sudden surge in your affinity to life (beats us how), an unprecedented motivation (that would put any workaholic from 2019 B.C. to shame), and the desire to (dear me!) wake up at 4 A.M. and run. Are you running from reality? 2020? Existence? Who knows! (WHO cares?) All we know is that Corona is never catching up with that newfound stamina of yours (and neither are any of us couch-potatoes for that matter). Perks include: fitting into your old jeans when this catastrophe is past us!

  • THE HANDSET-HISTORIAN

How about aggravating the everyday melancholy of existence in 2020 by digging into your phone’s gallery? Minimum professional qualifications include: sadness, more sadness, even more sadness, and a pinch of nostalgia, perhaps, with a penchant to avoid your current reality like the plague (We did not just-).

Perks include excavating some golden momentsfrom the past year of college that will bring big fat pearls to your eyes (Damn, DUB getting personal now) and a sudden urge to call up your friends and check on them for once.

But honestly, This isn’t even us suggesting anymore, simply your own impulse to self-destruct: maybe look again for those historical days of endless parties in CP at 9 in the night? We guarantee complete mental collapse.

  • THE ‘DELICATE’ DETONATOR

In 2020, being human is out of fashion. Why not become a lingering presence of pure, unadulterated rage? If becoming a ‘fun-juice’ aunt is too subtle for your taste, then we suggest a means of putting your dejection to work: you don’t even need a gun, your tongue and tone is enough for the fascism-apologizers in your life! Perks include: ‘gently’ blasting apart the entitled devil’s advocates that you encounter on your daily run-in with reality, going off on a political rant at any moment you see fit, and spontaneously combusting when the moral apathy of your audience gets too much to bear! The perilous existence of compromise and silence is no more for you: Go forth and detonate!

  • THE JANE AUSTEN HEROINE

‘Take a turn around your room’ if the thought of a bright, varsity-worthy day outside your window is too oppressive. Maybe ‘swoon’ onto the couch dramatically when the cruelty of ‘this age’ and ‘this era’, is too magnanimous. Weep away your heart at the mention of a life awaiting you beyond the dark night of COVID-19. Now that you’re bereft of the cold-comfort of campus, fade away into grim sickness and fall pale at the mere mention of college fests. How far removed are you from the love of your life: Hudson Lane and how dim is the hope of a reunion in this lifetime. *SiGh*

  • WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER (2022) ENDS

Cannot even joke about this one.

In case your motivation for life is running out, we suggest sound sleep as a top-rated career path. No professional qualifications required! Just the head and heart of an absolutely DoNe Grad student, with a ton of assignments crushing your spirits, will do. The perks of becoming a Sleeping Beauty being too numerous to list here, we will go with the most attractive features of this career package: No reality! No assignments! No grades! Just a dreamy river you can float on until (if ever) the lockdown ends. Pay packet includes: endless sleep! Stipend subject to: desi parents switching off the fan and pulling off the sheets.

Feature Image Credits: DU Beat Archives

Samya Verma

(samyasverma.work@gmail.com)

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