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Top 5 ways of Taking Over India

DU Beat — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 13:58:18 +0000

5. Get everyone to play Big Boss (reminiscent of 1984, perhaps?)
4. Get Amir Khan to make a movie about how awesome your rule would be. That should convince everyone through discussions in newspapers, news channels etc.
3. Pretend to have a highly contagious disease and threaten to sneeze if everyone doesn’t give in to your rule.
2. Use CID to send out subliminal messages like, “Daya, Darwaza todo (to give way to new leadership)” and “Oh God (who has been replaced by ) Daya!”
1. Buy Cricket. And make Sachin Tendulkar your puppet PM.

Top 5: Friendships That Should Have Been

DU Beat — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:45:18 +0000

5. Silvio Berlusconi and Bill Clinton: for their common taste in ‘other friends’.
4. Kashmira Shah and Madonna: So that they can both act their age.
3. Wile E. Coyote and Sylvester: They never ever seem to catch their prey.
2. Kylie Minogue and Akshay Kumar: because we just can’t take them seriously after jiggy-wiggy.
1. Rakhi Sawant and Jesus Navas: For then, she will always have ‘Jejjus’ around.

Top 5 things that freshers need to know about DU

DU Beat — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 16:48:23 +0000

1. Prepare to have hours of free time. You WILL be having a lot of time on your hands- in between classes, waiting for your friends to come (because you will want to travel in packs), waiting for the lecture to begin, and then praying for the lecturer to leave!

2. Choose your friends carefully, since you’ll be making a lot of them, some for life. That said, try to avoid hostelites unless you’re living in a hostel, otherwise you will constantly hear them whine about curfews they have to meet etc.

3. Ragging. There isn’t much ragging now in DU anyway, after the crackdown. Don’t be nervous, it’s not all that bad. Try and enjoy it if you can. And keep your ego at home.

4. College societies are important. Not only will you make a lot of friends, it will give you a sense of purpose .DU gives a lot of options from the usual Debating and Dramatics to the off-beat ones like Film Appreciation, African Culture or Photography. And of course, you can always start your own society.

5. Try to avoid your car/bike to college. You will unnecessarily get caught in traffic jams. Car-pool, if possible. It’s an excellent way of making new friends and bonding with someone who understands exactly the ordeal you will go through to travel to and from college. Note-when planning taking the U-especial, make sure you have nothing planned for the rest of the day!

Top 5 Ways To Make Up Your Attendance

DU Beat — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 06:32:51 +0000

1) Get a body double to attend classes for you. Going by the fact that you’re facing an acute attendance problem, the teacher will probably not remember your face anyway
2) Record your voice saying “present ma’am/ sir!” and ask your friend to play it whenever needed
3) Submit a medical explaining how it’s impossible for you to attend classes because you suffer from a bad case of classroom-o-phobia
4) Mail letters from some distant place like Kazakhstan stating that you were in a training camp for Rope Skipping and so were unable to attend college though heaven knows how badly you wanted to.
5) Say that your hefty bodyguard with an AK47 will be very pleased to explain the state of your attendance if only the teacher could spare some time and meet him in a shady corner behind the college

TOP 5 DEMANDS THAT SHOULD BE MADE WHEN UGC COMES A-VISITING

DU Beat — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:40:33 +0000

1) Televisions in all colleges. Because our poor overworked brain cells need a break from all the studying and no, free yoga classes will not be accepted as a substitute
2) Inclusion of Walking In The Fields, Cheering Basketball Team From The Sides, Socializing and a few others under ECA.
3) Provision for Attendance Banks where nerds with too much attendance are allowed to donate theirs to needy people
4) Stereo systems in all toilets
5) Soft, warm beds with fluffy pillows to be laid out in convenient corners for sleep deprived students

Top 5 Fashion Crimes

DU Beat — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 18:43:23 +0000

1. Furry bags: Bags that look like they will come alive any second and go “woof!” are not cool. They are meant to carry stuff in, not to be used as substitute pets so go hide them before PETA gets onto your case.
2. Excessive colour: Rainbows look pretty in the sky but we do not need walking, talking versions of them down here, thank you.
3. Sunglasses indoors: You can be excused of this only if you’re an underworld don or you’re blind. So unless you want people grabbing you by the hand and guiding you to classes or scampering away in fear every time you pass by, STOP! Or get a gun/walking stick to go along with it.
4. Too many accessories: December went by a long time ago so you can stop pretending to be a Christmas tree now.
5. Extra tight clothes: Squeezing into tiny clothes will not make you shrink, but it does make you look like an overfilled balloon, waiting to burst.

Top 5 Awards That Need to be Introduced in DU

DU Beat — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:04:11 +0000

1. For the most consistent bunk-er: For those charitable students who sacrifice their seats in the lecture rooms and choose instead to disperse their pocket money among the poor, underpaid canteen employees. Long live their generous souls!
2. For the slowest canteen service: For those equally wonderful canteen employees who reward our generous souls with stale, half-cooked food that arrives just in time for said students to be forced to miss their class so the food doesn’t go waste.
3. For the most outrageous outfit: For those who got lost on their way to the circus/Fashion Week/zoo and somehow ended up in DU.
4. For the coolest campus pets: Gone are the days of sleek college kitties and loyal campus dogs who substituted soap and water for the used dishes. Say hello to piggies and baboons! Not yet trained to do the dishes, they come to the rescue when all other means of entertainment fail. It’s high time their valuable services got recognition!
5. For the wackiest textbooks: “Cultural Diversity, Linguistic Plurality and Literary Traditions in India” is part of the course for 2nd year B. Com (Hons) students. I think 5 marks should be allotted to the ones who get the name right.

Top 5 things we have learnt from the movie 3 Idiots:

DU Beat — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 18:33:44 +0000

1. The more you refuse a job, the more eager they will be to hire you.
2. One can take a road trip to Ladakh in borrowed pants and bridal dress without bothering to stop by a woolens shop on the way. Friends provide the warmth in our lives we suppose.
3. One can offer to ‘invent’ common devices long in existence but still have a professor of engineering disbelieve such appliances can exist. A remote control helicopter or a battery operated inverter anyone? Perhaps someone should offer to invent the wheel now.
4. When gate crashing a wedding, mind your own business and concentrate on the food. Otherwise you may be stuck with your professor for a father-in-law.
5. How to woo a girl? Spill chutney on her fiancé’s shoes. If that doesn’t work steal her watch. If that too fails disappear for a while and then return a mad scientist with multi-billion contracts in tow. The multi-billion part ought to catch her attention.

Top 5 Ways to Counter Global Warming

DU Beat — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:54:17 +0000

1. Kidnap all the polar bears and stuff them into your fridge

2. Give the cattle a strict talk on etiquette and the inappropriateness of farting in public

3. Puncture the tyres of all vehicles in your locality and offer your cycle on rent instead. This way, you save the planet and make money as well. W00t!

4. Save paper, save trees – another wonderful reason to not submit assignments and miss exams (not that we need any, but still)

5. Resuscitate Captain Planet

Top5 ways to counter global warming

DU Beat — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 15:01:59 +0000

1) Kidnap all the polar bears and stuff them into your fridge
2) Give the cattle a strict talk on etiquette and the inappropriateness of farting
in public
3) Puncture the tires of all vehicles in your locality and offer your cycle on
rent instead. This way, you save the planet and make money as well.
W00t!
4) Save paper, save trees – another wonderful reason to not submit
assignments and miss exams (not that we need any, but still)
5) Resuscitate Captain Planet