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I have a guy in my life who is my best friend. We both have feelings for each other and we both know it too but we don’t like any kind of “relationship thing”. Should we get in a relationship or not?

Ahhh, young love! Sounds as sweet as my banana cake! How we used to fall for the ones closest to us. But Amma also remembers the drama over splitting our idly batter later, gaah! Nostalgia aside, my love struck macchis, you both need to talk it out with each other and decide upon a way to share your uttapam! Relationships do come with commitment, but it also makes you exclusive for each other.

On the contrary there are other ways too, like being open to different chutneys around you and still sharing the same uttapam. Confused? Well, Amma is simply referring to an open relationship (happens to be Amma’s favourite) or a ‘friends with benefits’ for the more ‘spicy’ kind. You could also ‘taste’ the waters by trying dating without putting a label on it and see if it works out.

In the end, it’s between the two of you and you need to talk to one another and find the right mix of flavors! If you both make a conscious decision to try out dating without letting it affect your friendship, then you can consider it. If you’d rather not risk it, then stick as best friends!

 

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Hi Amma.

My boyfriend likes spanking me and I feel that certain things he does are extremely porn influenced.  Is spanking normal?  Is it okay to sometimes let him have his way because as partners we have to satisfy each other?

Little idli, ‘normal’ is a very subjective word when it comes to preferences and tastes, more so while doing the deed. What is completely normal for one couple, might be unthinkable for another!

Amma, as you know, has had her fair share of dosas though, so I can say that spanking is not too kinky. It is common, though it is not everyone’s cup of rasam,

If you’re worried about your boyfriend’s desires being too influenced by porn, I would advise you not to think too much of it unless he’s unable to draw a line and fails to understand that you might be uncomfortable with certain things. And yes, while a relationship does involve satisfying each other, you should not feel as though it’s something you HAVE to do if it’s not something you enjoy.

Does your boyfriend know about your thoughts on this? A lot of times your partner might be doing certain things because he thinks you enjoy it. If you let him believe that you’re into spanking even though you aren’t, then you can’t really expect him to be a mind reader. As always, communication is key. However, if you have mixed feelings about spanking and aren’t really averse to it, then you can indulge him once in a while.

It has been 3 years of our relationship, we make out decent number of times but we are just restricted to foreplay as I’m a sort of person to reserve my virginity for the right time. We are not sure of our togetherness but we both are sincerely in love with each other. At times it turns tough to restrict each other, especially him. Sometimes, I give him a hand job that serves the purpose but he asks me for oral sex, I tried a number of times while using flavored precautions as well but every time I failed. For me it’s the toughest of jobs which really spoils his mood and I end up thumbs down every time. Although he doesn’t force much but I feel sad on my part of not being a ‘sexually satisfying partner’. Please suggest something!

Aiyyooo!, this little idli here neither wants her guy to taste her water nor does she want to taste his. My distressed macchhi, there is nothing much to ponder upon in your case.

Listen up machhi, don’t do things that you don’t like to, that will neither please him nor will it give you satisfaction. You’ll have to make things clear to your appam about your dislike for oral sex, and who knows, he might not have a problem with this in the future.

Amma is pretty sure; your loving vada will try understanding you and won’t let you feel low. So, Amma advices you to sit down and talk to him, peacefully. You’ll eventually see things getting sorted.

Dear Amma, I have been having crushes since my 1st year, but never understood how to express it. Basically the problem is I don’t know how to get along with girls. I mean I don’t know what should I say to make myself interesting to them. Tell me how to start a conversation. I’m in final year now and I feel it’s high time to have girl friend. Please give me some tips.

Ah, a classic problem! No matter how strange and absurd the usual questions get, we always seem to come back to the basic issues every now and then, don’t we, little idli? Well, let me share a few pieces of wisdom I have acquired over the years.

First of all, don’t get intimidated because you are talking to a girl- just see her as a regular person. Secondly, put aside any stereotypes you may have in your mind about what girls like to talk about and how they behave. Every girl is different and has a unique set of interests, so I can’t really tell you what might seem universally interesting. However, some topics that are always good topics are everyday things like books, TV shows, talking about college experiences and so on.

When it comes to starting a conversation with a girl for the first time, be careful not to come across as creepy- it’s sad but true that most girls are accustomed to receiving a lot of unwanted attention. Having said that, you don’t have to walk around eggshells; just be friendly and calm. You can strike up a conversation depending on the context. Met her at a party? Ask how she knows the host or any mutual friend. Met her through society related work? Talk about your shared interest.
Lastly, do not feel the need to see every girl you talk to as a potential girlfriend. If that’s your sole aim, you’ll end up being as disappointed, macchi! You can befriend them too, you know. In fact that’ll help you loosen up and be more comfortable around the opposite sex. And who knows, they could maybe introduce you to some of their single friends too!

Q. Dear Amma, I have heard a lot about oral sex and I want to try it too but my girlfriend is not too keen. Amma, how do I convince her for oral sex?

Well, that was rather to the point. The number of times Amma has been asked this question is both amusing and sad! Having been at the receiving end and knowing fully well how great oral feels for either parties, trust me, my heart goes to your dosa.

Now, coming to your problem, the first and most important thing to remember is that any kind of ultimatum or pressurizing is a bad idea. Definitely steer clear of any “If you love me you’ll go down on me” kinda dialogues, okay? If you pressurize her, it’s probably not going to lead to a good outcome because even if she agrees, she’ll do it half heartedly and since you’ll know she dislikes it, you won’t have a good time either (yes, that is possible).

Instead, talk to her about it in an open and calm way.

Tell her that you’d want her to at least try it once and that you’ll make the whole affair much more comfortable for her.

(This includes maintaining proper hygiene, not rushing her or moving her head too much while she’s at it!) You could also try perfecting your skills at giving oral!

If she still doesn’t seem to want to go for it, don’t push it, little idli. There are a lot of other things you can try in bed. If you really have your dosa set on this though, and feel unfulfilled, you should consider moving on. (But again, don’t use this as an ultimatum either.)

Dear Amma, I am in a long distance relationship and the guy is European. We’ve never met, but we do sext (sex-chat) a LOT. The sext is only textual, though. Could you suggest some really interesting ways to spice up our virtual sex life till we meet next year?

 Ahh, little idli, I understand your dilemma! Sexting has now become an integral part of relationships, especially long distance ones! Not only are there plenty of ways for textual sexting what with all those free apps and chat platforms, one can even use an app like Snapchat (I believe that’s what the kids are using these days) which self destructs images you click and send to people after a couple of seconds. I think such apps can make your virtual sexting more exciting! Let me tell you more about the art of sexting, macchi.

The excitement is in the build up. As soon as both of you get comfortable with it, peel off the orange slowly and remember, the slower you go, the more things get heated up! And the more things get heated up; the better will be the end. You could even try cyber sex- after all what is Skype for, right? (Well, some people do hold interviews too, but Amma thinks its best used for sexting!)

If Amma had to offer an extra tip, she’d say, it’s best to use apps like Snapchat for all phones even have automatic memory back up these days! (Yes, Amma is old but also very tech savvy- at least where sexting is concerned.)  Let’s just say sexting is the only art which needs to be destroyed once it has been cherished. Stay safe and have fun!

Q. Hi Amma! This might sound weird, but I don’t know how to deal with this “problem” I’m having with my boyfriend. I don’t want to sound like a prude, headstrong or simply backward-thinking. Now I know guys nowadays have become “ metrosexual ”, and care for their hair and skin and that’s alright with me, but my boyfriend gets waxed. Like, arms and legs and chest.. It’s weird, to be frank. It is a bit odd, knowing that his legs are smoother than mine, and we all know what they say about trusting men with no chest hair. I don’t want him to become Anil Kapoor, but jeez, I like a bit of fuzz on my man.

A. Aha! Caught a smooth one, haven’t you? I totally get what you’re saying. I mean, Velcro won’t work if both the parts are smooth; you NEED that fuzz! Amma likes the downy fun in the right places and prefers it removed from the “other” places since we have clothes now and the “other” places don’t really need the natural protection from climate.
So he likes it clean and you like him fuzzy (sounded a lot better in my head), let’s meet mid-way. Ask him to trim it a little and not to do away with it completely on the chest. And about waxing.. Umm, you must have heard of couple massages, why not try couple waxing? Oh oh oh young machchis! Go to a unisex salon and get your scales removed together, next to each other, or if you want an extra level of utter weirdness and (probably) fun, wax each other! Later you get to take a shower together! Hurrah!

Dear Amma.. My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up, and we plan on losing our V-cards that day. I want to make it really special for both of us. I’m looking for some real good music. I like psychedelic rock and she likes rock n roll. What would be some awesome songs to make sweet love to?

A. Ooh, musical macchhis, aren’t you?! Amma LOVES music. Heaven knows how many times Amma has had the big O because of some good music rather than quite a few useless lovers.

I guess the opening song could be Birthday Sex by Jeremih or In Da Club by 50 Cent, given the occasion. I’m not a big hip-hop fan, and neither do you seem to be, but these are fun songs you could have fun with and play around.

Or if you’re more of a romantic and hip-hop just does NOT serve your business, go for some good old Sinatra. He’s gold. The Way You Look Tonight and Strangers in the Night are pretty awesome and are bound to make her swoon into your arms.

Now coming to the genres you mentioned. Pink Floyd comes to mind, more than anything. The Great Gig in the Sky is absolutely smashing; Comfortably Numb might not suit the scene, because numbness is not what we’re after. Echoes is amazing for some slow seduction, and Wish You Were Here is lovely. Another Amma’s favourites are The Doors, Love Me Two Times, Light My Fire, Hello I Love You; I’m Horny I’m Stoned, Moonlight Drive, and maybe even throw in The End and Riders on the Storm, just for the amazing lyrics and great music.

Rock n Roll,Foxy Lady by Lord Hendrix, Whole Lotta Love by Led Zep, Be My Baby by The Ronettes, Wake Up Little Susie by The Everly Brothers, You Shook My All Night Long by AC/DC, Blue Suede Shoes and Jailhouse Rock by Elvis are great too! And for the end- Come Together by The Beatles, because this song will be dirty as hell, believe or not!

Q: Dear Amma, my boyfriend watches too much porn and has been forcing me for anal sex. I’m simply not comfortable with it, but he doesn’t listen and sulks when I say no. We tried once and it hurt like hell, I don’t want to do it! It’s been months and he doesn’t seem to get it. He says his friend’s girlfriend doesn’t mind it and then I feel guilty for saying no.

A. Oh my poor idli! Amma doesn’t get it, why can’t you young machhis tell a firm no? Talk to your boyfriend and explain to him once and for all that he’s being an absolutely unreasonable arse (no pun intended). You should also clearly state that what he watches on porn sites should only be used as inspiration from time to time and not be used as a benchmark.

If he still keeps on being a pain in the ass (pun definitely intended), LEAVE THE GUY! Treading the backwaters of ‘love’ is not everybody’s forte. If you’re not comfortable with it, just say NO and leave the impatient dosa.

And Amma smells something fishy in the friend story. He’s might just be trying to get his way. Don’t give in. Ask him if he would agree to the behind bang. The answer would be…you guessed it!

Let’s just leave all this back-alley business to Nicki Minaj and her Anaconda. You don’t have to torture your buns, hon!

Note to the guy: Aiyyo! Practice what you preach and then talk.

Q. Dear Amma, my boyfriend has gained quite a lot of weight recently. This doesn’t trouble me and I still love him a lot, but we rarely get naughty because he thinks I’m not attracted to him anymore. How do I convince him otherwise? Help!

A. Your ‘healthier’ half seems to be going through a phase of low self confidence. Amma is proud of you for looking beyond the flesh and loving the soul of the machhi. You’ve got to make him believe that he still gets your idlis steaming! Plan a romantic and exciting date to add lots of spice in the bland sambhar that your sex life has  become. Show him that you love him despite his love handles. He probably doesn’t feel very desirable himself. And the less desirable he feels, the more he’s likely to eat to feel better! Help him break this vicious cycle by taking up a new sport together, swimming for example. Sigh, Amma has had quite a few impromptu fun times while swimming in the deserted backwaters.

More than anything, little one, make sure you cultivate a caring and understanding environment. Boost his body image, and be patient. You will surely be rewarded with a crispy dosa soon! *wink wink*