Aries: Hitting the gym can work wonders for any medical student this week. Can’t say it will help you become a chick magnet but you will get to study the effects of hemorrhoids firsthand! So pump iron for SCIENCE!!!
Taurus: It’s not that everyone is trying to avoid you it’s just that…well would you look at the time? I have got to go; your horoscope will have to wait until next time ok pumpkin?
Gemini: Ah! Children of Gemini! The tarot cards show really good omen. Unfortunately, your report cards do not. Brace yourself for the most violent of tongue lashings.
Cancer: I understand that raging hormones make this the most difficult period of your life, with your will succumbing to the basest of desires. But for God’s sakes get off Santa’s lap you are not 7 anymore! No, you may not have a Mercedes for Christmas! And yes, the beard is fake!
Leo: If you are depending upon that mistletoe that you meticulously planted above her front door…it’s a bad idea. You never know who might just walk underneath to greet you when you ring the door bell. Consider yourself warned.
Virgo: A new year approaches! This is a chance for a brand new start, a fresh new beginning, an opportunity to turn a new leaf. Although 10 bucks says that your resolutions will not last for more than three weeks.
Libra: Your romantic life will take a new turn these holidays. Your girlfriend will finally appear to be demure and speak to you in her sweetest manner. Don’t be fooled. Aldo has announced a 30% off on those heels she always blabbered on about.
Scorpio: I know that you wish to join the Mafia but I don’t think that earning a couple of parking tickets puts you anywhere in the ‘Gangsta’ list. Sorry kiddo.
Sagittarius: Do you know what Jeffery Archer and your chances of getting into Harvard law have in common? They both make good fiction.
Capricorn: Ever since the polls, a great change has come upon your ‘politically inclined’ friends. There will now be endless discussions of “Dekhna, BJP iss desh ko hila kay raakh dega.” Yet another reason to not want to return to college.
Aquarius: You will have great luck in poker against your Pisces friend today. At the very first hand put all your chips in and win it all. For this friendly advice I will be deducting 20% from your winnings.
Pisces: You will have great luck in poker against your Aquarius friend today. At the very first hand put all your chips in and win it all. For this friendly advice I will be deducting 20% from your winnings.